How can I stay with her? Should I?


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gntlemanartist is offline gntlemanartist Post #1  October 29,2008, 12:45pm
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Here's my situation: I've been dating a woman for the last two years, we became engaged in August and I was really hoping that she would be the one for me but then recent developments have made me question this.


She's a graduate student and I understand how difficult and stressful this can be - almost my entire family have graduate or post-graduate degrees - but she has work and personal habits that make this more difficult than it needs to be. She's a procrastinator who puts off her work until it becomes a crisis situation, then overworks herself trying to get everything done and often ends up physically and emotionally draining herself and our relationship suffers as a result. I've spoken to her many times about this but she insists that this is her method and that i shouldn't try to change her. However, the stress sometimes becomes so great that she becomes completely overwhelmed and this has resulted in several psychotic breaks, depression and suicide threats. She feels like she wants to escape her life completely, including me. She did this two days ago, it was her third such episode, and I'm just so tired of it that I feel like I want to leave her. Another factor that certainly contributes is a past abusive relationship, which I helped her to get out of, but which she has also never sought any kind of psychological mediation for. I see many ways in which echoes of this arise in our current relationship (nightmares, jealousy, abandonment issues etc.) but I was glad to try and help her through them because I loved her but it's gotten to the point where I really don't want or need this kind of irrationality in my life, every time something like this (or other bouts of irrational anger, depression or jealous suspicion) happens it's slowly killing my love for her. It would have been different if she had actually taken some steps to address these issues over a year ago, but she doesn't trust psychologists. It's gotten so bad I hardly felt anything, even when I was calling emergency services.


At the same time I feel like an a**hole for wanting to leave someone who is clearly sick. After this last suicide "attempt" she sounds like she's finally considering getting treatment, something I had advocated a long time ago but which she never acted upon. She tells me that she doesn't want to do it unless she has me there to support her but it feels to me like it's just too late, I don't have the love and devotion to give anymore that I had to get me through the previous hard times. I feel taken-advantage-of and used. I believe that my mental health is my own responsibility and her's belongs to her. She should want to be healed for her own sake, regardless of me, and making me essentially the only thing that would motivate her to get treatment is not a burden or a mantle that I want to accept. Maybe she's unable to help herself and needs some support in order to follow through, but it's support that I don't feel like I can give. I've been giving 110% to this relationship for so long to make up the deficiencies that she's allowed to grow that I don't think I have it in me anymore.


Here's the biggest problem: I don't even know right now that even if she does get better that I would still want to marry her. I feel like it wouldn't be enough to bridge that gap that her actions have created.


We've had so many good things and shared so much and I try not to lose sight of all of that, but I can't have a whole relationship with half a person. It feels like the girl I gave that ring to is not the one who is wearing it right now. I proposed to her during a pretty stable time and I had hoped that it would promote that greater stability in our lives but everything has gone completely off the rails within the last four weeks.


Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? What did you do?
 
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nebethet is offline nebethet Post #2  October 29,2008, 1:10pm
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Bi-polar disorder perhaps? Mood swings, bursts of energy... If you think that girl you proposed to is still there, how about couples counsiling. Such a thing never hurts before getting married. If you go together it may help sway her to the idea. It might help you too, to resolve your concerns about still wanting to marry her. Whichever way you choose to stay or go you'd have more insight behind the decision.


Maybe this is poor advice but I've always felt I'd rather be alone/single, than become miserable together.


Good luck to you.
 
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Mowsa is offline Mowsa Post #3  October 29,2008, 2:24pm

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gntlemanartist, wrote :

Here's the biggest problem: I don't even know right now that even if she does get better that I would still want to marry her. I feel like it wouldn't be enough to bridge that gap that her actions have created.

I think its natural to build a wall over time with someone that you're describing. My situation was a bit different than yours, but I still built awall. Sometimes love just dies when you give and give and never get much in return. You're right. You can't fix her, she needs to fix herself. The damage to your relationship is done. How much more of your life and energy are you willing to invest in her? Do you love her enough anymore to stay? If you're burned out, you're burned out. Take a break and see if your feelings return. That will also give her time to prove that she's willing to follow through and make the changes she needs to make for herself and your relationship. If she can't or won't, you'll have to move on. I'm not sure its your place to hold her handthrough counseling. Haven't you been doing that all along?


I'm sure you'll get some better advice from others on this board, but that's my 2 cents.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #4  October 29,2008, 2:30pm

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okay I feel for you...but...


4 weeks? The way you wrote it sounded more like a couple of years this has been going on. I hope you would give it more than 4 weeks. Marriage is of course for better or worse, sickness and health....


