Complex break up... help, please?


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redhandedsamm is offline redhandedsamm Post #1  March 5,2008, 10:16pm

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Intense love, friendship, but awful timing... please help, I feel sick...

I am a freshman in college, and my ex is a senior in high school.
We started dating when in April of my junior year, his sophomore, and were very together and in love until the morning I left for college this August.
We had agreed months before my departure that it would be best to split up and remain friends when I left. So we tried that. But it was too hard for me. I couldn't possibly get over him when we were talking so often.
At Thanksgiving, I saw him and told him I thought we should try a long distance thing. He said no. For the next six weeks, we did not talk and I attempted to get over him. Then, towards the end of winter break I called him. I thought I was over him enough, and he was really the only friend I had who could fully understand how much my mother was annoying me that night. When it was time to hang up, he was like, "So, does this mean we can talk again? And next time, can we really catch up?" And I said I guessed so.

Since then, we've talked everyday and we've fllen very deeply back in love.

But the thing is, in six months HE is going to be a freshman in college. And really feels that it is necessary for him to date other girls before he settles down. And he feels too intensely and knows that I do, too, for it to be healthy for us to date for just six months.
(It should be noted that I did have an on-and-off complicated affair at school, that Ben knows about. And I guess I do feel it was important for me, and makes me feel even more sure that Ben is the one for me.)
I want so badly to be his best friend. I mean, he says I always will be. And I want that, so badly. But we're in love... are interactions are infused with this tenderness and intimacy that is distinctly more than friendly. And I just can't handle it. I can't pretend that I don't love him and that the thought of him with another girl doesn't kill me.
So, last night, I told him that if this dating other girls thing was really a need that I thought we had to part ways for a while.
I hate it. I don't want to lose touch with him. I don't want him to forget me. And... I don't want to get over him. I love him so much. The thought of losing him is killing me.

Am I doing the right thing? And, if I am, how do I get over him without losing him forever?
 
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bubbaboo is offline bubbaboo Post #2  March 7,2008, 8:19pm
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Girl, you are so young and still finding out who you are. It always hurts to split up, but what's wrong with meeting other people and trying out different relationships? You will change so much as you continue to grow as a person, and there's a chance that he will change as well and you may not be right for each other. You should be having the time of your life now. You are in a situation where you will meet lots of different people. I'm almost 40 and when I look back on the people I dated when I was in my twenties, I would not want to be with any of them now.

Take your time. Try new things. You have time on your side. Believe me, it goes by faster than you can comprehend.

Good luck.
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #3  March 9,2008, 12:49pm
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Most students who enter college kiss most of the high school memories: GOODBYE!

Obviously, your memories included a young man who had accepted the fact that you were going to college and that there would be changes on your side? Apparently, you didn't want the changes to occur and attempted to keep your relationship going?

You can always keep the man in your dreams while he attends the college of his choice for the next 4 years. But wouldn't you like to see him HAPPY and give him the opportunity to explore the real world?

It's entirely possible that he will continue to have very strong feelings for you...and there's always the chance the 2 of you might get really serious when you're both in your 20s or 30s. But for now, each of you have to GROW in your own way! Please let this happen!

Best wishes and warm thoughts to the 2 of you...

argytunes
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #4  March 11,2008, 5:15pm
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argytunes,68170 wrote :

the college of his choice for the next 4 years. But wouldn't you like to see him HAPPY and give him the opportunity to explore the real world?
Enough about seeing Him happy, you be happy. You both are starting off at the beginning of your lives and you will meet many,many different people along the way. For those of us who have traveled down that road at 19, believe us when we say, you want be the same person 5 or even 10 years from now.

This young man had the wisdom to know that it would be best to let you go and enjoy your college experience. You're trying to hang on to something that will eventually die a natural death. Most high school relationships do. There are some who marry their high school sweethearts, but often they end up divorcing because people change when they get older. Not all, but a lot do.

I think you should be strong enough to give him and yourself the space to grow and mature and to experience your college life fully. Don't end up holding on to him so tight that you both end up hurting each other badly.

