My friend is dating someone I dont like


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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #1  December 30,2008, 4:00pm
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Yes. Bring up the pact you agreed on. Then tell her you are fullfillling the promise by telling her what you just posted.


People in a relationship should not hit each other, the man or the woman. It shows lack of self control and lack of respect for the other person.


Also, he's still married. Nevermind the reason, it doesn't matter.


Finally, she wants to live with him and move back to her home country to do it? First, never move for a new relationship and never move in with someone in a new relationship.


By the way, I'm guessing this relationship is new because you didn't mention him hitting her...YET.


But be prepared for her to reject your advice. You may just have to accept that she has to learn the hard way, no matter what you tell her.
 
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zana is offline zana Post #2  December 30,2008, 4:40pm
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Okay, my friend met this guy online - on a social networking site and he's come to visit her and she's happy, but....
[*]The photos she showed me of him - just give me a really bad feeling about him (and this is before she told me the next bit)
[*]She told me that he used to hit his ex-wife and that he gave her reasons why he did it, that he gave her justifications for hitting her!!
[*]He still isnt divorced from his wife, because she wont give him a divorce... now this may or may not be true - they both come from a culture in which a divorcee is a bit of a pariah, so that could be the reason why his wife hasnt given him the divorce, but I dunno!
[/list]




Now I just want to tell her to get away from him, but she thinks she wants to go and live with him because she wants to go back to her home country as the rest of her family is going to go there at the end of this year and I think she think he's her best option....


The interesting thing is that the hitting the ex was one of the first things she told me (when we talked the other day), so she is definitely conflicted about it, but the newness and the romantic overtures he is showing her are over-riding her normal good sense!


We made this pact a few months ago, after she got rid od the last loser (cyber sex-crazed loser) that if either of us met a loser, we would let the other one know about it.


Do you think I should be blunt and tell her what I think, as I really really want to??
 
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zana is offline zana Post #3  December 30,2008, 4:43pm
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Yes, their relationship is very new .....


She lives in one country and he lives in her original homeland.... where she wants to go back to....


They met up when she went there on vacation a few weeks ago.....


I can be quite tactful, but I just want to be really blunt about this, as I know she is getting involved with a bad guy and I dont want to see her get hurt. Better she end it now before she gets too involved with him....


But then again she is smart, so she usually works it out, but she hasnt this time and thats because he showed her such tenderness and romance when they met up.... that I think its clouded her vision....
 
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zana is offline zana Post #4  January 2,2009, 5:09am
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robv_la,402875 wrote :

Yes. Bring up the pact you agreed on. Then tell her you are fullfillling the promise by telling her what you just posted.
Thanks.... yeah I did.... bring up that pact... and she took it quite well.... didnt get mad with me for telling her what I thought....


I just hope that soon enuf she realises that he is a waste of her time and can let him go.... if not, I will do my best to convince her so!!
 
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lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #5  January 2,2009, 6:45am
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zana,408885 wrote :

robv_la,402875 wrote :


Yes. Bring up the pact you agreed on. Then tell her you are fullfillling the promise by telling her what you just posted.


Thanks.... yeah I did.... bring up that pact... and she took it quite well.... didnt get mad with me for telling her what I thought....


I just hope that soon enuf she realises that he is a waste of her time and can let him go.... if not, I will do my best to convince her so!!
You are a true friend. Being willing to risk the friendship to be honest with her shows this. I hope your friend realizes that men who hit will hit again. Unfortunately she may be in that state of "oh no it will be different wth me" or the complete denial that he is wrong to hit his wife in any way. Keep being the friend that you are and remind her you will always be there for her.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  January 2,2009, 6:57am
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zana,402947 wrote :

Yes, their relationship is very new .....


She lives in one country and he lives in her original homeland.... where she wants to go back to....


They met up when she went there on vacation a few weeks ago.....


I can be quite tactful, but I just want to be really blunt about this, as I know she is getting involved with a bad guy and I dont want to see her get hurt. Better she end it now before she gets too involved with him....


But then again she is smart, so she usually works it out, but she hasnt this time and thats because he showed her such tenderness and romance when they met up.... that I think its clouded her vision....
She doesn't sound very smart to me.


Only met the guy a few weeks ago and wants to move to him...


Guy hits his wife....


The guy is still married to someone else...


Someone needs their head examined.
 
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Candid_Witch is offline Candid_Witch Post #7  January 2,2009, 10:58am
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Sometimes people who think they are "inlove" cannot see things clearly as the way others around him/her do. The best way you could do is just to open her eyes with the fact that the guy she's involved with has a record of hitting his ex-wife and that there were complications (as the guy isn't divorce).


Hmmm.. better to give her an advice just to slow down a bit and get to know the guy first before finally giving her all to the relationship (i believe she deserves better than that guy). But there is no guarantee that she would listen to youor that she would take it in a positive way.She might be offended in a way (it happens in most cases).


I do hope that your friend will realize things before it'll be too late.
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #8  January 2,2009, 4:15pm
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zana, wrote :

Okay, my friend met this guy online - on a social networking site and he's come to visit her and she's happy, but....
[*]The photos she showed me of him - just give me a really bad feeling about him (and this is before she told me the next bit)
[*]She told me that he used to hit his ex-wife and that he gave her reasons why he did it, that he gave her justifications for hitting her!!
[*]He still isnt divorced from his wife, because she wont give him a divorce... now this may or may not be true - they both come from a culture in which a divorcee is a bit of a pariah, so that could be the reason why his wife hasnt given him the divorce, but I dunno!
[/list]




Now I just want to tell her to get away from him, but she thinks she wants to go and live with him because she wants to go back to her home country as the rest of her family is going to go there at the end of this year and I think she think he's her best option....


The interesting thing is that the hitting the ex was one of the first things she told me (when we talked the other day), so she is definitely conflicted about it, but the newness and the romantic overtures he is showing her are over-riding her normal good sense!


We made this pact a few months ago, after she got rid od the last loser (cyber sex-crazed loser) that if either of us met a loser, we would let the other one know about it.


Do you think I should be blunt and tell her what I think, as I really really want to??
Hey Zana:


You can tell her what you think, but remember she is the one going out with him not you. Maybe they have fun together when you are not around, just the two of them. She doesn't have to include you with there activities together. Maybe spend time with your girlfriend seperately without her boyfriend present.





from Haruo
 
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BSchorr is offline BSchorr Post #9  January 2,2009, 4:27pm
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zana,402947 wrote :

Yes, their relationship is very new .....


She lives in one country and he lives in her original homeland.... where she wants to go back to....


They met up when she went there on vacation a few weeks ago.....


I can be quite tactful, but I just want to be really blunt about this, as I know she is getting involved with a bad guy and I dont want to see her get hurt. Better she end it now before she gets too involved with him....


But then again she is smart, so she usually works it out, but she hasnt this time and thats because he showed her such tenderness and romance when they met up.... that I think its clouded her vision....
You told her what you're thinking - you've done the best you can. Keep being her friend and be honest with her.


Abusers are often very tender and romantic...when they're not being abusive. I hope she doesn't have to learn that the hard way.


-B-
 
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Ndfrspd is offline Ndfrspd Post #10  January 2,2009, 4:37pm
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Having delt with domestic's in my career, it is an unbreakable pattern for some reason on both sides. Whatwere your friends past relationships like, similar?


And yes be blunt get her out of it now!
 
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