What to do when he doesn't want to have sex?


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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #11  January 3,2009, 8:44am
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He's undergoing a great deal of stress. His new demanding job plus moving in with his girlfriend and being in a new city...that's a lot to handle all at once.


So he's using porn as an escape, a way to relieve stress. Unfortunately the stress plus his porn outlet are killing your love life.


I suggest during a slower time, maybe on the weekend, sit down with him and talk things over. Tell him you know he's under some stress and would like to help, then ask his opinion on things. Tell him you love him and you want to have a good sex life together. Then again as his viewpoint on this.


Basically, you want to become his outlet for stress, but in a healthy way. Were he comes home and maybe together you incorporate some of his fantasies into your love making. But yes, even touching, carressing and massages without the pressure of sex will bring you close to him physically.


The porn can become an addiction. You might ask him about that, but he may become defensive on it. If it's at an addition level (sounds like it might be) then only he can decide to get help, you won't be able to force him to do it.


Good luck.
 
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zarathustra is offline zarathustra Post #12  January 3,2009, 10:25am

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luckkyinlove, wrote :

How do I make him respond to me?
If you've got the money, a trip to Victoria's Secret might help.


Look, I think what you two want to do ishave a conversation about whether or not moving in together was a good decision. I agree with the posters before me. Moving in togethercan bea relationship killer.


I am hopeful that you resolve your dilemma soon.
 
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Tantalus is offline Tantalus Post #13  January 3,2009, 10:51am
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I'd return him for an upgraded model. He sounds broken.


Seriously, I'd move out at the very least. He wasn't ready for this, and if he's actually rejecting your advances...wow. I mean, something like that is literally mind-boggling to me.
 
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metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #14  January 3,2009, 12:41pm
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Porn is just a poor substitute for sex. Most guys would take real sex over porn any day of the week. I don't think his change in behaviour is necessarily about you. To some degree, porn is about control - the user instigates the session, controls the images, timing,and environment.


I'm guessing your guy feels like he has lost control over things: his job stressmight beoverwhelming, and even though he may intellectually want to live together, you have moved into his fortress of solitude. Your discussing the matter and trying to initiate sex might only make him feel more powerless.


I'm going to suggest a different approach. Rather than concentrate on the sex and the porn habit, I'd try to do things together that (sorry to sound so corny here) make him feel like a man, things that he is good at, where he is needed. Good examples of this are mechanical repairs or home renovation, getting his technical advice on some purchase (e.g. what tires should I buy?), visiting some friends or relatives who enjoy his company, playing some sport or game where he excels or can teach others. I know it's lame, but it works. Boost his male ego, and the libido should follow.
 
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wildman is offline wildman Post #15  January 3,2009, 1:14pm
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simpletonHeart70,411129 wrote :
Altair,411107 wrote :

Porn was instrumental in breaking up my marriage so I feel for you as i went through the same thing- why get off to that stuff when you have a loving wife to fulfill your needs? Porn can be addicting as any drug, and it may start low key but progresses to more hard core. As this sexual addiction progresses, it is needed more and more, and it increases in its disgusting content in order to get someone off. You need to boot this out of you relationship before it is too late, if it is not too late already. If he will not give it up - permanently - or go to counseling for this addiction, then it is time to call it quits as I guarantee it will not improve over time. None of us women deserve to be compared to the w----s in those videos!
Usually it's not porn that is the problem. Most men will watch porn and not become "addicted" and end up raping the 14 year old neighbor. Porn for the most part is pretty harmless.


*


If a guy is married and is watching excessive porn, not only is he not getting sex enough, he's probably not getting love either. *It's a bit like being depressed and trying to find some relief by drinking or doing drugs. Neither in the long run make you feel better so you keep ramping them up to try and heal the pain.*


*


If you don't get love, your brain tells you sex will satisfy your hunger for love.


*


Porn is not bad. Porn does not break up marriages, something else is wrong.*
I have to disagree with this. People who go out and rape are usually those who have low self esteem and cannot have normal interpersonal relations with a female. It is also about power over a helpless victim. It is true that porn will not break up every marriage, but it has been shown to be a factor. Not every crack addict will go out and steal, but many do. Not every drunk will get in an accident and kill someone but many do. And not every nicotine addict will die of lung cancer. Watching porn has nothing to do with getting loving or sex from their wife. It is about wanting to watch mostly good looking woman do unnatural things and fantasizing that you are with them. But it can be addictive and it can escalate as someone moves up from play-boy to Hus-tler or from mild to hard core porn. If you think porn is harmless than you are just deluding yourself and have fallen victim of the porn industry's hype as harmless fun and an aid to marriage. It can be, but mostly it is not, anymore than prostitution or cyber sex.
 
