should i leave him or wait?


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Julie116 is offline Julie116 Post #11  December 2,2008, 5:35pm
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cp30,366929 wrote :

sounds like maybe you have been together since high school? sounds like a legitamate concern for him to be confused....and he sounds like he values you, and knows that maybe its just him...not you...maybe he needs a little space and time. Maybe you do too? Things change soooo much between 18 and 22.


Give him space....take some for yourself....don't let him treat you that way for a year (wishy washy) but give a month or a few to see how you really feel about each other. I guarentee he will miss you, but you need to walk away first.


It might still not work out.....be prepared for anything, either way realize that a little space for yourself might be good for you too.
Time to leave. Never turn around.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #12  December 2,2008, 6:08pm
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adorry, wrote :

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. It has been a pretty good relationship, we have had our ups and downs. Currently we are still in college thought. About two months ago he sat me down and told me he didn't see a future with me. This was out of no where, we had been arguing, but I was not asking him to commit. Anyway he told me this and we have still managed to stay together he said he still loves me just doesn't see a future. Then a few days ago I asked him if he still felt the same he said at the moment he felt the same way. Then I said that I shouldnt just sit around waiting for him and he asked me to wait. To give him two weeks to think about everything. He said he loves me and maybe he is just afraid of commitment. Should I wait for him and give him a few weeks to really think? or should I just leave him and try to move on. Please I need all the advice I can get.
Clearly, you are at a crossroads with this guy. 31/2 years is a lot of years to go through to have someone sit you down and say there's no future. This is information you could have used the first 6 months.


You were right to tell him you weren't gonna sit around and wait for him to get off the fence. As hard as this is and I really feel for you here, he needs to leave and think about it. You guys need some clear space for awhile for him to really know whether he wants to be with you long term. Two weeks isn't gonna do it I'm afraid. He's already decided and even though he still loves you, it's not gonna fix the way he feels because he needs time away from you to either really miss you and realize he wants to spend his life with you or move on. He's given you no choice but to do the same cause you can't yoyo around with your future having him bounce around wondering and I'm sure you know this.


If and when he leaves you need to cut off communication with him for at least a few months and decompress and think about your own future. No contact and he needs to be clear about that, even both of you get horny. Sex isn't gonna make this better, it'll just remind you how much it hurts. Leave each other alone and then see how you both feel after a certain amount of time.


Good luck.
 
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ice_in_ur_shorts is offline ice_in_ur_shorts Post #13  December 2,2008, 6:27pm
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Two weeks is nothing. The question is,do you want him, or are you just used to being with him? Your opinion is more important than his anyway because it is your opinion. What good is his opinion to you, when in fact, he doesn't even have one yet?
 
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ice_in_ur_shorts is offline ice_in_ur_shorts Post #14  December 2,2008, 6:30pm
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I take that back. He does have an opinion. You just haven'taccepted it. Move on. Next!
 
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lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #15  December 2,2008, 8:07pm
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Dafearon,366944 wrote :

It sounds liike you are about 21 or 22. High School swwethearts?


Not to sound mean or anything, but I know very few relationships that have started in high school and lasted the test of time. My generation of high school is the late 80s, early 90s (graduated in 90). I know no one from high school who dated, got married, and are STILL married.


I'm not saying that they don't happen, but so much life occurs in college. So much life occurs in the first years of your career. For a 21 year old to see "happily ever after" means that life is done and given everything that it has to offer. That just doesn't happen. Its hard for ANY 21 year old to see his future with someone. Its just too soon. You aren't even sure what you're going to do after college. You don't know what kind of job you're going to get. You don't know where you'll live. There is so much uncertainty at that age that for anything written in stone for life at that age, is not really a reality, but a dream. You could be that one he will be with for the rest of his life. But he has to find that out for himself. That means you have to love him enough to let him go and let him find out that you are the love of his life. It also means that he has to let you go to find out that he is the love of your life with no certainty that either of you will end up with each other. Thats how you know when you're destined to be with someone. When you've looked, you've experienced and you return to that one, THATS when you know.
Dafearon....I have to disagree with you because I know of lots of relationships that started in high school and so far have lasted the test of time and I graduated 3 years before you so we are in the same group (especially since some of them were from classmates that were younger than me).


