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logginmiles logginmiles is offline
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I must say I have been cheated on, too, andalthough it was nearly ten years ago, I still remember having a tuff time breathing. It still hurts and you are not alone inyour pain and confusion. Travelfairy and others have given you some excellent advise. Please know that you are not alone. Time is thegreatest healer and so is DISTANCE! Do not associate this situation with the holidays. . . . .do not let this awful truth taintsuch an important time of year. Seperate yourself from this man - give yourself some space.Do not lethim or anyone else use the "holidays" as a form of malnipulation.At this time, there are no words, excuses, or apologies you truely need to hear. You need toconcentrate on yourself, breathe, try to be with those who love you, and do not dwell on him. Easier said than done, I know, but focus on something good and the "bad" will diminish slowly but surely. Youdeserve better. Do not let the dream fade with him - that is a part of YOU first and foremost. Believe in yourself, your dreams, andgoodness. Bad thingshappen to good people. You are not alone. Breathe and believe. Advise from another woman years ago that truely still works for me . . . . now its up to you.
- January 1st, 2009, 03:52 pm
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Sassy72_00 Sassy72_00 is offline
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cantbreath, wrote :

On christmas day I kicked my husband of 20 years out. I found out on christmas eve he had been cheating on me. Not in a million years did I think this man would do something that would bring me down so far, i cant breath, Im walking around in a fog, wondering if life will be the same. I was 16 and he 15 when we first started dating it was always an on and off thing, I got preg and after our boy turned a year we were married at 19 and 20. I wanted the fairy tail the 50 year marrige, little white house picket fence. What do I do next and How How do I start to even trust this man again, I cant turn my love for this man off. Someone please help my heart to heal.
Trust is a hard thing to get back once it has been lost. I'm so sorry this happened to you. First and foremost, take care of you. I caught my ex in bed with another woman, in our home. We split, got back together and repeat.


Just remember that this is not your fault. You have done nothing to diserve this. I'm sure he has his reasons, they always do, but none of them can justify how he has hurt you. Again, take care of YOU.


- January 1st, 2009, 07:12 pm
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rarangure rarangure is offline
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cantbreath.....I'm so sorry to hear your pain. While many of us here have been in similar situations, yours is unique to you and your husband. I do agree that counseling would be good, and I would suggest that you do it immediatly for you alone. You need someone who doens't know you or your husband, but can listen to what you have to say, let you vent, advise you, help you build the emotional strength you're going to need to make it through this. An affair is a devestating thing, but it doens't have to be the end of your marriage. But first you need to take care of yourself, so that you are strong and healthy emotionally, so you can talk to him, and be able to get through "words" and straight to the "reality".Many couples have faced this, and with LOTS of work over a LONG period of time, have been able to work through it. But your husband needs to be truly remorseful, and be willing to do the work it's going to take, because it will NOT be easy for him to earn your trust back. And you have to be willing to set your boundaries, and not get sucked back into a situation that is not going to change. I truly think that IF it can be salvaged, it won't happen on your own. You both most DEFINITELY will need a mediator. You have every right to be hurt and to be angry. Talk to someone. Best of luck.
- January 1st, 2009, 08:55 pm
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MissM4Tahoe MissM4Tahoe is offline
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You're starting on the right path ... not trying to go through this alone.


Travelfairy gives you a GREAT list of things to do next.


When you can't breathe, pound pavement (go for a walk) ... if you can go walk someplace where it's okay to talk or even shout out loud, you can really benefit from the tension release!


Get the journal out.Sometimes you'll need a big red marker and the only words you'll be able to write are f y, but there's a lot of healing power in connecting your heart to your hand. I just saw another show about this recently!


