livluvnlaf24 is offline livluvnlaf24 Post #1  January 3,2009, 3:41pm
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Relationships are never 100%-- agreed. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year and we are perfect for each other in terms of compatibility. We are so in love and he brings up marriage all the time. The problem is he lacks any form of initiative when it comes to getting his life back on track. Granted, hes not a drug dealer, criminal or whatever you may be thinking...he is merely a 24 year old waiter with little motivation to make something better of his life. Oh, and i hasnt gotten his license back yet after 3 years of not driving from a DWI. There are other things as well such as not having any credit history and still living at home...How am i supposed to marry someone who has no degree or doesnt know how to pay bills?


This is a topic i haveshed tears over and am honestly sick and tired of bringing the topic up. I constantly get the response, "i know. i will," and all i need to see is him get up one day and go online to research schools ormerely budgeting/saving his money without just spending it on food and drinks for us. He just tells me that he needs me to push him, but im 21 and have my own stresses and issues to deal with in terms of school and whatever else. I can't mother him around and tell him what to do for the rest of his life even though i have no problem helping him. I have no more energy and i can't seem to bring myself to break up with him when i know we are so compatible. I need some serious advice.


-Lindsay
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #2  January 6,2009, 10:07am
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It sounds like he is immature, irresponsible, has no goals for his life, lacks motivation,...., and is looking for someoneto "fix him" (when he's theONLY person who can). How exactly are you compatible? You are WAY too young to take on someone else's problems. My advice is to move on and use your energy to improve your own life.
 
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WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #3  January 6,2009, 11:37am
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flgal,417064 wrote :

It sounds like he is immature, irresponsible, has no goals for his life, lacks motivation,...., and is looking for someoneto "fix him" (when he's theONLY person who can). How exactly are you compatible? You are WAY too young to take on someone else's problems. My advice is to move on and use your energy to improve your own life.
+1000^100


His contribution to your partnership is diplorable. You deserve better. You've been smart to watch his actions not be lulled into denial by his words. You know what to do. Show some love for yourself by breaking it with him to search for someone to love you equally in return. We're all here rootin' you on.
 
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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #4  January 6,2009, 11:38am
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livluvnlaf24, wrote :

Relationships are never 100%-- agreed. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year and we are perfect for each other in terms of compatibility. We are so in love and he brings up marriage all the time. The problem is he lacks any form of initiative when it comes to getting his life back on track. Granted, hes not a drug dealer, criminal or whatever you may be thinking...he is merely a 24 year old waiter with little motivation to make something better of his life. Oh, and i hasnt gotten his license back yet after 3 years of not driving from a DWI. There are other things as well such as not having any credit history and still living at home...How am i supposed to marry someone who has no degree or doesnt know how to pay bills?


This is a topic i haveshed tears over and am honestly sick and tired of bringing the topic up. I constantly get the response, "i know. i will," and all i need to see is him get up one day and go online to research schools ormerely budgeting/saving his money without just spending it on food and drinks for us. He just tells me that he needs me to push him, but im 21 and have my own stresses and issues to deal with in terms of school and whatever else. I can't mother him around and tell him what to do for the rest of his life even though i have no problem helping him. I have no more energy and i can't seem to bring myself to break up with him when i know we are so compatible. I need some serious advice.


-Lindsay
If you really feel you are compatible, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that you will be the breadwinner/driving force in most aspects of your relationship. Will you resent that years from now? When I was your age my boyfriend of 12 years relied on me for everything; he rarely had his own car and quit his jobs whenever someone made him angry. He had a great sense of humor though and could clean a house like nobody's business. I got tired of always carrying us though, so I had to end it.


After a miserable marriage some years later (I'm 48 now), I have met a very nice man (48 years old as well) who treats me so much better than my ex. He has a great sense of humor and is very supportive emotionally. The reason it won't last? He has no ambitions or desire to be anything more than a truck driver (and not the kind that makes alot of money -I have to pay my way or sometimes BOTH of our ways when we go out), hewas married and divorced twice and now lives with his mother. We haveSO many other things in common, but I can't go down the road again of being the one who carries everything. It's sad, but I know what I have to do.