Ok, having said that part those friends that did start in high school or shortly after did have times when they separated for a while. For example, my brother and sister-in-law, they broke up a couple of times during their 7 years of dating. One time was when my brother did not see things as being long term and a second time when my sister-in-law was in question. They got back together and will be celebrating their 20 year anniversary in April. I have several friends who will be celebrating between 12-18 years marriage as well.


I cannot say that this will happen with the OP but it does happen. As someone else said, sometimes you have to let them go in order to know.


Good Luck - I say take a break and let him decide what he really wants. You never know you might discover that you want to go on without him.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #16  December 2,2008, 9:45pm
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Adorry, I went through the exact same thing toward the end of college.


I was in an excellent 3 1/2 year relationship. My girlfriend asked me at that point if I thought that we'd end up getting married & without thinking I said "I don't know!"


Through the first 3 years, my answer would have been a resounding yes. I shocked myself when I answered that way.....but something had changed. No fighting or anything.


Right after I said that, I thought about it & my answer was extremely honest.


The fact that I even had doubts told me & her that we should separate.


WE DID THE RIGHT THING. Since then, I have met a few women that would suit me better.


We got along together very well in every way & our breakup shocked both of our families.


After 3 1/2 years, you both should have no doubts at all that you have a future. Seeing that he has them, Leave now.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #17  December 2,2008, 9:48pm
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I don't like the letting him think idea.


That seems that he'd be thinking if he wants to live WITHOUT HER.


He should be enthusiastically wanting to live WITH HER.
 
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zenmerlin is offline zenmerlin Post #18  December 3,2008, 8:58am
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Alright Adorry here is the deal.
At this point and time it is up to you[/b] to figure out what it is that you[/b] want. Whenever I have a major life changing decision to make I get a blank pad of paper, create two columns in this case Column A should read: why should I stay with my boyfriend. And column B should read: Why should I leave my boyfriend. Whatever comes to mind will go into Column A or B and at some point and time a clear answer will develop. A lot of emotions will come up and it may take a long time to get a clear answer but you will.
I think that it is important for you to figure out what it is that you want regardless of what your boyfriend wants. You may both come to the same decision or you may not agree. If he is open to it have him do the same process.
Breaking up really blows but being in the wrong relationship blows chunks.
Good luck.
 
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rarangure is offline rarangure Post #19  December 3,2008, 3:33pm
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Give him time to think...time AWAY. That means no sleeping together, nothing physical. Be there for him as his friend, don't judge him, but don't let him feel like he can have all the benefits with no commitment.


If he decides you ARE what he wants, and you still feel at that time that he's what YOU want, then ask for a commitment. 3 1/2 years is long enough to move to the next level. What you dont' want to do is let him have time to think, get back together but with no real plan/commitment, then go another 3 1/2 years and have it happen again.


I'm betting he's scared, but when he sees that you'll let him have his space, without being angry at him, but then want something definite, he'll be more open to it, because you don't freak out, threaten, yell, etc. You do as he wishes.


But then again, I AM on a dating site because I'm obviously single, so what do I know, right?
 
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Immerito is offline Immerito Post #20  December 3,2008, 7:27pm
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adorry, wrote :

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. It has been a pretty good relationship, we have had our ups and downs. Currently we are still in college thought. About two months ago he sat me down and told me he didn't see a future with me. This was out of no where, we had been arguing, but I was not asking him to commit. Anyway he told me this and we have still managed to stay together he said he still loves me just doesn't see a future. Then a few days ago I asked him if he still felt the same he said at the moment he felt the same way. Then I said that I shouldnt just sit around waiting for him and he asked me to wait. To give him two weeks to think about everything. He said he loves me and maybe he is just afraid of commitment. Should I wait for him and give him a few weeks to really think? or should I just leave him and try to move on. Please I need all the advice I can get.
Leave him. He's made it clear he is not ready to commit. The "I need two weeks to think about this" sounds like a ruse.


Love doesn't behave the way he is behaving. Move on.
 
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