otgsgirl is offline otgsgirl Post #1  November 14,2008, 7:43am
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I have been with my Man for almost 4 years now. He is good to me (& my children), he is always there for me when I need him. He is VERY supportive. He is an all around good guy. My problem is this: He has neverbeen in any other relationships before, he has lots of commitment issues & we have yet to goto the next step.He has NEVER told me he loves me (when I tell him I do he makes this ho-hum noise) I have yet to meet his Family (which understandably so I know a great deal about & he's not real close to them) Although I am not real close with mine & he has met them a few times. We don't live together & there aren't any plans in the near future to do so. I know he chats w/ other women on the computer. I am ok w/ that. As long as it's just that. chatting. I don't know if I should be ok w/ that?!?! He tells my girls he loves them & my oldest daughter & him are really close. He would do ANYTHING for them. I love him so much & there isn't anyone else in the world I'd rather be w/. I guess because I am getting alittle bitolder (mid thirties) I'd really like to have a settled established relationship in my life & feel comfortable knowing that the person I am with feels the same & isn't gonna go anywhere either. I don't know that for sure & it makes me crazy! In my heart I feel like this is it. In my head I feel like I'm trying to win a losing battle. I'm confused. What would you do?
 
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shopgirl1969 is offline shopgirl1969 Post #2  November 14,2008, 8:08am
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otgsgirl, wrote :

I have been with my Man for almost 4 years now. He is good to me (& my children), he is always there for me when I need him. He is VERY supportive. He is an all around good guy. My problem is this: He has neverbeen in any other relationships before, he has lots of commitment issues & we have yet to goto the next step.He has NEVER told me he loves me (when I tell him I do he makes this ho-hum noise) I have yet to meet his Family (which understandably so I know a great deal about & he's not real close to them) Although I am not real close with mine & he has met them a few times. We don't live together & there aren't any plans in the near future to do so. I know he chats w/ other women on the computer. I am ok w/ that. As long as it's just that. chatting. I don't know if I should be ok w/ that?!?! He tells my girls he loves them & my oldest daughter & him are really close. He would do ANYTHING for them. I love him so much & there isn't anyone else in the world I'd rather be w/. I guess because I am getting alittle bitolder (mid thirties) I'd really like to have a settled established relationship in my life & feel comfortable knowing that the person I am with feels the same & isn't gonna go anywhere either. I don't know that for sure & it makes me crazy! In my heart I feel like this is it. In my head I feel like I'm trying to win a losing battle. I'm confused. What would you do?
I just signed on to this thing to give you advise.LOL. which in fact I need advise myself. However, I was on the path that you are treading.


You need to talk talking to men on line. Find your match. A good man you have yes. Kids are so important.


He is a great friend to you and your children. That is all. Yes, benefits. But not your soul mate. You need to hear I LOVE U from the soul. A man that you know in your heart that 30 maybe 40 years from now you will die of a broken heart. And that your life was on the path to a binding endless love. You can break this pattern your own. You need to my friend. Life is too too short. The family thing is the key. You have kids from another marriage. His family is old school. maybe. Or he feels this is not going to go anyfurther so why bother. Well, what ever the reason is. I wish you the best and your children. They deserve it.
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #3  November 14,2008, 8:24am
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Four year's is plenty of time for grown adult man to know what he wants out of a relationship with someone. I doubt things are going to change for him so you need to decide independently of him what it is that you want. And if he can't give this to you then you need to walk away and free yourself up for someone that could give you the relationship you desire. Frankly, it would be completely unacceptable for my man to be chatting it up with a woman online. It sounds like you have a friendship with this man, not the love of your life. It confuses me when people say that their heart says one thing and their head says another. What part of your heart thinks that he is it and how did you come to this conclusion. Again, it sounds like you have little more than a close friend.
 
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JAZZYJO is offline JAZZYJO Post #4  November 14,2008, 8:25am

hey mister- throw me something!

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otgsgirl, wrote :

I have been with my Man for almost 4 years now. He is good to me (& my children), he is always there for me when I need him. He is VERY supportive. He is an all around good guy. My problem is this: He has neverbeen in any other relationships before, he has lots of commitment issues & we have yet to goto the next step.He has NEVER told me he loves me (when I tell him I do he makes this ho-hum noise) I have yet to meet his Family (which understandably so I know a great deal about & he's not real close to them) Although I am not real close with mine & he has met them a few times. We don't live together & there aren't any plans in the near future to do so. I know he chats w/ other women on the computer. I am ok w/ that. As long as it's just that. chatting. I don't know if I should be ok w/ that?!?! He tells my girls he loves them & my oldest daughter & him are really close. He would do ANYTHING for them. I love him so much & there isn't anyone else in the world I'd rather be w/. I guess because I am getting alittle bitolder (mid thirties) I'd really like to have a settled established relationship in my life & feel comfortable knowing that the person I am with feels the same & isn't gonna go anywhere either. I don't know that for sure & it makes me crazy! In my heart I feel like this is it. In my head I feel like I'm trying to win a losing battle. I'm confused. What would you do?
oh boy this is a tough one. Some things that pop out at me though.


