She's breaking up with me because I am a virgin :-(

Dear HurrMark,


Many, many women are not like this at all and I personally know a slew of men and women who were virgins when they married.* You might want to hang out with a different type of woman who realizes that God's standard for sex after marriage and within marriage only is designed to protect people's hearts, bodies, minds, and emotions.


It's wonderful when two people, after marriage, give each other the only gift they've never given anyone else.* When you go to the store to buy something, don't you go for the new or do you seek out used goods that's been in who knows how many people's hands.


When you and your lady are both virgins and save yourself for marriage, you don't have to worry about things like STD's, unexpected pregnancies, wondering what number you are, etc.* It saves a person from a lot of pain and heartbreak.


My take is this woman broke up with you for reasons other than what she stated.* We really will never know if what she told you as to the reason is true or not.


As to your Asperger's, you should be aware there's many, many people - famous and ordinary people who've had all sorts of things but still succeeded in life - and maybe because of it.


The great statesman, Sir Winston Churchill, had ADHD.* President Abraham Lincoln suffered from depression as did Ernest Hemingway.* Tom Cruise has dyslexia as does Henry Winkler.* You're far from being alone.* People triumph over whatever life throws at them all the time and so can you.


Now, I'd like to get to the heart of the matter here which is this . . . . Why ever in the world were you discussing your sex life with someone you've only known for two months?* That's so inappropriate.* Whatever happened to propriety, to good taste?*


That's a very personal and private matter in a person's life and should not be brought up until at least after the engagement and when the couple is in premarital counseling during the engagement period with the third party who is leading the counseling.


If there was an error made on your part, it was not stopping the inappropriateness of the direction the conversation took when it turned sexual in that fashion.* I don't know if you brought sex up or she did, but it was not appropriate.


Those things are for discussing after the couple is engaged and best in the premarital counseling.*


Further, why would you even be interested in a girl who did not want to keep herself pure for her future husband?* Who wants someone who's slept with goodness knows how many people.* Sometimes, with certain sexual diseases, the person isn't even aware they have one.


You really must stop and think here . . . . Do you want to add a possible case of herpes (for a lifetime) to the burden you seem to carry with Asperger's?* That, to me, is much worse than having what you say you do.


From the way you write, your life sounds complicated enough for you without adding premarital sex to the mix.* It tends to ruin relationships.


There was an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine and Jerry decided to be friends and have sex and made up a bunch of rules so they could stay friends.* The sex messed everything up with their friendship.*


There are many resources to help people with Asperger's and you should avail yourself of them to set yourself at ease about it and realize it's not a death sentence as you seem to think of it.*


Again, some of the world's most talented political leaders, writers., artists, and people had all sorts of things from mental illnesses to learning disabilities and still succeeded wondefully in their professions, in love, and in their marriages.


Take hope.* Take heart.* Look for a different kind of girl that values chastity and keep that sex talk for after your engaged and going to premarital counseling.


You may not remember, but in your other thread about "Regrets," I urged you to hold back.* Hold back in revealing too much (and I'm not even talking about sex here but do include that) too soon.* It will drive a person away.* You do not even need to reveal you have Asperger's.* People don't need to know that.


Tom Cruise didn't go around telling his girlfriends he's dyslexic.* If you are, you should stop telling people about your Asperger's.*


You should invest yourself in learning more about how you can be the the very best you can be and learning behaviors that can make you succeed, help you pick up better on social cues, and such.*


You don't say if you take medicine to help with it, but ask your doctor for some referrals to help you with social behavior in particular.* Also, there's probably support groups and other resources that might be very helpful to you.* Google it and see what's out there and avail yourself of good resources.


Also, have you considered dating people that also have Asperger's?* Again, you're not alone.* There's many with that and it's nothing to be ashamed of or feel badly about.* Don't use it as an excuse not to live your life to the fullest.


JavaJava5

Right and she didn't break up with you 2 months ago did she? Again this is NOT the reason.

I suffered numerous heat aches when I was a virgin. I lost so many good men and opportunities. A vast majority of men expect a sexual relationship at some point in the dating relationship. Too many nights I would cry myself to sleep and hate myself.