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PY is offline PY Post #16  January 3,2009, 1:35pm

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luckkyinlove, wrote :

I moved in with my boyfriend of a year and a half to a new city about six months ago. Up until then the sex was amazing and pretty frequent. Now it is few and far between. I constantly try to make advances toward him but usually I am rejected. I have noticed that he has been looking at porn a lot more lately and it hurts me that he would rather look at porn than initiate something with me when I'm in the other room. He works a lot and I think maybe he's just tired. I've expressed my feelings with him and things got better for a few days but now its back to normal. I know for a fact he is not cheating on me. We're in love but the physical part of the relationship is not keeping up with the emotional part. How do I make him respond to me?
Did you know his behavior of porn viewing before you moved in together?


You said sex was great...was this BEFORE you moved in?


I don't think tired has anything to do with it.
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #17  January 3,2009, 1:59pm
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simpletonHeart70,411129 wrote :

Altair,411107 wrote :


Porn was instrumental in breaking up my marriage so I feel for you as i went through the same thing- why get off to that stuff when you have a loving wife to fulfill your needs? Porn can be addicting as any drug, and it may start low key but progresses to more hard core. As this sexual addiction progresses, it is needed more and more, and it increases in its disgusting content in order to get someone off. You need to boot this out of you relationship before it is too late, if it is not too late already. If he will not give it up - permanently - or go to counseling for this addiction, then it is time to call it quits as I guarantee it will not improve over time. None of us women deserve to be compared to the w----s in those videos!


Usually it's not porn that is the problem. Most men will watch porn and not become "addicted" and end up raping the 14 year old neighbor. Porn for the most part is pretty harmless.





If a guy is married and is watching excessive porn, not only is he not getting sex enough, he's probably not getting love either. It's a bit like being depressed and trying to find some relief by drinking or doing drugs. Neither in the long run make you feel better so you keep ramping them up to try and heal the pain.





If you don't get love, your brain tells you sex will satisfy your hunger for love.





Porn is not bad. Porn does not break up marriages, something else is wrong.
Altair sorry to hear about your situation. What you detail sounds like life with an addict which is near impossible to negotiate.


In your case, the addiction happened to be about porn but in someone else's case it could be to drugs, alcohol, gambling whatever else.


I would agree that pron addiction is a deal killer, but I wouldn't say that makes p0rn bad, it makes being addicted to it (or anything else) bad.


Also simpletonHeart, I don't believe that addiction is a matter of lack of love.It's more complex than that.


Going back to the OP's post, it is not yet clear that he is addicted to porn. Maybe that's something you should evaluate?


Typically addictions are classified as needing more and more of the same substance than before to acheive satisfaction, looking for more extreme activities in that area than before, to have your addiction completely interrupting your every-day life including work and to be willing to sacrifice what you previously valued in order to get your fix.
 
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HearMeRoar is offline HearMeRoar Post #18  January 3,2009, 2:19pm
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wildman,411627 wrote :


simpletonHeart70,411129 wrote :
Altair,411107 wrote :


Porn was instrumental in breaking up my marriage so I feel for you as i went through the same thing- why get off to that stuff when you have a loving wife to fulfill your needs? Porn can be addicting as any drug, and it may start low key but progresses to more hard core. As this sexual addiction progresses, it is needed more and more, and it increases in its disgusting content in order to get someone off. You need to boot this out of you relationship before it is too late, if it is not too late already. If he will not give it up - permanently - or go to counseling for this addiction, then it is time to call it quits as I guarantee it will not improve over time. None of us women deserve to be compared to the w----s in those videos!


Usually it's not porn that is the problem. Most men will watch porn and not become "addicted" and end up raping the 14 year old neighbor. Porn for the most part is pretty harmless.





If a guy is married and is watching excessive porn, not only is he not getting sex enough, he's probably not getting love either. It's a bit like being depressed and trying to find some relief by drinking or doing drugs. Neither in the long run make you feel better so you keep ramping them up to try and heal the pain.





If you don't get love, your brain tells you sex will satisfy your hunger for love.





Porn is not bad. Porn does not break up marriages, something else is wrong.

