Would you consider this verbal abuse or just plain truth?


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talonfinite is offline talonfinite Post #61  October 18,2008, 7:10am
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This post brings up a good point...what actually is 'verbal abuse'. While there is no strict definition since it's objective in nature, I just did a quick search and came upon a wiki page describing it. In the examples link I find this statement...


'Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, what they drink and what they eat are also forms of verbal abuse....'


We have so lost our way, it's scary. We've become so PC nowadays that we have an excuse for everything in our lives that affect our happiness. I only say this because in the end...no one, not one living soul can do you harm verbally UNLESS you let them. Anyone can scream and yell at me but until I decide to take offense to their comments, it's only noise and their insecurities that are being aired.


*sigh* I mourn for the next generations.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #62  October 18,2008, 7:37am
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talonfinite,298606 wrote :

This post brings up a good point...what actually is 'verbal abuse'. While there is no strict definition since it's objective in nature, I just did a quick search and came upon a wiki page describing it. In the examples link I find this statement...


'Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, what they drink and what they eat are also forms of verbal abuse....'


We have so lost our way, it's scary. We've become so PC nowadays that we have an excuse for everything in our lives that affect our happiness. I only say this because in the end...no one, not one living soul can do you harm verbally UNLESS you let them. Anyone can scream and yell at me but until I decide to take offense to their comments, it's only noise and their insecurities that are being aired.


*sigh* I mourn for the next generations.
I agree with you to a point. As a society, we have become way too PC. A story came out this week about a school in the northeast that wanted to start a yoga class for students. Parents came popping out of the woodwork to complain that it might promote Hinduism.So the school was forced to change the name of the class to "Raider Relaxation Time" (after the sports team) to make these weiners happy. Same class, different name. Give me a break.


People are offended way too easily by the words of strangers. Who cares ? They don't know you. That is especially true about race or weight or sexual orientation. It's almost like people want to find offense.


Where we differ, is that you should expect kindness from those that do know you and are supposed to care about you.
 
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yecats is offline yecats Post #63  October 18,2008, 8:05am
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sarcasticpsycho, wrote :

What if you just moved in with your boyfriend after a year of dating and one night you were too tired to have sex (great sex life every night) and he got mad, jumped up and started to put his pants on and yelled "well if you arnt going to give me any I have 2 on speed dial a lot better than you ever thought about being". The next day afteryou manage to removeyour heart fromyour stomach he proceeds to tellyou that he was sorry and that hesaid it out of anger. Would that be considered verbal abuse or just plain truth? Could you ever trust that person to be faithful to you?
I have to tell you, from past experience, that is NOT a good thing.


It is a sign that he EXPECTS from you sex. Sex should be a mutual decision, not a duty.


If it is said bysomeone that says they love you, they are telling you that YOU are replacable and that he thinks about alternates to replace you when HIS needs are not met.


I do not believe he was thinking about you. or the "US". He was thinking about HIMSelf only.


You can dismiss this and hope it goes away, but out of true life experience I have found that is a "warning bell" that you should be listening to.


Your heart ended up in your stomache when he said this because inside of yourself you know what i say is true.


It probably made you feel sick to find out the one you are absolutely crazy about may have hidden intentions with you.


I am a mom of an adult son. I do not wish to hurt you. I wish to only make you aware.


I have found in life we encounter the good and the bad. We have to decide how we will deal with what is handed to us. Our actions determine outcomes and reactions.


It sounds like this guyCOULD generallybe a good guy, BUT part of him has other ideas of how things will be for himself and YOU.


If he said he has a way to obtain sex from someone else, out of anger, he probably does.


He is only saying the thoughts that are in the front of his mind and it sounds like he wanted to lash out at you when he could not obtain from you what he wanted. He sounds like a boy with his actions.


Please know YOU are valuable. Do NOT let him step on your self esteem or confidence.


He is with youbecause he knows you are valuable. He knows he gets something that he likes from you as well. You should not have to have sex every night unless it is something you want to do.


YOUR needs matter just as much as his do.


What ever happens in the future with the decisions you make, I wish you well.


ME - yecats
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #64  October 18,2008, 8:18am

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whether it is classified as verbal abuse or not doesn't really matter. You started another thread (I think) where you said he was abusive 90% of the time. so, I would say this was just another example of the behavior that belittles you and makes you feel bad.


The problem is you are entrenched in life together, you live together. If you were in the early stages of dating I expect you would show him the door. Its harder when you have been with someone longer and this behavior slowly escalates. You have invested.


Personally, I don't think I've ever in my life been in a serious relationship with someone that belittled me or stormed off, claiming he had other women on the side if I was tired one night. I might laugh in his face that would be so absurd and crazy to me.


I highly doubt he is that much in demand but he might think that he is. He does sound abusive from what you wrote about him. But like he does not have a leg to stand on. Sounds like an angry fellow that likes to punish those close to him.


Up to you....is that what you want to sign up for? Did this behavior slowly get worse or was it always that way? does he treat others badly?


It may be hard to leave now it will only get harder, every day you stay the harder it would be to leave.


could you trust him to be faitful? I dont know. Can you trust him to be a good father? Can you trust him to control his immature and childish outubursts? Can you trust him to take good care of you when you are sick or pregnant? Those are the kinds of questions you might want to consider.
 
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mT_TechGrl is offline mT_TechGrl Post #65  October 18,2008, 8:31am
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hazmat,298600 wrote :

dimension,295158 wrote :





oh com'n posters, one frustrated outburst and it's off to couple counselling?? I have to agree with RR on this one, SP and her partner were enjoying a great routine sex life, it suddenly stopped, the guy got frustrated and yelled.








