Mixed Messages: A Surefire way to Doom a Young Relationship

Mixed Messages: A Surefire way to Doom a Young Relationship

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Mixed Messages: A Surefire way to Doom a Young Relationship


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sessy1111 is offline sessy1111 Post #11  February 2,2009, 7:54pm
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I did sumthing super stupid with my new relationship. We'd been having a bad patch cause he had been an ass one week and it scared me off and so I think because I got scared I told him i only saw him as a friend and that I was still in love with my ex. but now thinking about it Im not in love with my ex. I think its just that my new relationship was headed into the same really great place of luv and stuff and then he was this ass and so I think it was more a longing for what I had had. and I didn't see him as my friend simply was scared of thinking of him more because of how he had treated me. does that makes sense. my new relationship still wants to give it ago but I feel so bad for what I said to him.
 
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SimonBM is offline SimonBM Post #12  February 2,2009, 11:57pm
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Have to say that I am not a fan of ex's playing a big role in a partners life. Also not a fan of FB's hanging around. An ex of mine had a recent fb who just wouldnt disappear... and she did nothing to discourage it. Once I found out that they were emailing, meeting for breakfast (arranged around times I had my son), then the relationship was in peril... despite her later assurances that there was nothing going on. I said .. if he is just a friend... then I'm happy to be introduced to him. Of course that never happened.


I think the 'Introduce me to them' is a good acid test to confirm if indeed they are just platonic. If they can't do that... then they are hiding the extent of the relationship and I wouldn't even waste my time on them, because they aren't treating you with respect.


As for 1 on 1 dinners... wouldn't a partner rather do that with the man she is seeing? Making dinner dates at nice restaurants with an ex... either she is completely insensitive or completely stupid... either characteristic is hardly one I would want in a partner.


As for me, I do have a partner that I love and trust. She does have an ex who occasionally emails and calls. She does tell me when this happens. As much as it would be utopia, I don't pretend that she hasn't had a past, but they are ex's for a reason, and I have had to learn to park my insecurities.Trust until given a reason not to.
 
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cheekyoziechick is offline cheekyoziechick Post #13  February 3,2009, 1:04am
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eHarmony is right on the money. I just want to comment about sending mixed messages about the ex. There cannot be three in a relationship. If your partner is on the phone to his ex and meeting up for coffee or having drinks at the club, then the relationship is still not over. My ex still has his ex in his life but says she is just a friend. It got clostraphobic..so I got out! My advice to men...when the relationship is over then make sure it is over or your new partner will always be in doubt and it will eventually harm the new relationship.
 
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Lion is offline Lion Post #14  February 3,2009, 6:28am
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MargaretMason,413005 wrote :

itsbits, I respectfully disagree with your advice that people should "get rid of yours ex's [sic] if you really want a strong relationship." I am extremely close with one of my ex-boyfriends, to the point that he would certainly be invited to my wedding were I to get married. You have to let someone do something untrustworthy to not trust them with good reason, and having a friendship with someone who was once a lover is simply not grounds to distrust someone. That you felt that you would "lose" if you offered him an ultimatum is nothing to do with him; perhaps it would be just as fair to examine why you would feel the need to offer up such an ultimatum in the first place. If you have a respectful romantic relationship with someone, and neither person doe anything "wrong," per se, it's just not in the stars for it to last, there's no reason you shouldn't become friends again after you've healed.
Margaret - ex's are ex's for a good reason. Perhaps you are too insecure about yourself to really let go of an ex and move on.
 
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Lion is offline Lion Post #15  February 3,2009, 6:33am
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cheekyoziechick,468406 wrote :

eHarmony is right on the money. I just want to comment about sending mixed messages about the ex. There cannot be three in a relationship. If your partner is on the phone to his ex and meeting up for coffee or having drinks at the club, then the relationship is still not over. My ex still has his ex in his life but says she is just a friend. It got clostraphobic..so I got out! My advice to men...when the relationship is over then make sure it is over or your new partner will always be in doubt and it will eventually harm the new relationship.
absolutely on the money! my wife still emails, callsand MSN chats with her ex boyfiend every day. I like yiou got smothered by the 2 of them and he (the ex) damaged my marrige beyond repair constantly interefering and giving his opinion of how I should deal with the situation and she stood by and let it happen! without defending me!