What will you do if he meets someone? Let it go walk away with dignity and cherish the relationship you had with him and the memories, and know that there will be more down the line.

As another poster said, time is on your side and you'll meet new people.
 
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BSchorr is offline BSchorr Post #5  March 11,2008, 6:18pm
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The fact that he wants to date other people says to me that he's not sure you're the one. And that's understandable...he's 18 years old. When I was 18 years old I wasn't even sure *I* was the one, much less she was.

Live, learn, let him go. Maybe he'll tire of the other girls and realize you are the one and come back to you. If he doesn't you don't want to be his "best friend" while he falls in love with somebody else. Trust me on that one, I've been there.

It'll hurt for a little while, but you need to move on. You're VERY young and have so many life experiences ahead of you.

-B-
 
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brit_rose is offline brit_rose Post #6  March 12,2008, 8:24am
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Let him go, Honey. If you continue to hold on to him while youre in college, you will look back in 30 years time and have some serious regrets....and theres nothing worse than looking back on your life and regret some of the things you've done (or NOT done!). Part of the process of life is to fall in love, and back out again, and to get up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. If i can do that after 26 years of marraige, you can do it now!
 
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eliza61 is offline eliza61 Post #7  September 18,2008, 10:28am
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redhandedsamm, wrote :

Intense love, friendship, but awful timing... please help, I feel sick...

I am a freshman in college, and my ex is a senior in high school.
We started dating when in April of my junior year, his sophomore, and were very together and in love until the morning I left for college this August.
We had agreed months before my departure that it would be best to split up and remain friends when I left. So we tried that. But it was too hard for me. I couldn't possibly get over him when we were talking so often.
At Thanksgiving, I saw him and told him I thought we should try a long distance thing. He said no. For the next six weeks, we did not talk and I attempted to get over him. Then, towards the end of winter break I called him. I thought I was over him enough, and he was really the only friend I had who could fully understand how much my mother was annoying me that night. When it was time to hang up, he was like, "So, does this mean we can talk again? And next time, can we really catch up?" And I said I guessed so.


Since then, we've talked everyday and we've fllen very deeply back in love.


But the thing is, in six months HE is going to be a freshman in college. And really feels that it is necessary for him to date other girls before he settles down. And he feels too intensely and knows that I do, too, for it to be healthy for us to date for just six months.
(It should be noted that I did have an on-and-off complicated affair at school, that Ben knows about. And I guess I do feel it was important for me, and makes me feel even more sure that Ben is the one for me.)
I want so badly to be his best friend. I mean, he says I always will be. And I want that, so badly. But we're in love... are interactions are infused with this tenderness and intimacy that is distinctly more than friendly. And I just can't handle it. I can't pretend that I don't love him and that the thought of him with another girl doesn't kill me.
So, last night, I told him that if this dating other girls thing was really a need that I thought we had to part ways for a while.
I hate it. I don't want to lose touch with him. I don't want him to forget me. And... I don't want to get over him. I love him so much. The thought of losing him is killing me.

Am I doing the right thing? And, if I am, how do I get over him without losing him forever?
Time really does help at least lessen the pain but learn from it as you should in any failed relationship and than live on but do it well! A happy adjusted person is much more likely to attract the same than the opposite. You have many years more to, if it's in the cards,find and rekindle the love with this very young man. Learn to be you, an independent & educated soul first than complicate it with another. Godspeed and fun for all
 
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DoubleWinner is offline DoubleWinner Post #8  September 22,2008, 5:59am
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redhandedsamm, wrote :

Intense love, friendship, but awful timing... please help, I feel sick...

I am a freshman in college, and my ex is a senior in high school.
We started dating when in April of my junior year, his sophomore, and were very together and in love until the morning I left for college this August.
We had agreed months before my departure that it would be best to split up and remain friends when I left. So we tried that. But it was too hard for me. I couldn't possibly get over him when we were talking so often.
At Thanksgiving, I saw him and told him I thought we should try a long distance thing. He said no. For the next six weeks, we did not talk and I attempted to get over him. Then, towards the end of winter break I called him. I thought I was over him enough, and he was really the only friend I had who could fully understand how much my mother was annoying me that night. When it was time to hang up, he was like, "So, does this mean we can talk again? And next time, can we really catch up?" And I said I guessed so.