There's a big difference between frustrated and hateful. It's all about the intent of the message. Everyone gets frustrated occasionally. His INTENT was to hurt her and cause her emotional distress. That's not ever acceptable in a relationship.
True, true. In there, lies the motivating factor.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #66  October 18,2008, 8:52am
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hazmat,298614 wrote :

talonfinite,298606 wrote :


This post brings up a good point...what actually is 'verbal abuse'. While there is no strict definition since it's objective in nature, I just did a quick search and came upon a wiki page describing it. In the examples link I find this statement...


'Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, what they drink and what they eat are also forms of verbal abuse....'


We have so lost our way, it's scary. We've become so PC nowadays that we have an excuse for everything in our lives that affect our happiness. I only say this because in the end...no one, not one living soul can do you harm verbally UNLESS you let them. Anyone can scream and yell at me but until I decide to take offense to their comments, it's only noise and their insecurities that are being aired.


*sigh* I mourn for the next generations.


I agree with you to a point. As a society, we have become way too PC. A story came out this week about a school in the northeast that wanted to start a yoga class for students. Parents came popping out of the woodwork to complain that it might promote Hinduism.So the school was forced to change the name of the class to "Raider Relaxation Time" (after the sports team) to make these weiners happy. Same class, different name. Give me a break.


People are offended way too easily by the words of strangers. Who cares ? They don't know you. That is especially true about race or weight or sexual orientation. It's almost like people want to find offense.


Where we differ, is that you should expect kindness from those that do know you and are supposed to care about you.
I'm with Haz on this one. Yes, we've become a society of crybabies who focus on the most ridiculous things. However, your statement:


...no one, not one living soul can do you harm verbally UNLESS you let them. Anyone can scream and yell at me but until I decide to take offense to their comments, it's only noise and their insecurities that are being aired.


has enough element of truth to sound reasonable but it isn't. It may be their issues and their insecurities being aired, but the need to say things (or the inability to keep oneself from saying things) that are bound to instigate insecurityor painin the other partner is not exactly a characteristic that shouts good relationship skills.
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #67  October 18,2008, 9:20am
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Maybe this question is the one being pondered by the woman in the recent article photo.
 
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erae is offline erae Post #68  October 18,2008, 4:24pm
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sarcasticpsycho, wrote :

What if you just moved in with your boyfriend after a year of dating and one night you were too tired to have sex (great sex life every night) and he got mad, jumped up and started to put his pants on and yelled "well if you arnt going to give me any I have 2 on speed dial a lot better than you ever thought about being". The next day afteryou manage to removeyour heart fromyour stomach he proceeds to tellyou that he was sorry and that hesaid it out of anger. Would that be considered verbal abuse or just plain truth? Could you ever trust that person to be faithful to you?
First, I have to give your credit for being able to post something like this. If this is a man you love it's probably hard to read all the comments on here in response. Anyways, I don't know everything else that has gone on in your relationship, but I have read a book recently that may help you- The emotionally abused women- Overcoming destructive patterns and reclaiming yourself. by beverly engel


I have been through some verbally abusive relationships in the past, and you really don't realize when it's happening what the damages are because it's not physical. Also if your treated this way as a child, you're already used to that type of treatment.If their actions cause you to second guess yourself, doubt yourself, etc. they are slowly making you a weaker person. Your emotional health is just as important as your physical health.
 
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MudSlideSlim is offline MudSlideSlim Post #69  October 18,2008, 11:18pm
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sarcasticpsycho, wrote :

What if you just moved in with your boyfriend after a year of dating and one night you were too tired to have sex (great sex life every night) and he got mad, jumped up and started to put his pants on and yelled "well if you arnt going to give me any I have 2 on speed dial a lot better than you ever thought about being". The next day afteryou manage to removeyour heart fromyour stomach he proceeds to tellyou that he was sorry and that hesaid it out of anger. Would that be considered verbal abuse or just plain truth? Could you ever trust that person to be faithful to you?
Two questions:


What were you thinkin' about when you moved in with him?


Why are you still there?
 
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MudSlideSlim is offline MudSlideSlim Post #70  October 18,2008, 11:48pm
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talonfinite,298606 wrote :


This post brings up a good point...what actually is 'verbal abuse'. While there is no strict definition since it's objective in nature, I just did a quick search and came upon a wiki page describing it. In the examples link I find this statement...


'Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, what they drink and what they eat are also forms of verbal abuse....'


We have so lost our way, it's scary. We've become so PC nowadays that we have an excuse for everything in our lives that affect our happiness. I only say this because in the end...no one, not one living soul can do you harm verbally UNLESS you let them. Anyone can scream and yell at me but until I decide to take offense to their comments, it's only noise and their insecurities that are being aired.


*sigh* I mourn for the next generations.


That's nice in theory.


There's a lot of things that'll role like water off a duck's back. I do not consider yelling and screaming among them. Pick the wrong person and they might poke their tumb half an inch into the screamer'swindpipe, just to get a little peace and quiet. I've seen it done. Got real quiet, too.


Personally, ifsomeone's going to be disrespectful to me, I'd appreciate it if they'd do it with some common courtesy and a little human decency.


There's this thing called the assertive communication model: "When you _____, I _____, because _____." It works pretty well. And it is infinitely more productive than screaming.


As for the subject post, well, if he can't hurl vile insults and obscenely hurtful and unkindthreats at the woman who is sharing the temple of her body with him, then who can he scream insults at??? What's the world coming to?


Still, as long as his Mom is proud, the rest is inconsequential. Right?
 
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