I Need Help

This isn't exactly about the kinds of relationships that eHA talks about, but it's a relationship nevertheless and I need help with it. It's a complicated story and I'll make it as short as possible.


In September 2006, my cousin owed over $250,000 to different people; my father was one of them. At that time, he cried on my father's shoulder that he's not earning enough money and he doesn't know how to pay the loan back. He told my father that he will do work on our house in lieu of payment, meaning he's not going to pay the loan back - he's just going to do repairs on the house. By March 2007, my cousin was repairing things that didn't need to be repaired and my father finally sat down with him and said he doesn't want anymore repairs - please just pay the money back. Within a week, my cousin delivered a ceritfied cheque in the amount of $45,000. I got suspicious at this point; if he didn't have enough money to pay back the loan in September 06, where did he suddenly get the money in March 07 to payit back?


He kept in touch fairly regularly between March 2007 and August 2007, when his father died. After his father died, he stopped calling my parents. They thought this is just a grieving process that he's going through, but I was suspicious (again). His father was an alcoholic and when he was alive, my cousin bad mouthed something awful. Why should he suddenly go through a severe grieving process?


I sent an Easter Card to him and his family this spring and said that we hadn't heard from him in a while and asked how everything is going. He phoned my father and said that he's been very busy with work and besides that he and his wife have been going to a high class resort on Vancouver Island one weekend a month to "mend their relationship". I checked it out on the internet and he'd have to pay at least $2000 each month just to stay there. That means in the last year he's spent at least $24,000 at this resort. Where is the money coming from?


I live in the same house with my parents but I usually take separate holidays from them. This year, for various personal reasons, I had to go with them on their holidays. Our neighbor across the street usually takes the mail and newspaper in for uswhen this happens, but she doesn't have a spare key to the house. My cousin is the only one with a spare key. Every time we were gone on our holidays, my cousin was also gone on one of his "weekends with the wife". Coincidence? Since May he's also been complaining about how busy he is with work. I finally said to him "if you're too busy, maybe you should give the key back to us and we'll find someone who can get into the house if Aurora needs help getting in for any reason." I'm also working on an inventory of the house for insurance purposes; my parents are also getting on in years and I need to know what we have in the house so that I can settle the estate as efficiently as possible. My cousin has something in storage for my father and I asked him for a list of these items.


My cousin phoned my father and called me an insecure b***ch from h**l and said that I should f**k myself. My father told me not to upset my cousin because his father was an alcoholic and he had too much of a hard life already. He also told me that we have to take as much responsibility for my cousin as we can because his father was an alcoholic. At this point I lost it and told my cousin what he could do with himself. If he has any problems with my behavior and he's any kind of man at all he'd be coming to me to talk about his problems with me. Why go to my parents and expect them to control and punish me on his behalf?


My parents have set up a meeting between me and my cousin for this coming Monday (October 6). I'm supposed to apologize to my cousin for making his life difficult. I'm dreading the meeting; I'm afraid that I'm just going to lose it again with my cousin. There are thousands of people in the world who have alcoholic parents and they're moving on with their lives. I don't think I should have to take responsibility for my cousin just because his father was an alcoholic.


My problem is: do I apologize? What do I say to him?

Perhaps he got the money from when his parents passed? How about his wife`s family? Could they be helping him out also?

His mother is stilll alive so she would have received the bulk of the inheritance when my uncle died. She may be helping with some of the payments, but my uncle used up most of the money he earned on alcohol. We get Canada Pension contributions deducted from every pay cheque. This moneysaved by the government until you retire. Pension rules are pretty complicated here, but the gist is that when you retire, you can opt for receiving a lower pension over a longer period of time versus receiving a larger pension over a shorter period of time. My uncle decided on the larger pension because he needed all the money he could get for his addiction. My aunt is barely scraping by now on Old Age Security - something that all people are entitled to regardless how much money they put into the Canada Pension Plan. He also had some money in a private pension plan but this money stopped coming in as soon as he died. He could have worked it so that my aunt gets 60% of that money for five years after his death, but again he opted for the higher amount.


The other side are so fed up with my cousin's debts that they look after the children but they're no longer giving him any money.


He's getting it from somewhere, but I don't know where.

Ok, this may sound snotty in writing, but it's not intended that way...


Why are you concerned about your cousin's financial status? If he's repaid your father and doesn't owe you any money - let those to whom he is still in debt worry about his $, right?