Do I have any right to bud in? Is this any of my business?


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RoninsMom is offline RoninsMom Post #1  January 3,2009, 4:05pm
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My best friend of 20+ years has been dating the Devil himself for4 years now.


I've tried as hard as a person can try to keep my personal feelings about him to myself & just be a supportive good listener,but the course of their relationship is moving more & more into the "abusive" catagory.


Some of his volitile acts have included (but not limited to):


Stabbing her daughters large pet fish to the wall (for no reason),destroying every door,piece of furnature or clothing that she owns.Demanding that shenothave contact with any ofher friends (me included & she listens) and she is no longer allowed to see her family. He has hit her & throws her around(in front of her daughter) & talks to her like she is human garbage, and tells her she is fat & ugly(she is drop dead gorgeous).He cheats on her with his ex,breaks up with her every other week & also smokes crack in her basement. (JUST TO MENTION A FEW SITUATIONS).


Also he:


He has never worked, lives off of her & has cost her 2 jobs in the last year and has crashed her car & her Mothers car. We also just found out that he spent 8 years in jail for stabbinganother ex girlfriend,who was then only 16 years old, she hadOVER 34 STABWOUNDS!


She is 37 & he is 42, her daughter is now 13.


My fear is for her,but more so for her daughter,because she doesn't have a say in the matter & I am afraid fortheir safety.


He has boxed so many people out of her life so that she has no one to help her, the sick thing is, it seems like she doesn't want help!


The only reason why I keep my mouth shut is because if I didn't she wouldn't tell me anything,she even has to "sneak" to talk to me because he told her I was "no good".


My question is: do I have any right to bud in? Other friends tell me it's not any of my business,but I say if someone is being abused & you know it, you have to at least TRY and help, don't you? I mean this is (was) my BEST friend (& her daughter!).


I want to call social services because of her daughter (the Father is in the Army) & I don't know any of his relatives to speak to. If I go to her family, she will deny that he has done anything....why do women stick up for men like this?


He is getting more paranoid by the day from his crack use & hallucinates..my friend left her daughter's Father because he was a heroin addict,(hehas beenclean for 11 years now) so why subject her to another addict? Especially when that was why she left the father of her child.


The only thing that he has failed at getting her to do was when he wanted her to send her daughter to live w/ her Dad's family (which would have been the best thing for her daughterif you ask me).


He has been wanting her to get pregnant & she has told me that they have been trying with no luck (most likely because of the drugs he'd doing are making him sterile). If she has a child with him...well, I can't even imagine....I also think she may be using drugs as well,not that she's told me, but I get that feeling....


What do I do? Anything? Nothing? I would appreciate ANY suggestions....Everyone is telling me to mind my business,that's whyI haven't done anything...and also I do not know WHAT to do? has anyone been in this situation?
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #2  January 3,2009, 5:01pm
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You should call social services RIGHT AWAY. The woman is in trouble, her daughter is in trouble and the mom can no longer take care of the child. I believe that as a society we have an obligation to protect the helpless amongst us, and that child is helpless.


When you call, just stick to the facts, tell them what she has told you and what you have seen and don't convey things you are not sure about.


You could also try calling th epolice but I not sure what they can do. If he has a previous record (thanks to the 34 stab wounds) at the very least they could keep an eye on him or some such. I am less clear on this angle.


But there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a right to butt in to protect the child, you have a moral obligation to do so.


If something drastic happened to the child while you wondered what you should do, you would never forgive yourself.
 
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marylovesplaya is offline marylovesplaya Post #3  January 3,2009, 5:19pm
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At the very minimum, call DSS. At least they'll investigate and maybe that will shake your friend up a bit. Sadly, there really isn't anything you can do other than try to be supportive and be there when she needs you and be supportive of her daughter. What a bad situation.
 
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RoninsMom is offline RoninsMom Post #4  January 15,2009, 6:00pm
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Thank you so much for your advice! I agree w/ calling DSS,especially since it is anoymous! I rewrote this topic a much shorter version since I didn't know it got posted,so thank you all for your help!
 
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gsugrad is offline gsugrad Post #5  January 15,2009, 6:20pm
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YES do something now, before the police call you to identify the body at the morgue.
 
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mikjager is offline mikjager Post #6  January 15,2009, 6:21pm
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RoninsMom, wrote :

My best friend of 20+ years has been dating the Devil himself for4 years now.


I've tried as hard as a person can try to keep my personal feelings about him to myself & just be a supportive good listener,but the course of their relationship is moving more & more into the "abusive" catagory.