I am inexperienced and don't have much knowledge for reasons which I don't want to get into. Frankly, thinking back, I wasn't absolutely sold on this woman, but until a few days ago things were going very well. I think I can get over this quicker than my first breakup, but it's the fear that this will be a recurring theme in my life that scares me. I mean, this is exact deja vu when I think about what happened last year at this time with my first relationship. I heard the exact same words coming out of this woman during the breakup (and she is 100% broken up...there's no way back). I feel it's like applying for a job...they want experience, but if you don't have experience, it becomes a vicious cycle.


And I am sorry if I offended anyone if I sounded like I said that *all* women are like that. It's that so far, in my very, very limited sample, it's the case. But the thing is that both relationships seemed to be OK beforehand with my inexperience...so I fear that I am really saying something or doing something that is messing things up, and I don't know.



Anyway, I guess I have to get back on eHarmony...the fourth tour of duty...not what I wanted but that's how it goes.

Dear Danb35,


Gosh, it sure sounds like you all are getting the short end of the stick with your premarital couseling. A really good one gives each party assessment tests, discusses all sorts of things like finances, sex, who will pay the bills, how will money be handled, how many children are planned and when, and explores all those kinds of things. I'm sorry to hear this did not happen in your case.


I, too, always ask the premarital sex question in my first five questions on eHarmony as I want someone on the same page as I am and this helps me quickly weed out matches that do not share those same values with me. I have many matches that are opposed to premarital sex.


Hmm, concerning your question and comment. When one professes to another to be a committed Christian, that implies certain things including exhibiting the Fruits of the Spirit and seeking to be more and more like Jesus. If a person is commited to that, than they will obey what the Bible has to say about things like honesty, sex, faithfulness, etc.


People that claim to be one thing and are not have a hard time pretending to be what they are not and it does come out over time.


Say if a person who says there are a committed Christian is always trying to push the envelope - trying to cross proper sexual boundaries, then one quickly gets the picture from one's actions. Words don't necessarily have to be exchanged.


The man should take the responsibility to set proper pre-marital sexual boundaries and the lady should help him in that endeavor. Wise people do not put themselves in that situation because it's too easy to fall.


You seem very mature and I do agree with someone who has a maturity level like your's. The reason I wrote what I did is that I strongly suspect with most people the conversation would disintegrate in an inappropriate direction by people who are not committed Christians, and it could even with people who are, and just talking about sexual things leads to a certain arousal level that leads to other things.


One really does have to be careful when discussing those kinds of things as it can lead down a slippery slope.


You see, one way it can get started is with sex talk which leads to a sort of pseudo intimacy in that area after people have shared their sexuality which leads to intimate kissing and petting and eventually intercourse. Just talking about sex is a huge turn-on for people.


On a first date, I think a man saying something along the lines of I want to treat you with respect and adhere to God's standard in doing things sends a clear and wonderful message to a lady who also is saving herself for marriage and who might say, "Yes, that is my desire too."


This lets her know a lot about the guy in one fell swoop, and if his actions back up his words, then she knows he is indeed authentic about who he is. It also lets the guy know how she feels about the subject without getting it down to an undignified level.


Sometimes, a person has an undesirable past in this area - maybe they weren't saved or maybe they fell away from the Lord for a time . . . . Those things happen and we're not to judge. The past is the past and can't be changed.


Much depends on where the person is in the present and where they want to go in the future. If a person hasn't confessed their sin and repented (turned away), then a committed Christian would not want to be involved with that person.


Sex is just too freely discussed too intimately between people who barely know each other. In today's society, it's lost the specialness that God designed it to be between a husband and his wife.


The OP seemed to think that being a virgin was something to be ashamed of or feel badly about. If a person wasn't a virgin, should they go around blurting that out to someone they've only known two months, or three months, or however long? If not, than why blurt out that one is a virgin?


HurrMark doesn't say what his standard is in this regard but seems to find it a burden of sorts most sadly.


In the past, and still today, people who sleep around have something of a negative reputation and tend to be negatively labeled and name-called, especially women. Society has totally messed up what God designed for our good and which He blesses inside of marriage only. That's why so many people are hurt today.


Additionally, there's a double-standard for men and women with women most definitely coming out on the losing end with the name-calling. Why, our society has any number of negative words for women who sleep with men outside of marriage, but hardly any for men.


JavaJava5