cantbreath is offline cantbreath Post #1  December 28,2008, 5:41am
cantbreath's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Ohio

Posts: 6

See profile



On christmas day I kicked my husband of 20 years out. I found out on christmas eve he had been cheating on me. Not in a million years did I think this man would do something that would bring me down so far, i cant breath, Im walking around in a fog, wondering if life will be the same. I was 16 and he 15 when we first started dating it was always an on and off thing, I got preg and after our boy turned a year we were married at 19 and 20. I wanted the fairy tail the 50 year marrige, little white house picket fence. What do I do next and How How do I start to even trust this man again, I cant turn my love for this man off. Someone please help my heart to heal.
 
  Reply With Quote
leanna123 is offline leanna123 Post #2  January 1,2009, 6:09am
leanna123's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

cantbreath, wrote :

On christmas day I kicked my husband of 20 years out. I found out on christmas eve he had been cheating on me. Not in a million years did I think this man would do something that would bring me down so far, i cant breath, Im walking around in a fog, wondering if life will be the same. I was 16 and he 15 when we first started dating it was always an on and off thing, I got preg and after our boy turned a year we were married at 19 and 20. I wanted the fairy tail the 50 year marrige, little white house picket fence. What do I do next and How How do I start to even trust this man again, I cant turn my love for this man off. Someone please help my heart to heal.
i understand whatch u mean.Don't guy just piss u off
 
  Reply With Quote
angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #3  January 1,2009, 6:58am
angelofmerci's Avatar

loves the feel of the wind blowing in his face while riding the curves

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 1,302

See profile



I am really sorry this happened to you. If he cheated on you once most likely he will do it again. Even if you did take him back you would never completelytrust him. It is bestto walk away with what pride you still have than to go through this repeatedly.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  January 1,2009, 7:23am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile



It's not completely impossible for a marriage of your duration to overcome infidelity, rebuild the trust...but itwould bean extremely difficult uphill climb for both of you. Is he being remorseful and willing to do that? ...because, it really doesn't matter if he's not.


I'm sorry that you are going through this.
 
  Reply With Quote
chitowngrl08 is offline chitowngrl08 Post #5  January 1,2009, 7:35am
chitowngrl08's Avatar

is a fish in a fishbowl. *just keep swimming*

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Posts: 43

See profile



I dated a guy who cheated on me. I found out and I did the same thing, I gave him the boot! But, I felt in my heart that I wasnt done with him. So I let him crawl & beg his way back to me. I ended up taking him back but as the saying goes, he cheated on me again. I was heartbroken that he could even go to another woman after all we shared. So, I kicked him out again. Same story, my heart didnt want to let him go yet. So, he begged & pleaded even more this time, promised me it would never happen again and, I took him back. I know people thought I was crazy but I followed my heart. We talked about everything: why did he stray, what could be fixed, why did we care to stay together. We became even closer. But...


In the end, I couldnt fully trust him and I struggled with the thought if I could live the rest of my life with that doubt. It only took one little incident to seal the deal. I walked out the door & never looked back. I still love him and it hurt like hell. But I knew it was the right thing for me. I guess, I think that we all need to live our lives and make our own mistakes. There is no cookie-cutter answer that will solve all your problems. If you are true to yourself, you know what you must do. I did what I felt was the best for me and Im glad I did. We started to talk after a few weeks and both agreed that we loved each other but being together just wouldnt work. Now, my ex is one of my best guy friends. We talk all the time and he gives me the best advice on guys!


Im not saying that thats how your situation will end up, its up to you on what you do. Still, I want you to know that trust is not given, its earned. He needs to earn his trust back and you need to let him. If you two can work through it together, it will make you stronger. It made me & my ex stronger, even though we ended up just being great friends. Be honest with yourself, if you try & you just cant do it, let the marriage go but keep the friendship. I think its worth a shot to try and save your marriage but dont become a doormat! You need to realize that you dont need him to live a happy & fulfilled life. No matter what happens, you will survive. And never let anyone make you think that you dont deserve that Golden 50 & white-picket fence. Its out there, even if its not with him.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  January 1,2009, 8:25am
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile



I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. Not that there's ever a good time of year to find out something like this, but the holidays are especially filled with expectations of a different kind, are a hectic time, and having heartache arrive in the mix is...well, I expect it's overwhelming.


The first thing I would do is take some time...disconnect from as much as you can, let some of the rawness pass. Get lots of rest, eat and drink things that are healthy and good for you, and surround yourself with family and friends who will be supportive.


I don't know the details of your circumstances, but I can offer some suggestions to think about once the first wave of pain passes.


If this was a one-off situation...if there were extenuating circumstances...the marriage was generally healthy and this was a just a horrible mistake that he made once, couples counseling might help you both.


If there were issues in the relationship that weren't communicated, for whatever reason, and it created some dynamic that led to a one-off affair, couples counseling might help you both.


If, when you are able to get past the initial pain and gain a bit of distance from the situation, you think back and see areas of your marriage where things were not working right, there might be a starting point for dialogue.


None of this is to say that anyone but your husband is responsible for his behavior. Cheating is a choice, just like anything else, and the person who actively makes that choice is responsible for it.