Some of his volitile acts have included (but not limited to):


Stabbing her daughters large pet fish to the wall (for no reason),destroying every door,piece of furnature or clothing that she owns.Demanding that shenothave contact with any ofher friends (me included & she listens) and she is no longer allowed to see her family. He has hit her & throws her around(in front of her daughter) & talks to her like she is human garbage, and tells her she is fat & ugly(she is drop dead gorgeous).He cheats on her with his ex,breaks up with her every other week & also smokes crack in her basement. (JUST TO MENTION A FEW SITUATIONS).


Also he:


He has never worked, lives off of her & has cost her 2 jobs in the last year and has crashed her car & her Mothers car. We also just found out that he spent 8 years in jail for stabbinganother ex girlfriend,who was then only 16 years old, she hadOVER 34 STABWOUNDS!


She is 37 & he is 42, her daughter is now 13.


My fear is for her,but more so for her daughter,because she doesn't have a say in the matter & I am afraid fortheir safety.


He has boxed so many people out of her life so that she has no one to help her, the sick thing is, it seems like she doesn't want help!


The only reason why I keep my mouth shut is because if I didn't she wouldn't tell me anything,she even has to "sneak" to talk to me because he told her I was "no good".


My question is: do I have any right to bud in? Other friends tell me it's not any of my business,but I say if someone is being abused & you know it, you have to at least TRY and help, don't you? I mean this is (was) my BEST friend (& her daughter!).


I want to call social services because of her daughter (the Father is in the Army) & I don't know any of his relatives to speak to. If I go to her family, she will deny that he has done anything....why do women stick up for men like this?


He is getting more paranoid by the day from his crack use & hallucinates..my friend left her daughter's Father because he was a heroin addict,(hehas beenclean for 11 years now) so why subject her to another addict? Especially when that was why she left the father of her child.


The only thing that he has failed at getting her to do was when he wanted her to send her daughter to live w/ her Dad's family (which would have been the best thing for her daughterif you ask me).


He has been wanting her to get pregnant & she has told me that they have been trying with no luck (most likely because of the drugs he'd doing are making him sterile). If she has a child with him...well, I can't even imagine....I also think she may be using drugs as well,not that she's told me, but I get that feeling....


What do I do? Anything? Nothing? I would appreciate ANY suggestions....Everyone is telling me to mind my business,that's whyI haven't done anything...and also I do not know WHAT to do? has anyone been in this situation?
If you live in or near an urban centre you can get the connections to a women's/childrens safe shelters, write it on a piece of paper and give it to her. You can let her know that if she needs help escaping that you or family/friends/neighbours will help her. Tell her to call the police and they will arrest him and keep him in jail until she moves out to a safe centre.





Should you be concerned and interfer in some way to help her and her child - absolutely. He will kill them.
 
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mimijiminy is offline mimijiminy Post #7  January 15,2009, 6:35pm
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I don't know who these other friends of yours are who are telling you not to get involved. Not only is it your right to butt in, it is your DUTY as a human being. A child's life is possibly at danger, not to mention your friend's.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #8  January 15,2009, 6:51pm
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You are far beyond the point of keeping your mouth shut and keeping out of it. I'd say as soon as this guy exhibited the VERY FIRST bout of abusive behavior, it was time for you to say something to your friend.


I'm not accusing or blaming you, just telling you for future reference, next time you have a friend in a similar situation, please speak up to them, and don't put it off. She needs out of this ASAP, as well as all the other people being hurt by this guy. She also needs professional help so she can understand why she thinks it's OK to be treated this way.


The people telling you to mind your own business are telling you what THEY would do, because they are chickens and don't want to stand up for what's right. They're also probably afraid this guy will come after them if they took action against him. You also need to protect yourself in case he tries coming after you.


The majority are not always right; in fact, most of the time they're wrong.
 
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rarangure is offline rarangure Post #9  January 15,2009, 6:52pm
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Unfortunately your friend is making her own decisions about her life, and you may not be able to do anything about that if she choses to stay. But you MUST call CPS, or DSS, or whatever the organization in your area is for protecting kids. Give them the facts. Let them do an investigation into his past, anything that might be going on now, and HOPEFULLY THEY'LL REMOVE THE DAUGHTER. I don't know your finances, but it might also be prudent to hire a PI if you can afford it. Anything evidence that is current would be a great asset.
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #10  January 15,2009, 7:06pm

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I wish I hadn't read this thread, it's truly horrible. You're in a terrible situation because your friend is really the one who has to do the moving and shaking, & until she does, nothing you do/say will likely help. But that doesn't mean you can't try. I agree with the guys above - try DSS at the very least.
 
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