I have to disagree with this. People who go out and rape are usually those who have low self esteem and cannot have normal interpersonal relations with a female. It is also about power over a helpless victim. It is true that porn will not break up every marriage, but it has been shown to be a factor. Not every crack addict will go out and steal, but many do. Not every drunk will get in an accident and kill someone but many do. And not every nicotine addict will die of lung cancer. Watching porn has nothing to do with getting loving or sex from their wife. It is about wanting to watch mostly good looking woman do unnatural things and fantasizing that you are with them. But it can be addictive and it can escalate as someone moves up from play-boy to Hus-tler or from mild to hard core porn. If you think porn is harmless than you are just deluding yourself and have fallen victim of the porn industry's hype as harmless fun and an aid to marriage. It can be, but mostly it is not, anymore than prostitution or cyber sex.


Thank you so much for this post. Porn is all about filling a one-sided fantasy and doesn't tune into a woman's needs. Its biologically reinforced pay off de-educates men about women's specific biological and hormonal needs. When is the last time a porno showed a man treating a woman well throughout her day, doing the dishes, and then romancing a woman first? Paying special attention to her pleasure buttons in a gentle manner? Paying attention to just one woman as opposed to five? It's loveless.


And the porn industry preys on abuse victims. It's the culmination of the abuse cycle. Moreover, since the source of foreign and even domestic internet porn is so hard to trace---some of the "stars" are even captives and/or underage.


We as women are often conditioned to believe that we have to settle for a man's porn habit. If that's what floats your boat, I suppose that's one thing---


But you don't have to settle. Not all men are into it. Some of them feel just as degraded by the lovelessness in porn.


And even men don't have to settle for porn. In patriarchial society, men are often conditioned to believe that they need to do certain things to be a "real man." But a man can be all man, an even stronger man in fact, and not into porn.


(As a side note, anyone interested in how patriarchial society forces roles on men, check out Grand Torino. It was awesome. Clint Eastwood always has so much to say about gender. And this film really wraps up his body of work well.)
 
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HearMeRoar is offline HearMeRoar Post #19  January 3,2009, 2:24pm
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NGogol,411594 wrote :

metamucilmuffin,411539 wrote :


you have moved into his fortress of solitude. Your discussing the matter and trying to initiate sex might only make him feel more powerless.


Spot on.


Let him initiate sex. Don't emasculate him. And for heavens sake don't disucss your sexual needs with him - that will make sex into a chore for him. No fun that way.
Yes, if you want a relationship with someone like NGogol---- also known as C D R, follow this advice. Then you can get blamed all the time with attacking language---never be able to express your needs---have to squash down all of your very human emotions. Fulfilling huh? He will tell you that to not assign emotion to sex is to have a high self-esteem. To deny and not own emotions is to have a low self-esteem.
 
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EHScreenName is offline EHScreenName Post #20  January 3,2009, 2:36pm
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luckkyinlove, wrote :

I moved in with my boyfriend of a year and a half to a new city about six months ago. Up until then the sex was amazing and pretty frequent. Now it is few and far between. I constantly try to make advances toward him but usually I am rejected. I have noticed that he has been looking at porn a lot more lately and it hurts me that he would rather look at porn than initiate something with me when I'm in the other room. He works a lot and I think maybe he's just tired. I've expressed my feelings with him and things got better for a few days but now its back to normal. I know for a fact he is not cheating on me. We're in love but the physical part of the relationship is not keeping up with the emotional part. How do I make him respond to me?
luckyinlove, so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this! I know from personal experience how baffling and hurtful it can be.


Others have suggested many reasons for his behavior and they may be right (except for thesuggestions that this is the inevitable progression of a relationship. No professional would agree with that, and those who say different sound like they're trying to reassure themselvs abouttheir own inadequate relationships).But to get back on point...I have to ask - does it even matter? The bottom line is that he is choosing another outlet over you and your relationship. Everyone is entitled to a little "me" time, but consistently avoiding a very important aspect of the relationship isn't healthy (and usually points to much larger underlying problems). And the bigger issue seems to be that he's unwilling to discuss it and make the effort to improve the situation. I realize it's easy to get caught up in all the questions of why, the drama, etc.but perhaps the better question is why you'd continue to pour your energy into a situation like this.IMO, he needs to know that this isn't working for you and you're willing to work on it b/c you love him, but he needs to make the same effort. Otherwise, you're out the door. Think of it this way - do you want to wind up with a man who evidently does notdesire you? Think of how you feel now and imagine how you'll feel after another year of this... the feelings of resentment, anger, rejection, betrayal... whatever it causes you to feel will be poison to the relationship.


Best of luck, I hope it works out for you.
 
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