ChasingDreams is offline ChasingDreams Post #1  October 22,2008, 6:28pm
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I have been in a relationship with this guy for over a year now. Of course as with most new relationships the first few months are amazing but that only lasts but so long. Lately I have been battling with this issue of am I the GF or the daughter?





This afternoon I had phoned my BF and explained to him that we needed to talk due to issues that have been going on back and forth with us. I asked when would be a good time to avoid any distractions. I basically wanted him to be open and not defensive about our conversation. I said I would email him the topics of concern so he has an idea of where I wanted the conversation to go. Due to family issues I texted him and told him that I did not get a chance to do the email but will do so soon.


I proceeded to create a word document so I can prepare my feelings and thoughts. As I sat at the computer to do this I get an email asking me why I was on the computer and why I wasn't tending to my children like a mother should. Of course my first reaction is defensive so I put it back on him stating that if he was with his kids and working why would I be the wrong one for being on the computer if infact HE had to use the computer to email me.


The wonderful email:


Him: Get Off of the computer and take care of your kids, what a joke, you will never
change, you are going backwards, whatever.


Me: I just spent the last 30 minutes typing up what I called you about earlier. I will save the document for another time. Apparently this isn't the right time to discuss anything.





So with that being said, what is your take on this type of situation?
 
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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #2  October 22,2008, 6:47pm
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Ummmm, my take on this is that guys hate the old "we need to talk.." discussion and it usually puts them on the defensive.


It's great that you are able to write down all the issues you want to discuss, becuase it helps you to clarify things. but I think it might be a bit too business-like and analytical for intimate relationship.


If a guy presented me with a document like that, I'd think he was crazy! Put yourself in his position. it just seems way too demanding.


But I think his comment about you not looking after your kids was really low, he obviously wants to put you down and "keep you in your place", so to speak.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #3  October 22,2008, 6:51pm

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yeah, his comment was out of line. But...I'm pretty sure he was just put off by the "document" and that was his way of saying.....WHY are you writing ths out? can't you just talk to me?


In fact...that would be my question to you....can't you just...talk to him? why do you feel you need the document? does he not listen to you? interrupt you and cut you off? take control of the conversation?
 
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lookin is offline lookin Post #4  October 22,2008, 6:54pm
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Way too much energy *negative energy) being spent in an unhappy relationship. IMHO
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #5  October 22,2008, 6:54pm
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ChasingDreams, wrote :

I have been in a relationship with this guy for over a year now. Of course as with most new relationships the first few months are amazing but that only lasts but so long. Lately I have been battling with this issue of am I the GF or the daughter?





This afternoon I had phoned my BF and explained to him that we needed to talk due to issues that have been going on back and forth with us. I asked when would be a good time to avoid any distractions. I basically wanted him to be open and not defensive about our conversation. I said I would email him the topics of concern so he has an idea of where I wanted the conversation to go. Due to family issues I texted him and told him that I did not get a chance to do the email but will do so soon.


I proceeded to create a word document so I can prepare my feelings and thoughts. As I sat at the computer to do this I get an email asking me why I was on the computer and why I wasn't tending to my children like a mother should. Of course my first reaction is defensive so I put it back on him stating that if he was with his kids and working why would I be the wrong one for being on the computer if infact HE had to use the computer to email me.


The wonderful email:


Him: Get Off of the computer and take care of your kids, what a joke, you will never
change, you are going backwards, whatever.


Me: I just spent the last 30 minutes typing up what I called you about earlier. I will save the document for another time. Apparently this isn't the right time to discuss anything.





So with that being said, what is your take on this type of situation?
Okay, so what is it about this guy that you like again? This guy's micromanaging you for God's sake!! It's none of his business what you're doing with your time when you're not with him. The next thing he'll want is a schedule of when you brush your teeth and take a bath. Oh and I can't wait for the "Sit up to the table and chew your food properly" routine.


