My friend is in a very bad relationship. What do I do?

Hello My close friend is in a very bad relationship (I think it's abusive). She knows it's bad but makes some excuses. She talks about it all the time & I don't know what to say anymore. Her partner is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything & I mean everything. She has just moved in with him & he told all of his friends that "They are just sharing & are not a couple". (I can't believe I'm even writing that!) She does everything for him & he does nothing for her. He treats her very poorly. But he is emotionally manipulative & tells her he loves her & needs her. I love my friend very much but I don't know what to say anymore? She talks about all the bad things he does & tells me how he is ashamed to tell people that he is dating her. In the past I've told her she needs to leave him & I don't like him. I hate him and have nothing positive to say about him. When she talks about all the awful things he does she gets defensive if I say anything that is too negative about him. This has been going on and off for a long time now. She keeps saying she is going to leave him but doesn't. He told her I'm not allowed in there house!! and we have been friends since school. What do I do when my friend starts talking about all the awful things that he says and does? I don't know what advise to give anymore as it doesn't change anything? I don't know how to behave around him because I love her & hate the way he treats her? Thanks

Thank you very much for your responses & wise insightful words. Fortunately it is not a physically abusive relationship (yet) but still mentally abusive which is in its self very damaging. As you said Songryder it will get there though. I agree that it will. As he has anger & control issues and the dynamic of the relationship is moving along that path. Songryder I must say that your observations are correct in all respects. She is connected to him in a really dysfunctional way & her self esteem is very low. It was low before the relationship. (hence she's in this kind of relationship) and now even lower. I agree too that she has chosen this relationship for many dysfunctional reasons and I too believe that she would benefit from talking to someone professionally. I really appreciate your response. Seeing someone else respond in the same way that I have responded to the relationship has helped me immensely. Thank you so much

Thank you very much for your responses & wise insightful words. Fortunately it is not a physically abusive relationship (yet) but still mentally abusive which is in its self very damaging. As you said Songryder it will get there though. I agree that it will. As he has anger & control issues and the dynamic of the relationship is moving along that path. Songryder I must say that your observations are correct in all respects. She is connected to him in a really dysfunctional way & her self esteem is very low. It was low before the relationship. (hence she's in this kind of relationship) and now even lower. I agree too that she has chosen this relationship for many dysfunctional reasons and I too believe that she would benefit from talking to someone professionally. I really appreciate your response. Seeing someone else respond in the same way that I have responded to the relationship has helped me immensely. Thank you so much

I have a best friend that has listened to me for years. I always said I could not understand women who stayed. Then I "ended" up right in the middle of one. I say ended up because the first few years were bliss, Then we moved in together away from my family and friends. He convinced me it was me for years. I was ashamed.





Once I started to open up she was always supportive and till this day she says If I married him or left him she'd support me. She also said if he ever crossed the line she'd kill him. Till this day if I decided to go back she'd shake her head, hug me, laugh and tell me she loves me. She'll come around.





After some counseling with him he never felt he deserved me(because of his own past) and was always scared I'd leave him and he became insecure (even though he was hott and successful) and he helped full fill a self fullfilling prophecy.. too bad for him.





Stay friends.. just create a filter to let what she says go in one ear and out the other most times. After a certain amount of time of hearing it then tell her you're done hearing about him and move on to another topic like a hobby or work or a new adventure you two are planning. That will also make her realize that there is still more to life than him.

I have a best friend that has listened to me for years. I always said I could not understand women who stayed. Then I "ended" up right in the middle of one. I say ended up because the first few years were bliss, Then we moved in together away from my family and friends. He convinced me it was me for years. I was ashamed.





Once I started to open up she was always supportive and till this day she says If I married him or left him she'd support me. She also said if he ever crossed the line she'd kill him. Till this day if I decided to go back she'd shake her head, hug me, laugh and tell me she loves me. She'll come around.





After some counseling with him he never felt he deserved me(because of his own past) and was always scared I'd leave him and he became insecure (even though he was hott and successful) and he helped full fill a self fullfilling prophecy.. too bad for him.





Stay friends.. just create a filter to let what she says go in one ear and out the other most times. After a certain amount of time of hearing it then tell her you're done hearing about him and move on to another topic like a hobby or work or a new adventure you two are planning. That will also make her realize that there is still more to life than him.

The problem is she needs to help herself. There is nothing you can do unless she decides she needs help.


On your end, try doing this. Keep a journal of your observations. This way, if this thing blows up badly, you have records that help you recall everything whether it be legal action, or worse.


You need to be available for your friend. You need to be able to help her on a moments notice, but you cannot force anything because she will just rebuke your efforts if you try. One thing especially to worry about is if you start seeing injuries on her. Do not be afraid to sacrifice the friendship to save her life. If you see signs of physical abuse. Report it and follow through. Be a friend and save her life. She may not thank you later, but she will be alive to hate you.


But listen to her. Even though this guy may seem to be a pig, do not judge him, or her. She needs to know you are there for her and thats the important part. Hopefully, in time, she will get the strength up with you helping to truly leave him. Give her what she needs, but as i said, do not force it, let it come to her at her own pace.


At at some point, you may need to give up and let her live her life. Be there for her. Thats the best advice.