Would you consider this verbal abuse or just plain truth?


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beauty2divyne is offline beauty2divyne Post #41  October 16,2008, 9:13pm
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Roland abuse is not always when someone is hit. You sound like my ex who happens to abuse women verbally, emotionally and mentally when he cannot control how they behave. Let's see if you had a daughter and she was not feeling well would you want some guy not being considerate of her present condition? That is the real issue here. Mutual respect. No one gets what they want in a relationship all of the time but when they person doesn't get their way how do they behave toward the other participant in the relationship.


So to each his own but I think the young lady should reassess what her expectations are and what she has told or shown the man what he can expect from her. Some thing here does not match up. Believe me it always starts off small and the apologies flow until the abuser thinks you have no where to go.
 
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fwsingledad75 is offline fwsingledad75 Post #42  October 16,2008, 9:13pm
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sarcasticpsycho, wrote :

What if you just moved in with your boyfriend after a year of dating and one night you were too tired to have sex (great sex life every night) and he got mad, jumped up and started to put his pants on and yelled "well if you arnt going to give me any I have 2 on speed dial a lot better than you ever thought about being". The next day after*you manage to remove*your heart from*your stomach he proceeds to tell*you that he was sorry and that he*said it out of anger. Would that be considered verbal abuse or just plain truth? Could you ever trust that person to be faithful to you?
too tired to have sex? huh? really? I don't buy it.. and neither did he...
his reaction was out of line... but this was not the first time..
you already knew... so... why the surprise?
 
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TekGoNos is offline TekGoNos Post #43  October 16,2008, 9:30pm
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Red Sox Girl,295218 wrote :


Tell him you have 3 on speed dial who are willing to wait until your energy level is back on track.


No. Don't get down to his level.


The best reply would to smile into his face and tell him: "I'm sorry you're that upset, but that melodramic attempt at manipulation won't make me less tired. I still love you, I'm just too tired for sex. And what you just said hurt me and is totally unacceptable. Good night sweety."


It was verbal abuse and a really bad one. I don't think he really has girls on speed dial though, it was just a rather transparent attempt to hurt you and make you comply to his desires.


Get a good book on manipulation in love relationships and follow its instructions. I was quite impressed with Susan Forwards "Emotional Blackmail," but any book on the subject should do. Basically it boils down to my above example: everytime he comes up with something like this, acknowledge his feelings, re-assure him of your love, while simultaneously being very clear that his behavior was totally unacceptable and that he won't get anything with it.


The bad news is that it will happen again.


The good news is that it will become less & less frequent, if you consistently side-step these outbreaks. And it is crucial that you are consistent. Nothing reinforces a behavior more than inconsistent reactions.


Good Luck,


Tek
 
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RRoland is offline RRoland Post #44  October 16,2008, 9:32pm
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It may not be true now, but if you keep withholding sex it will be true at some point. All the advice from Susan Forwards won't solve that issue.
 
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Nans08 is offline Nans08 Post #45  October 16,2008, 9:41pm
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you may want to pay particular attention to the last one...
Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
by Dr. Irene Matiatos with a former Client who's been there, done that
featured on www.obgyn.net





Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:



Does your partner:




Updated January 2007





ignore your feelings?




disrespect you?




ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?




ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?




withhold approval, appreciation or affection?










give you the silent treatment?




walk away without answering you?




criticize you, call you names, yell at you?




humiliate you privately or in public?




roll his or her eyes when you talk?




give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?




make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?




seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?




tell you you are too sensitive?




hurt you especially when you are down?




seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?




have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?










present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?




"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?




try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?




complain about how badly you treat him or her?




threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?










say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?




ever left you stranded?




ever threaten to hurt you or your family?




ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?




seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?




abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?




compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?




promise to never do something hurtful again?




harass you about imagined affairs?




manipulate you with lies and contradictions?










destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?




drive like a road-rage junkie?




act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?




question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?




interrupt you; hear but not really listen?










make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?




use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?




incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?




try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"




frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?




treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?







 
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metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #46  October 16,2008, 9:51pm
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Sure, some guysmight say abusive, stupid, and totally fabricatedthings when blood is rushing away from their brains, and these could be just hormones talking. Maybe. But it took him a whole day to apologize?Seems to mehe was more likely worried he'dsleep alone2 nights in a row. Oh, and as for his speed dial numbers, they probably started with 976.
 
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talonfinite is offline talonfinite Post #47  October 17,2008, 5:58am
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RRoland,296655 wrote :

talonfinite,296651 wrote :


It's not verbal abuse or plain truth rather it's plain immaturity and childishness; since I don't get my way, I'll throw a tantrum. BUT there are always three sides to a story, your's, his and the truth. Maybe it's come to that time when you both need to sit down, be brave and redefine your relationship so as it can move forward. If you both brush this under the rug without being truthful, it'll be the beginning of the end.


I agree that it is immature and childish. But women like to mother, no?
You took that comment as quid pro quo? It's not meant for a comparison, it's only stating an obvious reaction...based on one side of the story. What does the need for some women to mother men have to do with it?
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #48  October 17,2008, 3:17pm
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RRoland,296650 wrote :


I am smart enough to know when not to get involved in a relationship that is destined to fail. Most people aren't.


So you've joinedmonastery, have you? Given up on women altogether, huh?


Cuz I'm pretty sure you haven't gotten involved ina relationship that has succeeded in the long term. Unless you've been holding out on us.
 
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RRoland is offline RRoland Post #49  October 17,2008, 5:02pm
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peg099,297684 wrote :

RRoland,296650 wrote :


I am smart enough to know when not to get involved in a relationship that is destined to fail. Most people aren't.


So you've joinedmonastery, have you? Given up on women altogether, huh?


Cuz I'm pretty sure you haven't gotten involved ina relationship that has succeeded in the long term. Unless you've been holding out on us.
Why do I have to give up on women if I don't want a relationship? There are plenty of women who don't want relationships either.
 
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RRoland is offline RRoland Post #50  October 17,2008, 5:03pm
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talonfinite,297078 wrote :

RRoland,296655 wrote :


talonfinite,296651 wrote :


It's not verbal abuse or plain truth rather it's plain immaturity and childishness; since I don't get my way, I'll throw a tantrum. BUT there are always three sides to a story, your's, his and the truth. Maybe it's come to that time when you both need to sit down, be brave and redefine your relationship so as it can move forward. If you both brush this under the rug without being truthful, it'll be the beginning of the end.


I agree that it is immature and childish. But women like to mother, no?


You took that comment as quid pro quo? It's not meant for a comparison, it's only stating an obvious reaction...based on one side of the story. What does the need for some women to mother men have to do with it?
Since women like to mother, shouldn't they be happy when they get a immature, childish partner?


No one has ever accused me of being immature or childish, yet many have accused me of rejecting loving care.Well, if you like to mother, you will get a child. Deal with it.
 
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