nicevegasgirl is offline nicevegasgirl Post #1  September 29,2008, 12:16pm
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So, I've been dating this guy for about five weeks and it was amazing. We can talk about anything and when we spend time together we have so much fun. He's the only person I've met that I can really be myself with. The only problem is that he's really into computer games and two weeks ago he got a new game. Last weekend he broke plans two nights in a row to play the game and this weekend I didn't see him once (and he had a four day weekend). I talked to him about it on Saturday and he said it was just that he had been preoccupied with the game and that it wasn't anything to do with me. I still can't help feeling a little hurt. We don't live close together and he changed from being REALLY into me to barely talking to me and not making plans to see me. So what's the deal? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
 
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HarleyGrrl is offline HarleyGrrl Post #2  September 29,2008, 12:55pm
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Wow...can I ask how old he is?





Keep in mind if you're coming in 2nd now, it's not going to get better 3 years from now. If it's bothering you now, you'll be out of your mind with it in a while.





Make sure you're both on the same level with the relationship...guys can see things differently than we do. What you think of as 'dating', he might think of as just 'hanging out'. He may not realize or think of the relationship as committed or as seriously as you do.





Give him the benefit of the doubt, and find out for sure where you and the relationship stands with him. Then if you truly ARE his 2nd preference to the games...you need to decide what you can live with.
 
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dcajun44 is offline dcajun44 Post #3  September 29,2008, 1:36pm
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nicevegasgirl, wrote :

So, I've been dating this guy for about five weeks and it was amazing. We can talk about anything and when we spend time together we have so much fun. He's the only person I've met that I can really be myself with. The only problem is that he's really into computer games and two weeks ago he got a new game. Last weekend he broke plans two nights in a row to play the game and this weekend I didn't see him once (and he had a four day weekend). I talked to him about it on Saturday and he said it was just that he had been preoccupied with the game and that it wasn't anything to do with me. I still can't help feeling a little hurt. We don't live close together and he changed from being REALLY into me to barely talking to me and not making plans to see me. So what's the deal? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
You have be kidding.I am absolutely cracking up at this one!!
 
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LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #4  September 29,2008, 2:02pm

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Wow, you lost out to a computer video game. Time to tell him GAME'S OVER.


Find someone else... someone who considers your happiness their priority


Good luck!
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #5  September 29,2008, 2:05pm
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Ha!!! I know people like this. These are the same people who complain to me that they can't get a date.


I for one understand where this guy is coming from, but i am far from condoning his activity. Computer games are fun and can be terribly addicting. But then again, so is alcohol, gambling and a whole assortment of other activities. The word here is moderation. If you are bailing on people to play a game, then you probably need some kind of counseling. Gaming is good, but if it starts a trend of alienating the real word to play this game to extreme, then you need help, or need to step back.


As for the OP, you have every right to be hurt. He ditched you for something irrelavant. He's right on one thing, it has nothing to do with you. However, how you feel with his action has everything to do with you, and him. You need to choose what you are willing to accept and what you're not willing to accept and stand by that choice.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #6  September 29,2008, 2:41pm
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As someone who used to suffer from video game addiction I understand his behavior perfectly. Of course that doesn't mean I think it's acceptable behavior. People laugh at video game addiction like it's not a "real" addiction or no big deal but it actually is. I nearly destroyed my entire college career, and life, because of video games.


I will say that he is probably telling the truth when he says it's not because of you. I remember when Final Fantasy X came out for the PS2 I played the game for 62 hours straight, no sleep. The only times I stopped playing were to go to the bathroom and to order a pizza. I still played the game with one hand eating and the other with the controller. Needless to say the girl I was dating was not too happy about it. I didn't even think about her. My mind was completely involved in the game.


Thinking back I'm pretty sure she thought it was something she did or that I was mad at her. She was definitely hurt. I barely noticed at the time and wasn't even slightly mad at her. The game was just that consuming. I've lived this exact situation and I can say it's not a healthy one.


Although I would agree with Harley that you need to make sure he sees the relationship the same way you do I would have to disagree about you being first or second in his life. Guys have hobbies. We also have space issues. We need time to ourselves to do things we enjoy. It's not a matter of the hobbies coming before the woman in our lives. It's about getting some time to relax on our own or without the stress of a relationship. Women usually get very upset about this because they can't imagine how a relationship could possibly be a stressor. They think it's insulting to believe that their presence can completely stress out a guy no matter how into you he is. That doesn't make it any less true.