Bring your concerns but don't be surpried if he makes you wrong and blames you for everything . . . which he is winding up to do. He knows you want to talk to him about "issues" . . . he's gonna get real critical because he can't take the criticism and he's already defensive. Loose the dude. He's an albatross.
 
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outdoorjeanie is offline outdoorjeanie Post #6  October 22,2008, 6:59pm
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Does he make comments like this to you often? I agree with Aussiegirrl that this is definitely a put down and verbal abuse. Sometimes this can happen disguised as a subtle joke- sometimes not so subtle. Be careful of this cause it will do some serious damage to your self esteem over time. If this is not the case, then keep your eye on it and make sure it doesn't become a pattern.


For a conversation of this magnitude, go over the points that you want to make in your head and try not to be emotional when discussing. Be brief and to the point. I have discovered that that is way more effective way of communicating with a man. They seem to keep on task better without the emotional windfall we can sometimes bring when it is something that is extremely important to us.


Good luck!
 
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ChasingDreams is offline ChasingDreams Post #7  October 22,2008, 7:03pm
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I thank you for the replies thus far. I did explain to him the reason why I was going to put it in a document form because it would help me "SEE" what I am saying. I know I tend to come off wrong sometimes and I usually end up saying "Thats not what I meant". This site has really helped me grab some ways of expressing myself without pointing the finger just at him.


I am by far perfect and I have my moments and I usually take that "silent" cooling off period to go over things in my head and see it from a different persons view.


I wasn't going to give him a document as our talk, it was just to help me put my thoughts together. I was just going to email him an idea of what we needed to talk about.
 
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onehotdj is offline onehotdj Post #8  October 22,2008, 7:15pm
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ChasingDreams, wrote :

I have been in a relationship with this guy for over a year now.* Of course as with most new relationships the first few months are amazing but that only lasts but so long.* Lately I have been battling with this issue of am I the GF or the daughter?


*


This afternoon I had phoned my BF and explained to him that we needed to talk due to issues that have been going on back and forth with us.* I asked when would be a good time to avoid any distractions.* I basically wanted him to be open and not defensive about our conversation. I said I would email him the topics of concern so he has an idea of where I wanted the conversation to go.* Due to family issues I texted him and told him that I did not get a chance to do the email but will do so soon.


I proceeded to create a word document so I can prepare my feelings and thoughts.* As I sat at the computer to do this I get an email asking me why I was on the computer and why I wasn't tending to my children like a mother should.* Of course my first reaction is defensive so I put it back on him stating that if he was with his kids and working why would I be the wrong one for being on the computer if infact HE had to use the computer to email me.*


The wonderful email:


Him: Get Off of the computer and take care of your kids, what a joke, you will never
change, you are going backwards, whatever.


Me: I just spent the last 30 minutes typing up what I called you about earlier. I will save the document for another time.* Apparently this isn't the right time to discuss anything. *


*


So with that being said, what is your take on this type of situation?*
your two different types I'm assuming an age difference he's a control freak so get rid of him. You could maybe keep to yourself how you deal ( making a word document) to yourself and maybe ask those questions earlier in the relationship in person not electronically. Chalk it up to experience and move on.
 
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TexasCarGuy is offline TexasCarGuy Post #9  October 22,2008, 7:43pm
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are you ok with more advice? I say: spend some time with a 3rd party, like a close friend or therapist talking about his behavior. We can't know all from just this much information, but I totally agree with the others, he sounds manipulative and like he puts the blame on you for whatever are his shortcomings. Might research his self centeredness and control issues so you know more about what you are dealing with. Then, once you decide to dump him, haha-- but seriously...think about who you allow into your life. Is there a pattern there or is this a one time control freak you have allowed to get close. Again, IF that is what he is and IF we are right in our assumptions -- only you know the whole situation. It really helps to get it all out there with a 3rd party, IMHO.
 
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MudSlideSlim is offline MudSlideSlim Post #10  October 24,2008, 3:39am
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just reading the first post was depressing. i am sooo outta here ...
 
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