He says he will, "NEVER MARRY AGAIN."


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soloally1891 is offline soloally1891 Post #1  November 5,2007, 6:05am
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I don't know how to handle this statement. My boyfriend has made it VERY clear that he WILL NOT marry again. On the other hand, I am old fashion and marriage to me is important. He tells me that I am his world but NEVER the "I Love You" that I would love to hear.
Am I wrong to still hold on to my old fashion beliefs? We are both over 50(he is in his 60's) and life is so short.We get along very well(I only see him 2 times a week due to his work)but I don't know if this will affect our relationship.
 
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lily is offline lily Post #2  November 7,2007, 6:05pm
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it depends on why he won't marry again-- bad divorce? -- give it lots of time. Widower idealizing wife??? I wouldn't want to be in your shoes then! I am seeing a widower in his late 50's, and although I know that there is really no objective reason to get married at my age, and it may actually be a problem because of combining assets of 2 families, I want to be married. My guy hasn't said he doesn't want to, but I haven't asked about it yet either. last time I did, 30 years ago, I married someone I should have walked away from....
Anyway, I want to be married, and at some point the current situation may become untenable for me. right now I'm OK. I think you really have to know the basis for the NEVER before you can know what to do!
 
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soloally1891 is offline soloally1891 Post #3  November 11,2007, 4:57pm
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Thank You Lily. His reason is" you don't need to be married to have the oneness,respect & love". He believes you can it ALL without the license. That is his basis. He was also married before. I am very confused at this point.
 
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Roger is offline Roger Post #4  November 11,2007, 7:44pm
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Soloally there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do about marriage.

However, like Lily stated, combining two assets of two families may be a real problem for him. In your mind and heart you know that if something went wrong with the marriage you wouldn't try to take anything of his that he brought seperately into the marriage. He may not be ready to trust anyone (not just you) that far with so much in his life.

Remember he is not the only person in the world that feels this way. Lots of people do. It's nothing you're doing wrong.

 
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soloally1891 is offline soloally1891 Post #5  November 12,2007, 4:18am
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Thanks Roger. This site REALLY helps. I will wait it out but after our last conversation, it was made clear to me that I will always be a girlfriend nothing more. He will not commit. Says at his age he likes it this way. I DON"T so the ball is in my court!!
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #6  November 12,2007, 6:32am
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Soloally,
This is an interesting situation because of the age in the people involved. If it were younger people in there 20's and 30's the answer would be pretty clear. Leave the person and go be with someone who wants what you want. Since the both of you have been in relationships before and have experienced marriage, maybe the answer isn't so cut and dry. I guess the question really comes down to your happiness and regardless of what age you are, happiness is most important.
Can you see yourself being with this guy indefinitely on his terms?
Does being with him on his terms make you happy?
What do you enjoy when you're with this guy?
What makes you upset when you're with this guy?
What will marriage provide for you that you don't have already with this guy?
What will marriage take away from you?
I guess only you can answer these questions. Why do you want marriage with this guy? After you've done some thorough soul searching, then you can decide how best you can proceed in your relationship. The answer lies with you.
 
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soloally1891 is offline soloally1891 Post #7  November 12,2007, 8:49am
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Thanks Sara. You so right. I have a lot of soul searching to do. I think what bothers me the most is that he fits me in. He has told me his life is full. I feel mine is NOT. I won't sell myself short again like I have done in the past!!
 
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Amazing is offline Amazing Post #8  November 24,2007, 7:39am
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Just ended a seven year relationship where he said he will not marry. I feel that the whole time he was preparing for an end. I should have read into his "will never marry" a long time ago. I feel that I wasted valuable time with someone who was not able to commit an knew it all along.At th time the good stuff was worth sticking around for. Now I wish I hadn't compromised. I am older now and it's harder to meet someone. I am old fashioned as well and believe in marriage. It is a declaration to your mate and the world that you are committed. But at this point finding someone who doesn't have family assets issues or children and an ex to complicate things will be very difficult. Why do things have to be so complicated. Whatever happened to girl meets guy, they fall in love and live happily ever after?
 
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beloved0000 is offline beloved0000 Post #9  November 24,2007, 6:50pm
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Maybe I'm a little 2 black and white about this, but it has always seemed 2 me that any guy that gets the goodies b4 marriage, really has no reason 2 get married. All other explanations and excuses aside, it always comes down 2 using sex as a weapon 2 control and manipulate. It's hard 2 stay out of a sexual relationship w/someone ur attracted 2 tho, isn't it? Women r not victims unless they choose 2 b. So many times the battle is so subtle we don't even see it coming. Our needs outweigh logic, cuz we're women. We're emotional. Sex is more about the emotional connection 4 us. 2 men, sex is usually about getting physical needs met. Men give love 2 get sex, women give sex 2 get love.
 
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OkayAlone is offline OkayAlone Post #10  December 4,2007, 5:00am
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Seriously . ... Womyn - LISTEN to what men say to you!! If he SAYS to you that he will never marry again - BELIEVE HIM! If he hasn't told you that he loves you - THEN HE DOESN'T! (or he does and has huge intimacy/communication issues) in which case you will spend the next ten years trying to "get him to love you" - rather than enjoying YOUR OWN great company, spending time with friends or maybe even meeting someone who truly cares for you and wants a life with you. Try reading "He's just not that Into you" or googling the website. Or Iyanla Vanzant's Book, In the Meantime. We all instruct people on how they can treat us - and making excuses for why someone doesn't say what we need or treat us the way we want to be treated just lowers our own self esteem and takes the shine off every beautiful day!

And Yes, I'm alone at the moment - after walking away from a man who wouldn't commit to me 2 years ago ..but it's okay. I was lonlier WITH him, than without him! Good Luck in your search for someone special!
 
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