(HUG)
- January 1st, 2009, 10:08 pm
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ForPeanut22 ForPeanut22 is offline
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I am always so sorry to see someone in your situation and just over 2 1/2 years ago, I was there. There is some great advice in this thread... Mine would be to take care of YOU! Seek therapy for you and/or both of you if he will go. Find the book, 'Divorce Remedy' or 'Divorce Busting' and visit the site, divorcebusting.com. There are wonderful people on their forums and mine served as my journaling as well. I wish you all the best and please know that you are not alone in this. Marriages can recover after infedelity, it happens all the time, but you will need to get to the point where you can decide if that is what is best for you. It will be a long road but if you put in the work, you will come out the other side with a much greater understanding of yourself.
- January 2nd, 2009, 02:09 am
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I am sooo very sorry for all that you are going thru. I'm going to give you advice that I learned the hard way;from my own person experience. I believe if it's the first and only time that he cheated, your marriage may be salvagable. Otherwise.... I do have 2-3 practical recommendations. If you aren't an atheist, read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." If you want to work things out,havea post-nuptial agreement drawn up- in the event that the marriage can't be saved. Basically it's a divorce decree, "just in case." If he's willing to give you anything you ask for, he wants to work it out. If he wants to bargain, go ahead and play along and do what's best for YOU (and kids if there are any). Lastly,get a GOOD divorce attorney to represent you - ask around; he will be the one to either draw up the post-nupt or to file the divorce (possibly both). Counseling can really help too - either individual or marriage, depending on the route you take. Wishing you luck, strength and peace.
- January 2nd, 2009, 03:44 am
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cantbreath cantbreath is offline
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On the 28th, he came back to the house to talk. I told him that I still loved him and I did not want to throw away 20 years. However, it was going to be hard for me to forgive him and if he is willing to help me and put up with the questioning that, I need to get past this. He said he could not do it, a few choice words were exchanged and he walked back out.

The 30th I came home from work and he met me at the door, (I thought I locked all the doors and took his keys) He said he is ready to talk and do what ever it takes. My heart is saying thank the Lord, my head and gut are saying, “he has won, he broke you down and is picking the pieces up to smash them again”. I feel that I am apart of a STAND BY YOUR MAN group of women, and I do not like the feeling. I am not sure what the future holds for my marriage or me, I do know that I wont go through this again, if I do it will be a very different outcome. Thank you all for the advice, you all have helped me through the most difficult time of my life.


- January 2nd, 2009, 04:09 am
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freeone251 freeone251 is offline
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I understand just a little bit aboutwhere you are coming from. My husband and I got married round about the same age. We as women we get wiser and they regress back to an earlier age. I know it is hard but you must find it in your heart to forgive him but not forget. You must ask yourself some important questions. Do I love him enough to trust him again? Can I live with the thought of him leaving? You must work it out only if you can. Do not think about the children because they will be just fine. I feel it is more miserable to stay if you can't get over what happenedthan to just leave. Know one has to live with him but you. Life is too short and you should be happy. Just remember that the kids (if old enough) they already know what is going on it's written all over your face. When you write back I will let you know my situation. Your happiness is what counts. If you are anything like me this is the man you have loved and trusted from the beginning, and it hurts like HELL!!!!
- January 5th, 2009, 06:38 pm
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sabete2002 sabete2002 is offline
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cantbreath wrote :

On the 28th, he came back to the house to talk. I told him that I still loved him and I did not want to throw away 20 years. However, it was going to be hard for me to forgive him and if he is willing to help me and put up with the questioning that, I need to get past this. He said he could not do it, a few choice words were exchanged and he walked back out.

The 30th I came home from work and he met me at the door, (I thought I locked all the doors and took his keys) He said he is ready to talk and do what ever it takes. My heart is saying thank the Lord, my head and gut are saying, “he has won, he broke you down and is picking the pieces up to smash them again”. I feel that I am apart of a STAND BY YOUR MAN group of women, and I do not like the feeling. I am not sure what the future holds for my marriage or me, I do know that I wont go through this again, if I do it will be a very different outcome. Thank you all for the advice, you all have helped me through the most difficult time of my life.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I was in a similar situation some time ago. At that time, I felt much like you do know - my whole world was ripped apart. Now 8 years on, life is good - better in many respects. There is a better tomorrow so hang in there. Right now, you need to focus on what is good for you. If sticking by your man is not right for you then do what is. He made a choice now it is your turn to choose what you want to do.


Good luck and take care.
- January 5th, 2009, 08:47 pm
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I cheated on my partner of 16years 4 days before i left him. I was 16 when i met him- he was 22. I am now 34. I cheated on him because he broke my heart. He wasn't there for me in my darkest moments (my mum and nan died within4 weeks of each other and he didn't drive 4 hours to be with me because he was getting ready to race motorbikes), it made me realise that he wasn't the one for me and that my heart was broken because he cared more about his motorbikes than me and my family. A year later he told me to deal with it and get over it (the grief of losing my mum on mothers day), and i had been friends with a guy for a while and we clicked and i had an affair the weekend before i left. My partner then he called me some interesting names, and i walked out on financial security, a partner and no money. I could tell our relationship was over, but it was a shock to him that i left. He still doesn't understand why i left, and probably never will.
- January 5th, 2009, 11:52 pm
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