Naturally I divorced her. AS far as I know now she is back with him - the ex!
 
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pinake is offline pinake Post #16  February 3,2009, 9:45am
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eharmony is right about mixed massages.specially when the relationship is in building position. when partner knows each other very well it does'nt effect that much as it effects in young stage.
 
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michigancutie75 is offline michigancutie75 Post #17  February 3,2009, 3:13pm
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I think if your in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about anything and everything. That person should respect your feelings and want to listen to your needs and love you for who you are. If your keeping secrets no good can come from it. In the end they always find out and your stuck with egg on your face.
 
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lifeandsoul is offline lifeandsoul Post #18  February 5,2009, 2:42am
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WOW this is right on the money... As an 40 year old, I've found that life has thrown a few more curve balls at us oldess. We all have been hert one way or another, but if we don't let go of the fear of it happening again we will miss out on so much, as the next could be the one.. We all young and old need to let go of the hert(not forget), before we try to move on to the next, how ever long that takes... trust yourself and don't let them, that have hert you win any more then they think they have aready. Free your heart and soul of the pain and hert and you will find happieness when you lest expect it... You get what you give and if you don't then it's not right and so move on.. Lifes to short to be unhappy..
 
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agape3 is offline agape3 Post #19  March 9,2009, 12:45am
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2HDDragon,426411 wrote :

Mixed messeges shouldn't be digested as mis-interpreted?


I agree with (Maargaret) below, about exs in our lives. If your divorced, snd hsve children together then they are "OUR" children, and the exs, either an ex-wife or ex-husband should put the past behind and seek a common ground and you will be amazed at the way the children respect both parents for being on friendly terms.


My ex-girlfriend gave me a ride to pick up my daughters for a weekend after dating for several weeks, and after that day, the relationship was in termoil. The calls were less, trying to make plans turned into excuses why getting together for dinner, or plans for holidays got cancled, and then...the break up email on Christmas eve stating how my daughters were "baggage" and would only get in the way of our relationship...


Well, after the pain, and the shock, I told her goodbye, and never to contact me again, since my daughters will always come first, I just wanted her to be a part of my life with my daughters when they visit from out of state. Financialy I pay support for two daughters, and not rich enough to meet her Rich parents who own 4 houses , and was an embarressment to her.


I rather be poor paying child support for my daughters, knowing they will have a life better than I have growing up.. I am also working full time, and paying my way thru college and 14 months away from a BA.


My life is rich spiritually, and for my ex girlfriend, she will be poor and lonely for not knowing that, and I will continue to enjoy my daughters till I grow old and hold my grand children, tell jokes with my exwife and her new husband. As for me, time will keep moving forward,


Final thoughts, 3 sides to every story, yours , mine, and the truth. as for the truth, yo be the judge.


Stay well,

That's unfortunate that someone would say and feel that children are baggage.


Kids are beautiful gifts to all of us around the world.


I hope you find someone that respects you as a caring committed father and has a heart for your kids and supports your relationship.


That's not too much to ask for.
 
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CHello is offline CHello Post #20  March 16,2009, 8:36am
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Hi, I'm looking for some help. I met someone on eharrmony. The date went great. For two weeks we planned how he was coming back to Chicago to visit. He asked me when I wanted to see him, I told him as much as we can since I knew he had to return to Iowa Monday.


Friday night he showed up I made dinner we talked and hung around with my children home. He left about 10:30 I called him to make sure he knew how to get to the Hotel ok. I asked him what were we going to do tomorrow. He told me maybe I could come downtown, but he had to meet with his friend at 6 p.m that just lost his job and his leg and he couldn't disappoint him. I finally heard from him @ 4p.m Sun night he was already back in IOWA. He knew I was going in for surgery on Monday. From Sun to Tue. of last week I received 4 phone calls. "Hi, I hope you have a nice sat and sun....."


Why do people do things like this or am I just over sensitive. I closed the match yesterday. In my head I'm just not interested in the games.


What do you think? I would really appreciate the input
 
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