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AnEarForYou AnEarForYou is offline
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nebethet wrote :

Marriage is up to the individuals. It is important for me but I realise there is no need for everyone to feel that way. My uncle has been in love with and living with a woman (who I consider my aunt) for probably 20 years. Both had been married previously and divorced. They do not feel a need to get married again but they will live together always. Illinois does not have common law marriage but they would be considered that way if it did.


To those who do not feel anything special about the idea of 'marriage' then my initial questions are rather moot. :P
nebethet, though you seem already decided on this issue, I will add my two cents anyway. I had all the same questions before moving in with my current boyfriend — we are not married or engaged. I had a number of people on EHA advise me not to, but to me it felt right and is working out splendidly. I will say though, it took a GREAT DEAL OF FAITH in my partner's commitment to me (minus a piece of paper or a ring) to give up some stuff, some independence, and pretty much all privacy. It was a long road getting there, but now that I have, I've never been happier. AND I'm so glad to know that our styles of living ARE compatible. I'd hate to go into a marriage wondering if I'll be clean enough for him or if we will smother each other. I'm sorry to see no one answered your question about whether they'd be upset if their SO didn't want to move in with them before marriage. I could see how some men might even view that as the girl putting extra pressure on him to propose.
- October 30th, 2008, 11:53 am
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Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.
- October 30th, 2008, 12:05 pm
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Soready wrote :

abnoba wrote :


tbesq wrote :


To preface my comment, I am divorced. But being married makes more sense if you're trying to have children. Aside from the religious significance of being married with no plans to have children, I can understand why many people feel it's unnecessary.


Many states are, I understand, moving to adopt legislation that protects the rights of children in the event that a "common law" couple separate. Really, whether one has a license or no license the kids tend to get hurt when adults separate.


The State's interest in marriage is prety simple: property and the welfare of kids. Both can be addressed in traditonal and non traditional ways of living together.


So really the only good reason to get married is because it has some emotional or religious value for yourelf. Without this: there is no point in getting married.


Just in case there is some doubt in some of the readers minds: I am not saying that no one should get married. I know that many are wedded so to speak to the idea or marriage and especially the whole ceremony thing. But there are many women and men like myself who do not see any good reason to get married. It is just a paper and we don't need it to commit to each other,


Marriage is really much more than "just a paper".
For you. Not for all of us.
- October 30th, 2008, 12:17 pm
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cynamon68 wrote :

Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.
So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?
- October 30th, 2008, 12:22 pm
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whysoserious wrote :

cynamon68 wrote :


Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.


So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?
Marital commitment is more than legal...it is also moral, it is psychological, it is emotional, it is spiritual. Merely living together is playing house. You really don't get the full impact of marital commitment. And yes, if he were to leave me for reasons other than abuse and adultry, he should have to deal with the consequences of divorce. Which, by the way is not punishment.
- October 30th, 2008, 01:28 pm
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cynamon68 wrote :

whysoserious wrote :


cynamon68 wrote :


Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.


So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?


Marital commitment is more than legal...it is also moral, it is psychological, it is emotional, it is spiritual. Merely living together is playing house. You really don't get the full impact of marital commitment. And yes, if he were to leave me for reasons other than abuse and adultry, he should have to deal with the consequences of divorce. Which, by the way is not punishment.
Like I said, that is how YOU view marriage, there are some of us that don't view it that way. Exclusivity to me is exclusivity, marriage contract or not. Just because there is no contract or marriage, doesn't make what a person does with a SO any different than with a husband or wife. I am fine trusting an agreement to be exclusive, if it works out forever so be it, if it doesn't why through all the extra BS of divorce into the already mess process of breaking up.


And I find it mildly insulting that you keep refering to cohabitation as playing house. Your ceremony deosn't make playing husband and wife any more serious than me playing house.
- October 30th, 2008, 01:35 pm
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nebethet, wrote :

Hi everyone. I'm sure this has already been a subject multiple times but my searching didn't give me much in the way of results.


Am I the only one who wants to wait till engagement/marriage before living with someone?


My decision and reasoning is based on my own experiences and talking with other people. I have lived with people a few times in relationships but it never seemed to be for the right reasons. It was for convenience or because the guy really wanted me to move in with them. My reasons aren't religious in nature or anything like that. I feel like I'd take a better approach at the seriousness of living with someone if I were to wait.





How do other people view this stuff? Yea or nea? Is living together a must? Do you think it makes people less inclined to take the next step because it's so convenient as it is? Would dating a girl who doesn't want to move in right away be a turn off or a deal breaker?





I don't mean there wouldn't be extended sleepovers, weekend rotations, I just mean not officially letting a rental lease go or what have you, and one person officially moving in with the other.

I say nea on the idea of living together before marriage. I was raised by parents who did not live under one roof until they got married. I intend to keep that tradition going.
- October 30th, 2008, 02:33 pm
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whysoserious wrote :

cynamon68 wrote :


whysoserious wrote :


cynamon68 wrote :


Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.


So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?