Let me know what you decide, but really think it through (fast forward 20 years....)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  January 6,2009, 2:20pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think what you need is to deal with something within yourself. This is, what is there about you that makes you feel compatible with this guy and all the problems he has? The thing is....a guy like you describe has many other problems and issues in his life besides what you listed....it's just that you're not able to see them.


So many times people who have some type of problem in their life don't want to actually change.....they just want to remain as they are but just without their problems. It just doesn't work that way. I think you have to make a choice between either accepting yourself and your boyfriend as you are along with all the accompanying problems. In that case you'll just have to accept being a large support for this guy (including financially) in the future. Or, you can address why you feel compatible with someone like this....which will also necessitate that you leave him. Best wishes.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #6  January 6,2009, 7:44pm
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As much as you care for him, unless you're willing to take on a life of being the only adult in the family...run in the other direction! As someone else here said, fast forward a couple of decades to a picture of you sitting in front of a pile of bills after work, trying to figure out how to make ends meet while your hubby slumbers peacefully in the other room.... Shouldering the earning reaponsibility and making all the important decisions because your partner won't step up is a lonely place to be. If he doesn't want to change, you can't make him change, and the "love of a good woman" doesn't do the trick like the movies say =(
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #7  January 6,2009, 9:06pm
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I agree with everyone else. I'm sure you feel like you love him, but you seriously do not sound compatible.


You'd be better off witha puppy. They're cheaper in the longrunand don't stay out late at bars.


Just sayin.


BTW, at 44,things are very different than in your 20s. "Takes me to all of the cool clubs" is no longer sexy. "Can take care of himself" is VERY sexy.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #8  January 7,2009, 8:47am
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livluvnlaf24, wrote :

Relationships are never 100%-- agreed. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year and we are perfect for each other in terms of compatibility. We are so in love and he brings up marriage all the time. The problem is he lacks any form of initiative when it comes to getting his life back on track. Granted, hes not a drug dealer, criminal or whatever you may be thinking...he is merely a 24 year old waiter with little motivation to make something better of his life. Oh, and i hasnt gotten his license back yet after 3 years of not driving from a DWI. There are other things as well such as not having any credit history and still living at home...How am i supposed to marry someone who has no degree or doesnt know how to pay bills?


This is a topic i haveshed tears over and am honestly sick and tired of bringing the topic up. I constantly get the response, "i know. i will," and all i need to see is him get up one day and go online to research schools ormerely budgeting/saving his money without just spending it on food and drinks for us. He just tells me that he needs me to push him, but im 21 and have my own stresses and issues to deal with in terms of school and whatever else. I can't mother him around and tell him what to do for the rest of his life even though i have no problem helping him. I have no more energy and i can't seem to bring myself to break up with him when i know we are so compatible. I need some serious advice.


-Lindsay
You're weighing your emotions with common sense, which is not a bad thing. If he's serious about getting married, he's going to need to face some realities about life and yes, take some action. He's awfully young though. It's only been a year and he could be the Hopeless Romantic type who dreams of riding off into the sunset with his true love, but it's not going to pay the bills.


You're the practical side of the relationship that can ground him, if he allows you to bring that quality to the relationship without resenting it. If he's draggin his feet about his future, he's not ready to get married; he just likes the idea of it.


I'd have a talk with him and suggest you guys wait a couple of years and within that time make some goals for yourselves individually and as a couple and see where that takes the two of you. He needs to stop bringing up marriage unless he can bring something to the table that gives you some security that he really wants this beyond his "fantasy".
 
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Tantalus is offline Tantalus Post #9  January 7,2009, 9:52am
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If you really want to motivate him, cut him off. Tell him you can't be with him anymore until he gets his life in order. If he has anydesire to do what heknows he needs to and actually does want to be with you, he will. It might take some time, but he will. If he doesn't, then you know that he doesn't care about you as much as he wants to be lazy.
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #10  January 7,2009, 10:15am
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Have you been listening to Led Zeppelin's "Communication Breakdown" on the iPod again? This is not a case of communication breakdown. As you have said it is a motivation problem. I'll have to side with Tantalus on this one. If he wants to change he will. As long as he is enabled he won't. Even if he does manage to pull out, what is to say he won't get unmotivated in the future and thus leaving you to finance the relationship?
 
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