Since then, we've talked everyday and we've fllen very deeply back in love.


But the thing is, in six months HE is going to be a freshman in college. And really feels that it is necessary for him to date other girls before he settles down. And he feels too intensely and knows that I do, too, for it to be healthy for us to date for just six months.
(It should be noted that I did have an on-and-off complicated affair at school, that Ben knows about. And I guess I do feel it was important for me, and makes me feel even more sure that Ben is the one for me.)
I want so badly to be his best friend. I mean, he says I always will be. And I want that, so badly. But we're in love... are interactions are infused with this tenderness and intimacy that is distinctly more than friendly. And I just can't handle it. I can't pretend that I don't love him and that the thought of him with another girl doesn't kill me.
So, last night, I told him that if this dating other girls thing was really a need that I thought we had to part ways for a while.
I hate it. I don't want to lose touch with him. I don't want him to forget me. And... I don't want to get over him. I love him so much. The thought of losing him is killing me.

Am I doing the right thing? And, if I am, how do I get over him without losing him forever?
Have you told him how you feel? If you haven't, you should give it serious consideration. If you have, and he has not responded in kind, then you should give serious consideration to moving on.


Trust me on this one -- I found out the hard way that being a couple does not work when only one person is in the relationship.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #9  September 22,2008, 9:39am
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I think the advice you got here is consistent -- everyone is telling you the same thing. You have a choice YOU can make -- be miserable or move on. Part of becoming a better person is realizing when you can't change something and when you can.


Won't be easy. Put him on the back burner. Choose to become the person you want to be. Don't look back. Enjoy the best years of your life!
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #10  September 22,2008, 9:49am
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redhandedsamm, wrote :

Intense love, friendship, but awful timing... please help, I feel sick...

I am a freshman in college, and my ex is a senior in high school.
We started dating when in April of my junior year, his sophomore, and were very together and in love until the morning I left for college this August.
We had agreed months before my departure that it would be best to split up and remain friends when I left. So we tried that. But it was too hard for me. I couldn't possibly get over him when we were talking so often.
At Thanksgiving, I saw him and told him I thought we should try a long distance thing. He said no. For the next six weeks, we did not talk and I attempted to get over him. Then, towards the end of winter break I called him. I thought I was over him enough, and he was really the only friend I had who could fully understand how much my mother was annoying me that night. When it was time to hang up, he was like, "So, does this mean we can talk again? And next time, can we really catch up?" And I said I guessed so.


Since then, we've talked everyday and we've fllen very deeply back in love.


But the thing is, in six months HE is going to be a freshman in college. And really feels that it is necessary for him to date other girls before he settles down. And he feels too intensely and knows that I do, too, for it to be healthy for us to date for just six months.
(It should be noted that I did have an on-and-off complicated affair at school, that Ben knows about. And I guess I do feel it was important for me, and makes me feel even more sure that Ben is the one for me.)
I want so badly to be his best friend. I mean, he says I always will be. And I want that, so badly. But we're in love... are interactions are infused with this tenderness and intimacy that is distinctly more than friendly. And I just can't handle it. I can't pretend that I don't love him and that the thought of him with another girl doesn't kill me.
So, last night, I told him that if this dating other girls thing was really a need that I thought we had to part ways for a while.
I hate it. I don't want to lose touch with him. I don't want him to forget me. And... I don't want to get over him. I love him so much. The thought of losing him is killing me.

Am I doing the right thing? And, if I am, how do I get over him without losing him forever?
As much as it hurts, you might have to back off for awhile to stay his friend. It just sounds like it's so painful for you to be around him because you're already feeling the loss of him as a boyfriend. It may be that distancing yourself from him for awhile will get you into that best friend mode, but you've go to make a decision that will eventually give you some peace of mind.
 
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