He can tell your children that he loves them but not you , to me this screams commitement issues, and in my humble opinion 4 years is long enough to know if he wants the relationship or not.


While some women would be completely happy with a man who doesnt live with them but is a good to them as he seems to be to you , I suspect that you are not. You want commitement, marriage, home and that is perfectly ok, unfortunately I dont think you are going to find it with him. I would not be comfortable at all if my boyfriend talked to other women over the internet, inless they were absolutely just friends. This behavior seems to go along with the non-commitement issues, if he commites to you , he has to give up that.


I think as much as you hate to do it, you have to choose between do you love him enough to continue the relationship in this manner ( cuz I dont think , its going any futher) , or do you love the idea of marrage and family more. If you like marrage and family more then I wouldtell him thatI love him dearly and 100% wish to remain his friend but that I needed a more committed relationship and more on. This is not going to be easy because you are in love with the man and you will have to walk though the pain. Dont say it , if you dont mean it though. If you are not strong enough to walk away , dont play silly games just to see what he will do, because its not going to be what you would have wished forI'm afraid.


It seems he has a friend with benifits , remove the benifits , keep the friendship , and find someone else who can give you completely what you are looking for. Most people do wish for acommitted relationship at some point. I dont think he is ever going to the next step.
 
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otgsgirl is offline otgsgirl Post #5  November 14,2008, 8:38am
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Thank You Ladies! For your advice.He told me once (about a year ago) that he wouldn't want to lose me or lose me to anyone else. AND that he would never do anything behind my back because he knows it would hurt me. He says that they are just his friends that he talks to& he never meets them or anything. (He refers to them as his "internet people") Yet in my mind I think-how would I know? I have in the past tried to walk away...I found myself missing him like crazy & him blowing up my phone & e-mail.
 
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WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #6  November 14,2008, 8:45am
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4 years! Wow, you've got the patience of a saint!


You have to tell him that you love him and can see a future with him in it, but under different circumstances that exist today. These circumstances include a deeper connection and an alignment of your respective future life vision. You have concerns that there is a growing gap between yours and his. If he respects you, he will provide his and work with you to narrow the gap between the two. Good luck.
 
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JAZZYJO is offline JAZZYJO Post #7  November 14,2008, 9:18am

hey mister- throw me something!

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otgsgirl,342483 wrote :

Thank You Ladies! For your advice.He told me once (about a year ago) that he wouldn't want to lose me or lose me to anyone else. AND that he would never do anything behind my back because he knows it would hurt me. He says that they are just his friends that he talks to& he never meets them or anything. (He refers to them as his "internet people") Yet in my mind I think-how would I know? I have in the past tried to walk away...I found myself missing him like crazy & him blowing up my phone & e-mail.
yeah and that " how will I know" will eat you like a worm. Here's a little tip if you decide to break it off- change is id in your cell phone from his name to " dont you f%$#^ing dare answer this lol .You are going to miss him, thats a given. I hate ultimatums ( they rarely dont go the way we want them to ) but I think I would give him a ultimatum and some kinda time line. See what he does. I have to say this guy sounds like a really nice, honest guy though, who knows maybe he just needs a gental push. I know the guys are going to get me for this one lol.
 
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soosassy is offline soosassy Post #8  November 14,2008, 10:53am
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I think you should come right out and ask him how he feels. What's the matter with that? After dating him for 4 years he should know whether he sees you in his future or not - so make sure he gives you a strait answer. If he doesn't want to talk about it or beats around the answer I believe it is time to kick him to the curb. Your time is precious so try not to waste any. There are plenty of men out there.
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #9  November 14,2008, 11:01am
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You need to begin to back away from this relationship a little and give yourself some time to make a decision. How much time do you spend together in a week? Ifto much you need to focus more on yourself? Is it always at your house or is it at his to? Do you know his friends?You could start by telling him you want to meet his family at the holidays? Or does he spend the holidays with you and your children?


Four years is long enough for a man to know/make a decision. Is he younger than you alot -by any chance? You have to be willing to walk away a little from this-are you ready to tell him that if you relationship is not moving towards marriage-that you think that you both should date other people?
 
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metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #10  November 14,2008, 11:43am
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Could your guy be more interested in being a father than a husband?If he had already told you that he loved you, then I wouldn't be too concerned about his internet chats w/ women. But since he hasn't said so yet, this isa warning flag for me. Does he show you that he loves you in other ways? Is your sex life ok?How does he act w/ his women co-workers or friends (real ones, not internet ones)? These things should tell you if he is looking for a woman in his life, or just wants to be part of a family.
 
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