I am in a 24 year marriage and I don't know whether to continue to try and work through things or to throw my hands up and admit defeat.


I am married to a man who I love very much. Everything I do has him in the center. Over the years I have found ways to counteract his hateful and mean words and actions, but I'm tired and I don't like being unappreciated, unloved and unwanted.


I say this because this is what he tells me everytime something goes wrong. Doesn't matter what it is, somehow I will be the one who pays the price. He seems to look at me as the enemy. He doesn't trust anything where I am concerned, never has and I have never given him any reason to not trust me. He calls me names, tells me he doesn't need me, that he hates me and our 4 children, he hates to come home. He also calls himself names and belittles himself and does his best to try to make it be me or the children who said the negative things. He tells me constantly that I don't love or care for him. I ask him why he thinks this, what I have done to make him feel this way, and he can never answer me, he just continues on with his vicious words. He is a very hurtful person, but he has actually gotten me to the point of numbness, I don't feel the hurtful words anymore. He complains about us being "seperate", leading "seperate lives". But he is the one who seperated us years ago. He is a workaholic, so he is very seldom home, I have been a stay at home wife and mother, dedicating my life to my family. When he did this, he forced me to do whatever I had to do to take care of myself and my four children. He made it clear he didn't need me or want to need me, but my children did and do need me. So I started a day care home in order to have an income. He opened a joint account 9 months ago and I thought maybe he was trying to make a change, but he did it to me again. He closed the account because I used it, I made deposits and withdrawals. He wanted to ignore the fact that I made deposits to cover any amount I withdrew, but the fact remains that I withdrew money or wrote a check without his approval and in his book this is wrong.Our joint account was HIS account and I was out of line for touching it. I would never do anything to hurt him, I only want to help him, be his helpmate, but I don't know how to get that throuh to him. I have basically been a single parent, taken responsiblity for issues that I was afraid would upset him and set him off, but he condenms me for all of it. I can't win for losing. I contribute to the family income, and it is only a fraction of what he makes a month, but he informed me that "it's not enough, I was hoping you could help me more." I was so hurt. He doen't help me at all, but he expects me to bail him out anytime he gets in a mess, such as overdrawn at the bank. And guess what, even if I am not on his account,somehow his mess would be my fault. I'm not angel, but I do give my marriage everything I have to give and then some. What do I do?

Dear Dedicated,


You're very severely mentally and emotionally abused by your husband and you and he are spinning around and around in what's known at the Wheel of Abuse.


These things will help you:


1. Please, for your sake and that of your children, you MUST call theNational AbuseHotline: 1-800-799-7233. Find out from them what the resources are in your area. Most every place has free counseling and / or group couseling, etc. See what's available to you and your children. Most places also have shelters if you need that too. Some offer lawyer services pro bono.


A person does not have to be physically abused to be abused which is what is happening to you and your children. You're all walking on eggshells. You are a victim though you probably do not realize it.


Until you choose to do something different, you will ALWAYS be in this situation. Please make that call.


Here's what Domestic abuse is:


". . . occurs when one person is an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn't "play fair." He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.


Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/dome...es_effects.htm


Also, please visit the above website so you can see the Wheel of Abuse and understand the "Cycle of Violence." Again, abuse does not have to be physical. Indeed, individuals who've been abused often say the emotional is much worse than the physical.


2. I've just written this to another person though you may not see that thread so I'll post it here.


Call this non-profit organziation for free and tell them your problem. Their number is 1-800-232-6459) and ask to speak to their Correspondence Dept. Everything is kept in confidence.


Once they're on the phone, explain to them exactly as you've written here and ask them for help. They'll have many resources available they can help you with. Make sure to ask them to mail you their resource list.


Also. be sure to tell them you'd like to also speak with their Counseling Dept. This Dept. will take your number and call you at a time of your convenience within a day or two. They are licensed, professional counselors, and they will be able to help you get going on a plan.


While they're on the phone, ask them if they have any counselor referrals for your area. Make sure you start going to counseling right away with someone in your area. Many places have sliding scale. Explain your financial situation and see what they can do to help you. If the first counselor you see does not help you, find one who does.


Thirdly, ask to be connected with their Chaplain's Dept. A Chaplain will call you back, again at a time good for you, and pray with you over the phone. This is much more helpful than you may think it to be.


Do these above things right away.


They also have a free monthly magazine that you can receive. Make sure to ask them for it.


3. Additionally, you may want to check out these two sites which have some very helpful information: www.family.org/marriage and another companion site: www.troubledwith.com. You can search by topic.


You're in a very complicated, abusive situation. Do not take it lightly. Most abuse victims never get the help they need for themselves and their families.


Keep this saying in mind, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got." It's past due time for you to stop this terrible Cycle of Abuse in your family.


I will pray for you that you will have the strength to do the things I've outlined above and courage to follow through. I will always pray for you and your children's well-being.


Please write and let us know how you're doing.


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