Have you ever been to grad school? I have....it can be intensley hard and I'd be real annoyed if my boyfriend tried to tell me how to get my work done and told me I was procrastinating. Do you really know what her work load is like? Do you know how hard it might be? I was 100% focused on school when I was in and I rarely finished my projects before the due date....most of us worked together and finished right on time, but never a minute sooner...


My grad student friends and I had a real bond....we knew what the others were going through. I often wondered how at the end of the year the men even related to their wives anymore... I felt I truly knew them better than they must at that point....we were all so focused on the same thing ...so much engergy...so much WORK.. We had a real bond. I ended up breakin up with my boyfriend at the time because he never tried to understand what my life was like at that time.....he just didn't "get it" or even try to. He was a good guy too....but he demonstrated such self-absorbd-ed-ness at that tiem I felt it was best to let him go.


Grad school is temporary.....but if you can't get through that together what about childbirth?


Yes she does sound unstable....the whole suicide thing is disturbing. But I just have to ask how much you have tried to understand her situation....and how much you have tried to control the situation (urging her to get counseling, telling her how to do her work....) she could be reacting to your attitude. Just a thought....


Maybe its time for a break. Just be honest with her how you feel. I just hope you try to see her pesrspective a little more first. There might be more to her side of the story than you are seeing.
 
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lwhc60 is offline lwhc60 Post #5  October 29,2008, 3:04pm
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Without prejudice or being judgemental...


Never ever marry someone to help them. You can help all the people you like with whatever problems they have, just keep them as friends. The one you marry needs to be a whole person without mental problems and emotional baggage that has not been dealt with. Marriage is a two way street where each person brings something to the relationship to give to the other in order to meet their needs. Both people in the relationship need to do this to create a happy and fulfilled marriage.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  October 29,2008, 4:19pm
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Admist all the stress she has to deal with, she has to understand the bigger picture, and the effect that her behavior is having on you. If she refuses to deal with this situation, then you have to really question whether she will deal with similar conflicts the same way in the future once you tie the knot.


I've always had this mantra that I will not marry a woman until I've seen her at her worst and know if I can deal with it. Looks like you're seeing her at her worst.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #7  October 29,2008, 5:23pm
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gntlemanartist, wrote :

She's a graduate student and I understand how difficult and stressful this can be - almost my entire family have graduate or post-graduate degrees - but she has work and personal habits that make this more difficult than it needs to be. She's a procrastinator who puts off her work until it becomes a crisis situation, then overworks herself trying to get everything done and often ends up physically and emotionally draining herself and our relationship suffers as a result. I've spoken to her many times about this but she insists that this is her method and that i shouldn't try to change her. However, the stress sometimes becomes so great that she becomes completely overwhelmed and this has resulted in several psychotic breaks, depression and suicide threats.
Procrastination is one thing. Psychotic breaks, depression and suicide threats are another. If this was about procrastination, then yeah, she has a right to whatever study methods work for her. But in this case a) the study method isn't exactly 'working' and b) she is endangering her emotional stability as well as yours.


I say you need to take care of yourself. She is responsible for her own behavior. If her procrastination is causing this amount of emotional upheaval for her, she needs to find a way to deal with it. If you constantly ride in to rescue her, she'll never learn to take responsibility for herself.


I would say don't necessarily make any permanent decisions right now, but do get some distance. If the prospect of losing you helps her get to a point where she deals with her issues, great. But if nothing changes, move on.
 
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sarcasticpsycho is offline sarcasticpsycho Post #8  October 29,2008, 5:51pm
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Speaking from recent experience if you have to keep asking the same question trying toget a different answer- other than the one you know is right - you will keep beating your head against that brick wall and still come to the same conclusion that you are not happy. You will never be able to change that person and it will get worse for you. Its a very sad thought to be without this person but time heals all wounds- good luck
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #9  October 30,2008, 7:00am
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I'll make it simple. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, an equal partnership. If you have ANY doubts, don't do it.


"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over againand expecting different results" -Albert Einstein
 
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lunamadness is offline lunamadness Post #10  October 30,2008, 7:41am
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What I love about this is that you at least try to talk to her about what is bothering you. I commend you for that. If she is telling you that this is "her way", then she is probably not going to change. The only way I can see to put a little dent in this problem is to give her an ultimatum, after telling her that you are doing everything you can to be by her side, but what she is doing is driving you crazy. Suggest to her to go to a psychologist, or to go to someone to talk to. She obviously has problems from suffering from the abuse, and NEEDS HELP. Don't just leave her on the spot, because that will scar her for life (trust me, I know). Sit her down, at a time when she is calm, and explain what you are going through. Explain that you would like her to go to a doctor, and to make it better, tell her you will be there to support her and be with her at the visits. I hope this helps. keep me posted!





The only other thing is...If you are having doubts, there is a reason, and if she does not agree to do this for not only you, but for her and your relationship, then it is time to let her go gently.
 
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