You may find, if you care to look, that there is more history there than just one affair. Some folks slip and fall once. Others seem to spend their whole lives on a slippery slope.


Cheating, in my experience, usually comes down to a handful of things...there are those with low self-esteem and low impulse control who cannot resist temptation. There are those with hidden anger issues who seek to reassert some control on their lives by cheating. There are those who have communication issues...with themselves and/or with others....who spend their whole lives living a lie rather than being honest, or who, in some cases, allow one lie...that they aren't happy with some aspect of themselves or their present relationship, to dictate their behavior.


As BikerBeagle said, if there is true remorse, and especially with your long history together, there is some possibility for reconciliation. But, trust is a delicate thing, easily broken and hard to mend. Only you can decide what to do. We are all just people here and you really should be talking to a professional counselor to work through some of your feelings and have some guidance on where to go next with this. You can Google "choosing a therapist" or something of that sort to find guidelines for selecting a counselor. Certainly, please don't make any decisions based on what you read here. We are, most of us, well-meaning, but hardly qualified to give you what you need, other than a sympathetic ear and some kind words.


My best wishes go out to you, though.
 
  Reply With Quote
kayteedid is offline kayteedid Post #7  January 1,2009, 8:27am
kayteedid's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 265

See profile

cantbreath, wrote :

On christmas day I kicked my husband of 20 years out. I found out on christmas eve he had been cheating on me. Not in a million years did I think this man would do something that would bring me down so far, i cant breath, Im walking around in a fog, wondering if life will be the same. I was 16 and he 15 when we first started dating it was always an on and off thing, I got preg and after our boy turned a year we were married at 19 and 20. I wanted the fairy tail the 50 year marrige, little white house picket fence. What do I do next and How How do I start to even trust this man again, I cant turn my love for this man off. Someone please help my heart to heal.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know all those feelings all too well. I was married for 28 years we got married right out of highschool and had 4 children. I too had the 50 year dream and all that went along with it. Trouble was it was my dream not his. All I can say is you will get through. It will be rough you will hurt but you will make it. Hugs to you.
 
  Reply With Quote
haruo is offline haruo Post #8  January 1,2009, 11:43am
haruo's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2007

Posts: 238

See profile



Hi cant breath:


bikerbeagle has the best advice.





from Haruo
 
  Reply With Quote
wishamee is offline wishamee Post #9  January 1,2009, 12:29pm
wishamee's Avatar

has really enjoyed touring her State this summer.

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

PA

Posts: 260

See profile



Hi cantbreath, I too want to express my sorrow and sympathy for your situation. I agree with most of the advice here, and especially the suggestion to possibly include a therapistin your next steps. I think one may be helpful especially if you try to re-establish a broken marriage. An attorney to help you understand your interests, credit, financial awareness is wise too, since kicking him out means maintaining two homes now. You can talk to one without necessarily seeking divorce.


I think there arecouples who have survived infidelity (Cheating), but that might be in very limited situations.


I think the understanding of trust and the loss of it is a huge part of the relationship breakup.


I also want to tease you a little- how many ex-married people didn't expect "the fairy tale, the 50 year+ marriage" when they walked down the aisle? Right? Are you smiling just a little at the teasing?


I know I expected and wanted the forever. But a lot of us didn't get it; and that reality IS a sad thing. In fact, it can feel heartbreaking, especially if it is a more sudden rather than gradual realization. I can tell you from my ownreal life, friends and from this forum that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS even though it may hurt. Surprisingly, you may feel like you are mourning the loss/death of what you had or thought you had.There are plenty of us good people who will wish you well from another shore.
 
  Reply With Quote
travelfairy is offline travelfairy Post #10  January 1,2009, 1:28pm
travelfairy's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2008

Minneapolis

Posts: 104

See profile



This is really tough& I'm sorry you're in this situation. You have a long, hard road ahead of you regardless of which path you're going to take.


1. Find a good therapist. He/She will be invaluable in the months ahead and you'll need an objective person to talk to who understands the rollercoaster you've been put on.


2. Start journaling. It will not only help you to get your feelings and thoughts on paper, which will be overwhelming, confusing, and changing... it will help you to read back over earlier posts and see what was goingon and how far you've come since then.


3. Listen to your head, your heart AND your gut. To be honest, your gut is nornally the nost reliable, the head can over-rationalise, the heart can over-feel, but your gut usually knows the score.


4. Get a good lawyer immediately. Even if you don't divorce it's good to know where you stand and waht can happen to assets and income.


5. Accept that you're going to have a lot of emotions over the coming months, and they're not all fun ones. Don't turn to alcohol, drugs, retail therapy. Try and find a non destructive way of feeling better.


6. Amazon.com has LOADS of super cheap self help / therapy books on this subject. You can buy most of them for $1. At a point in my divorce I bought 7 of them in one day. They will give you nuggets of gold to help you through.


7. You can't get your old life back, but you know what? Maybe there's a much better one around the corner. Transitions are the toughest times of our lives.


Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« OMG! He got MARRIED?!?!?!?! | Relationships | Communication problems! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:15am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0