bOnJovIfAn is offline bOnJovIfAn Post #21  January 6,2009, 5:02pm
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karyng,416652 wrote :

I cheated on my partner of 16years 4 days before i left him. I was 16 when i met him- he was 22. I am now 34. I cheated on him because he broke my heart. He wasn't there for me in my darkest moments (my mum and nan died within4 weeks of each other and he didn't drive 4 hours to be with me because he was getting ready to race motorbikes), it made me realise that he wasn't the one for me and that my heart was broken because he cared more about his motorbikes than me and my family. A year later he told me to deal with it and get over it (the grief of losing my mum on mothers day), and i had been friends with a guy for a while and we clicked and i had an affair the weekend before i left. My partner then he called me some interesting names, and i walked out on financial security, a partner and no money. I could tell our relationship was over, but it was a shock to him that i left. He still doesn't understand why i left, and probably never will.
Hey I too have been in a sitch like this, after 10 years in a relationship I cheated on my husband, probably around four days before we separated. He had for years been cheating on me with my friends, abusing my trust and generally treating me with as little respect as he could...


I too was getting close witha friend and realised hey I have feelings for this man... Needless ti say that one did't work out!!!


I now thank my lucky stars that this 'other guy' did come along, I got out of a sitch that was slowly destroying who I was and my self esteem. I will be forever grateful that my life changed that day.


I am now seeing someone who is ten times the man my husband ever was, I believe he is the one, although I still have trust issues due to past transgressions. He cooks tea everynight, hangs out and brings in the washing, cleans, irons, etc...


So not used to this respect and compassion and it's scary, yet nice all at the same time, cantbreath there is life after 'love' and sometimes it's the best thing that ever happened to you!!!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #22  January 6,2009, 5:08pm
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cantbreath, wrote :

On christmas day I kicked my husband of 20 years out. I found out on christmas eve he had been cheating on me. Not in a million years did I think this man would do something that would bring me down so far, i cant breath, Im walking around in a fog, wondering if life will be the same. I was 16 and he 15 when we first started dating it was always an on and off thing, I got preg and after our boy turned a year we were married at 19 and 20. I wanted the fairy tail the 50 year marrige, little white house picket fence. What do I do next and How How do I start to even trust this man again, I cant turn my love for this man off. Someone please help my heart to heal.
I have read every post and cannot add anything more....


All I can say is: YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS...HANG IN THERE!
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #23  January 6,2009, 5:51pm
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Dear CantBreath,


I'm so very sorry . . . .


1. Here's an extremely helpful book that you should get right away that will tell you exactly what you need to do. It's highly effective. Be sure NOT to let your husband see the book so hide it when you're away in case he enters the house. It's very important he not see what you're doing from this book.


The title is: Love Must Be Tough and you can get it quickly through Amazon or also through the library on interlibrary loan.


Don't delay. You will find it most helpful.


2. Additionally, you all can rekindle your marriage and there will be a section in the book on that with very specific things to do if you so choose. You're in a very powerful position right now and it's important to use it. The book will help you.


3. Keep in mind you're going through the grief process right now which a person does who experiences any kind of loss. The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.


I don't which of the stages you are but it's important for you to know it's a process and you need to give yourself time to grieve.


4. The most important thing you can do for YOURSELF right now is to FORGIVE him. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.


Keep in mind that anger is the worm that destroys a person from within so you forgive him for YOUR sake - not his.


Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. Each time anger at what he's done rears it's ugly head, voluntarily choose to forgive him as an act of yor will, even though you may not feel like it emotionally. Do it anyway for YOU!


Forgive as many times as you need to for anything he's ever done to hurt you. There's a wonderful resource: Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall that will be quite helpful to you. It's a thin book.


5. Don't discuss it endlessly with your girlfriends. It will only make you feel worse. Tell one or two very trusted friends so they can support you, provide encouragement to you, and nurture you. Such a person will listen to you rather than talk. Don't confide in someone who is bitter.


6. There's a non-profit organization called Focus on the Family that will help you for free. Your information is kept confidential. Call them at 1-800-232-6459 and do these three things:


a. Ask to speak to their Correspondence Dept. The person who answers the phone will take your name before transferring you. Everything is kept in confidence.


Once they're on the phone, explain to them exactly as you've written here and ask them for help. They'll have many resources available they can help you with. Make sure to ask them to mail you helpful information they may have. They have some resource lists you can receive free of charge. Ask about them.


b. Also. be sure to tell them you'd like to also speak with their Counseling Dept. This Dept. will take your number and call you at a time of your convenience within a day or two. They are licensed, professional Christian counselors, and they will be able to help you get going on a plan.


While they're on the phone, ask them if they have any counselor referrals for your area.


c. Thirdly, ask to be connected with their Chaplain's Dept. A Chaplain will call you back, again at a time good for you, and pray with you over the phone. This is much more helpful than you may think it to be. Additionally, keep in mind no situation is too hopeless for God. Prayer turns the hand of God!


Do these above things right away.


They also have a free monthly magazine that you can receive by the same name as their organization. Make sure to ask them for it.


7. It's very important you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, exercise (it will help relieve stress), and just take care of yourself. It you need to cry, cry. Tears are healing. You may also want to talk with your pastor confidentially and ask for his prayers.


There is hope for you. Take heart . . . .


JavaJava5
 
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sillymama is offline sillymama Post #24  January 6,2009, 6:48pm
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I know how much your heart hurts right now and that will get better with time if you want it to. I went through the same thing just over 4 years ago, 2 weeks before Christmas. I chose not to stay with him and still love him BUT only as a friend. The first thing I did (even though I knew I would never take him back) was get out bum's in to a counslor. No matter what happened between he and I we still had a daughter to raise, support, and get through the crisis. That was my number 1 thing to focus on was what to do with our daughter.


I don't know how old your children are but even if they are older this can still be devastating for them. That was what i spent time on at first. There were lots of tears and I acted like a complete brat, told him off, told the woman off, called names. It was about 3 weeks into the pain when I was crying one nightthat my 4 year old daughter came up to me with a tissue and wiped my tears and said "mommy it'sok, I'm here for you" In about 10 mins I decided to pick myself up off the floor and realize that I had some wonderful things in my lifeaside from him.


AllI can say is for each person that moment will different. It may be a year from now or 6 months or 3 weeks like me. That was by no means the end of the pain, it was the begining of the healing.


First things first, go see a counslor, together. Then get one for yourself. infidelity can be overcome if you WANTto overcome it and even then, only with time!
 
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HLLFMN is offline HLLFMN Post #25  January 6,2009, 9:49pm
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So sorry to hear of this situation. It's sad howmany of us have been there.
The best site I found was marriagebuilders.com. Check out the discussion boards for lots of help, and sympathy.
 
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