Dear Danb35,


Gosh, it sure sounds like you all are getting the short end of the stick with your premarital couseling. A really good one gives each party assessment tests, discusses all sorts of things like finances, sex, who will pay the bills, how will money be handled, how many children are planned and when, and explores all those kinds of things. I'm sorry to hear this did not happen in your case.


I, too, always ask the premarital sex question in my first five questions on eHarmony as I want someone on the same page as I am and this helps me quickly weed out matches that do not share those same values with me. I have many matches that are opposed to premarital sex.


Hmm, concerning your question and comment. When one professes to another to be a committed Christian, that implies certain things including exhibiting the Fruits of the Spirit and seeking to be more and more like Jesus. If a person is commited to that, than they will obey what the Bible has to say about things like honesty, sex, faithfulness, etc.


People that claim to be one thing and are not have a hard time pretending to be what they are not and it does come out over time.


Say if a person who says there are a committed Christian is always trying to push the envelope - trying to cross proper sexual boundaries, then one quickly gets the picture from one's actions. Words don't necessarily have to be exchanged.


The man should take the responsibility to set proper pre-marital sexual boundaries and the lady should help him in that endeavor. Wise people do not put themselves in that situation because it's too easy to fall.


You seem very mature and I do agree with someone who has a maturity level like your's. The reason I wrote what I did is that I strongly suspect with most people the conversation would disintegrate in an inappropriate direction by people who are not committed Christians, and it could even with people who are, and just talking about sexual things leads to a certain arousal level that leads to other things.


One really does have to be careful when discussing those kinds of things as it can lead down a slippery slope.


You see, one way it can get started is with sex talk which leads to a sort of pseudo intimacy in that area after people have shared their sexuality which leads to intimate kissing and petting and eventually intercourse. Just talking about sex is a huge turn-on for people.


On a first date, I think a man saying something along the lines of I want to treat you with respect and adhere to God's standard in doing things sends a clear and wonderful message to a lady who also is saving herself for marriage and who might say, "Yes, that is my desire too."


This lets her know a lot about the guy in one fell swoop, and if his actions back up his words, then she knows he is indeed authentic about who he is. It also lets the guy know how she feels about the subject without getting it down to an undignified level.


Sometimes, a person has an undesirable past in this area - maybe they weren't saved or maybe they fell away from the Lord for a time . . . . Those things happen and we're not to judge. The past is the past and can't be changed.


Much depends on where the person is in the present and where they want to go in the future. If a person hasn't confessed their sin and repented (turned away), then a committed Christian would not want to be involved with that person.


Sex is just too freely discussed too intimately between people who barely know each other. In today's society, it's lost the specialness that God designed it to be between a husband and his wife.


The OP seemed to think that being a virgin was something to be ashamed of or feel badly about. If a person wasn't a virgin, should they go around blurting that out to someone they've only known two months, or three months, or however long? If not, than why blurt out that one is a virgin?


HurrMark doesn't say what his standard is in this regard but seems to find it a burden of sorts most sadly.


In the past, and still today, people who sleep around have something of a negative reputation and tend to be negatively labeled and name-called, especially women. Society has totally messed up what God designed for our good and which He blesses inside of marriage only. That's why so many people are hurt today.


Additionally, there's a double-standard for men and women with women most definitely coming out on the losing end with the name-calling. Why, our society has any number of negative words for women who sleep with men outside of marriage, but hardly any for men.


JavaJava5