While you could just break up with him and find a guy that isn't addicted to gaming or is more sensitive I think you'll end up finding that another guy will just have drinking, sports, or some other thing he uses for personal time. The fact that he broke plans is what makes me believe his gaming is more than a hobby and is an addiction. I've gotten to the point where I prefer going out with people and doing social activities over video gaming and I never break plans to play a game. This was a huge and difficult step for me.


If you actually want to give this relationship a try, and I think that you do, my recommendation would be to talk to him about it. Don't just stay upset and let him "figure it out." And don't accuse him. Saying "You made me angry because you played video games over our plans and I want to know why you did that!" is just going to make him defensive. He'll come up with excuses or try to shift the blame back on you. You won't get anywhere.


Try making it personal on you instead of him (this is actually a good general communication tip). Instead of the above try saying "I feel hurt and I don't understand why our plans were canceled over a game. Is it a problem with me or is something wrong in our relationship?" See how you never used "you?" This makes the problem mutual and it's not you vs. him. There's no confusion about how you feel about it and he doesn't get on the defensive because now he's seeing you hurt and asking for help instead of being accused of hurting you and being the bad guy. Don't take it too far or make into a big argument. If he is into you and just didn't think it was a big deal it will give him something to think about. He probably won't apologize or accept it right away. Give him some time and bring it up, nicely, some time later. You may be able to work something out.


If not, well, you gave it your best shot and the fault lies with him. You deserve someone who appreciates you and cares for you and you need to have enough self-respect to move on if you aren't getting the respect you deserve. Addictions are a tricky thing and not something you can 'cure'. He has to choose that on his own and decide whether or not you're worth enough to him in order to control his addiction. Nobody can be forced to stop an addiction. They have to choose it themselves.


Just make sure you aren't dumping this guy before you give communication a chance. I've seen so many relationships die simply because people are unwilling to talk about it. Just recently two of my friends who have been friends since high school finally started talking to each other again. Both of them thought the other was mad at them. Neither was right. So I threw a party and invited both of them and they're good friends again. If you really like this guy make sure you aren't giving up on him because of a misunderstanding.


If communication fails then it's time to move on. You can't "fix" him if he has a serious problem. Sometimes the best thing you can do with someone who has an addiction is to let them go. It could wake him up and help him get the self discipline to overcome it. You won't do him any favors by staying and allowing the behavior.


I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated on the situation and I'll try to see if I can give any insight on his behavior. I'm intimately aware of computer game addictions and can relate all too well to the difficulty in breaking the habit.


Take care.


Jacquesne
 
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BillLvsGolf is offline BillLvsGolf Post #7  September 29,2008, 2:41pm
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Nicevegasgirl, This is not a man you are trying to figure out. This is a boy who likes video games more than he likes women. If you like boys, wait for him, otherwise, there are good men out there.


I agree... Tell him game over.
 
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PennyWise is offline PennyWise Post #8  September 29,2008, 2:56pm
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NVG,


New games are all consuming. I bet once he beats it, you'll be right back to #1.My advice is let this one slide andwait for the next new game. If it's only 3 or 4 times ayear, could you live with it? Take that "down" time to reconnect with friends or induldge in something you like to do with out him. Another option is join him. Watch him play, get into the "plot" of the game. When I dated a football fanitic, I'd read while he watched. If he lets you visit, fix him a meal, at least you'll get to talk while he eats. If this turns out to be his worst habit, I'd say you're pretty lucky!


Good luck!
 
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dimension is offline dimension Post #9  September 29,2008, 4:21pm
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Hey NVG,


I agree with Harleygirl, if it's annoying you now , while you're still "courting" phase and you allow him think that it's ok to shuffle you to #2 whenever a new game comes out, it will distress you later down the track.


Unless you and he can manage the time spent on gaming, maybe allocate a certain time where he can devote 100% to his gaming passion and then outside that time it's "US" time, then you will have to figuratively slap the back of his head and say "this is not on" or "this is game over"


I used to do a lot of gaming, and I'm in the IT profession, the games out now are designed to suspend reality and cleverly coded to avoid "logical" save points. By that I mean, there's no clear stop break point between "Level 1" and "Level 2", etc. The game just keeps going on. There will always be the next power up, next stage, next mission, next expansion, next game version. It will keep going if you allow it.


Like any other hobby/passion, gaming is part of who he is, if you want the relationship to continue you both have to reach a compromise about time spent pursing your own interests and time spent together
 
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rg26 is offline rg26 Post #10  September 29,2008, 5:34pm
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I think a few other posters are right. Gaming is an addiction. Its a real problem. I think Im starting to do that with this forum and a few others I post on. Kinda sad to lose a great guy to something like that. Why don't you tell him that's what is about to happen. Maybe a wake up call sort of?
 
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