Marital commitment is more than legal...it is also moral, it is psychological, it is emotional, it is spiritual. Merely living together is playing house. You really don't get the full impact of marital commitment. And yes, if he were to leave me for reasons other than abuse and adultry, he should have to deal with the consequences of divorce. Which, by the way is not punishment.


Like I said, that is how YOU view marriage, there are some of us that don't view it that way. Exclusivity to me is exclusivity, marriage contract or not. Just because there is no contract or marriage, doesn't make what a person does with a SO any different than with a husband or wife. I am fine trusting an agreement to be exclusive, if it works out forever so be it, if it doesn't why through all the extra BS of divorce into the already mess process of breaking up.


And I find it mildly insulting that you keep refering to cohabitation as playing house. Your ceremony deosn't make playing husband and wife any more serious than me playing house.
I am sorry you find my reference to cohabitation as playing house insulting. I just see that living together just doesn't require the same kind of commitment as marriage. A commitment in marriage is a promise, a covenant. What I am trying to say is that it is the vows that are said in marriage that make the commitment to each other binding. I guess with that said, a couple can promise each other without witnesses the marriage vows, but still, when you sign your name on the license saying you indeed made that promise, it takes that commitment to a whole new level. Gosh, I hope this makes sense.
- October 30th, 2008, 03:20 pm
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cynamon68 wrote :


whysoserious wrote :


cynamon68 wrote :


Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.


So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?


Marital commitment is more than legal...it is also moral, it is psychological, it is emotional, it is spiritual. Merely living together is playing house. You really don't get the full impact of marital commitment. And yes, if he were to leave me for reasons other than abuse and adultry, he should have to deal with the consequences of divorce. Which, by the way is not punishment.


Marriage to you may be different than living together without a license, but you have failed to prove this is the case. There is nomeasureable benefitto be had from getting a license to live together. Living together without the benefit of the license is just as binding, just as moral, as much a committment as living together with a license.


All that separated the married from the living together is a piece of paper issued by one of the state or its representatives. There is no difference in love, in committent, in emotions shared, etc.


Ultimately all the defenders of marriage to offer is that the piece of paper makes getting out of the marriage less trumatic--again as a sales pitch for the virtues of marriage this is pretty lame.


All you need do is some research the level of protection for common law arrangements is rapidly catching up with those for marriage.


- October 30th, 2008, 03:23 pm
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abnoba I just found out my gramma died. I feel so very sad. I will miss her a lot.

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cynamon68 wrote :

whysoserious wrote :


cynamon68 wrote :


whysoserious wrote :


cynamon68 wrote :


Wow, this is a very deep subject. The difference between "living together" and marriage is commitment. Marriage is a commitment and a promise; a binding contract. Why else do we have divorce court? Our society has become "numb" to the commitment factor involved. Yes, a spouse can leave just like a SO, but, there is at least a process to go through before it actually happens. I have heard people, who lived with their SO, say that even though they lived with the person before they married them, they still really didn't know them until after marriage. For me personally, if my guy were toask me to move in with him before we married, I would have to say no. I don't want to play house. I want the assurance of having a marriage where we are committed to one another.


So you just want a legal penalty for the break up, you don't "trust" your partners commitment to you, unless it is supported by a legal document that would punish him for breaking up with you?


Marital commitment is more than legal...it is also moral, it is psychological, it is emotional, it is spiritual. Merely living together is playing house. You really don't get the full impact of marital commitment. And yes, if he were to leave me for reasons other than abuse and adultry, he should have to deal with the consequences of divorce. Which, by the way is not punishment.


Like I said, that is how YOU view marriage, there are some of us that don't view it that way. Exclusivity to me is exclusivity, marriage contract or not. Just because there is no contract or marriage, doesn't make what a person does with a SO any different than with a husband or wife. I am fine trusting an agreement to be exclusive, if it works out forever so be it, if it doesn't why through all the extra BS of divorce into the already mess process of breaking up.


And I find it mildly insulting that you keep refering to cohabitation as playing house. Your ceremony deosn't make playing husband and wife any more serious than me playing house.


I am sorry you find my reference to cohabitation as playing house insulting. I just see that living together just doesn't require the same kind of commitment as marriage. A commitment in marriage is a promise, a covenant. What I am trying to say is that it is the vows that are said in marriage that make the commitment to each other binding. I guess with that said, a couple can promise each other without witnesses the marriage vows, but still, when you sign your name on the license saying you indeed made that promise, it takes that commitment to a whole new level. Gosh, I hope this makes sense.
I am aure all of the above makes sense to you. But not to me and many others. As matter of fact I feel sorry for those who think they need a license in order to stay with a man or woman. It strikes me as a pretty low level committment. I wont need all the muscle of the state to force my lover or myself to stay together. Too bad that you and others seem need to this sort of help.


As to the playing house remark. It doesn't even come close to the mark and could be applied to all the marriages in the country, especially given the serial nature of many marriages today.
- October 30th, 2008, 03:28 pm
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