Guys, if she doesn't want to take your name . . .


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fun4pooh is offline fun4pooh Post #211  September 7,2008, 8:58pm
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Faira,250404 wrote :

CoteDuRhone,250399 wrote :


In the case where the man are not worried about last name change but the woman is, shouldn't it make more sense for the man to go ahead and change his last name?


There's an idea...makes sense to me.
An old music teacher (male) hyphenated his last name to take his wifes...





The mayor of Los Angeles changed his name to mesh his and his wifes...


>>>wondering if he will be changing that since he cheated on her and they are getting a divorce
 
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czech_Mi_out is offline czech_Mi_out Post #212  September 7,2008, 10:40pm
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CoteDuRhone,250399 wrote :

In the case where the man are not worried about last name change but the woman is, shouldn't it make more sense for the man to go ahead and change his last name?
why bother anyone changing names? How about sewing our hands together as a symbol of unity? Or you can show your love for one anotherby letting he or she be who they are.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #213  September 8,2008, 12:28am
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Faira,250371 wrote :

It's easy to say "Why are you worried about changing your name?" when you're relatively confident that you're not going to be the one that's asked to do it.
The point is that if this is a source of contention between partners there is a deeper relationship issue here.


It's called selfishness, one of my "Big Two" (I just made that up) relationship killers. If she is unwilling to change her name because of selfish attachment to her name and creates an issue in the marriage because of it that's a problem. If he is so selfish as to not understand her desire to keep that part of herself and demand she change her name that's a problem.


It has nothing to do with changing names. It has everything to do with focusing more on what I want (either myself to keep my name or the other to change it) instead of what he/she wants. This is the part where individual couples compromise with each other because they're concerned more about the other person than themselves.


This is identical to a million other little issues and is no more poignant than any of the others. A great example is couples fighting over the toilet seat. She gets mad because he leaves it up and he gets mad because she demands he put it down. She argues he's selfish because he won't take the time to put it back down after using it and he argues she's being selfish because it takes the same amount of effort (less, actually, putting it down is assisted by gravity) to put it back down and she can do it herself. The truth is she's mad because she doesn't take the time to look at the toilet seat and sits into the toilet water if he leaves it up. But that's another discussion.


If this is becoming an issue one way or the other I would take a close look at your relationship and determine if something like this is worth fighting over, either way you choose. Figure out if you're choosing your position out of selfishness or with the other person in mind. If both people do that you can probably come to a compromise that works for both of you.


That's the point I was trying to make.


Jacquesne


P.S. In case you're wondering, the other one of the "Big Two" is communication. Being selfish or being unable to communicate are what I've found to be the fundamental source of virtually all relationship problems. Of course, I'm just some General Studies major with no degree in anything even close to relationship counseling, so what do I know =).
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #214  September 8,2008, 7:42am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Jacquesne,250575 wrote :

It's called selfishness, one of my "Big Two" (I just made that up) relationship killers. If she is unwilling to change her name because of selfish attachment to her name and creates an issue in the marriage because of it that's a problem. If he is so selfish as to not understand her desire to keep that part of herself and demand she change her name that's a problem.


It has nothing to do with changing names. It has everything to do with focusing more on what I want (either myself to keep my name or the other to change it) instead of what he/she wants. This is the part where individual couples compromise with each other because they're concerned more about the other person than themselves.



I think the logical, subsequent question regarding what you have written is….by asking a woman to change her name…aren’t YOU being selfish? I think when there appear to be unequities such as this it’s reasonable that this kind of question be asked (as I have been asked myself). How do you respond to this?
 
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PosiTiv65 is offline PosiTiv65 Post #215  September 8,2008, 8:13am
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jayjay,250656 wrote :

Jacquesne,250575 wrote :


It's called selfishness, one of my "Big Two" (I just made that up) relationship killers. If she is unwilling to change her name because of selfish attachment to her name and creates an issue in the marriage because of it that's a problem. If he is so selfish as to not understand her desire to keep that part of herself and demand she change her name that's a problem.


It has nothing to do with changing names. It has everything to do with focusing more on what I want (either myself to keep my name or the other to change it) instead of what he/she wants. This is the part where individual couples compromise with each other because they're concerned more about the other person than themselves.





I think the logical, subsequent question regarding what you have written is….by asking a woman to change her name…aren’t YOU being selfish? I think when there appear to be unequities such as this it’s reasonable that this kind of question be asked (as I have been asked myself). How do you respond to this?
Asking a woman to change her name is not selfish. Demanding that a woman change her name for you is selfish. Agreeing that she doesn't need to change her name and then silently resenting it is selfish. If a man considers a woman changing her name for him to be "a gift" to him, then shouldn't his understanding that she doesn't want to change her name be considered "a gift" to her? It works both ways and ultimately comes down to communication and understanding the feelings of both parties involved.
 
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CoteDuRhone is offline CoteDuRhone Post #216  September 8,2008, 8:22am

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czech_Mi_out,250532 wrote :

Or you can show your love for one anotherby letting he or she be who they are.
Nah. Relationships are about selfless giving.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #217  September 8,2008, 10:28am
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jayjay,250656 wrote :

Jacquesne,250575 wrote :


It's called selfishness, one of my "Big Two" (I just made that up) relationship killers. If she is unwilling to change her name because of selfish attachment to her name and creates an issue in the marriage because of it that's a problem. If he is so selfish as to not understand her desire to keep that part of herself and demand she change her name that's a problem.


It has nothing to do with changing names. It has everything to do with focusing more on what I want (either myself to keep my name or the other to change it) instead of what he/she wants. This is the part where individual couples compromise with each other because they're concerned more about the other person than themselves.





I think the logical, subsequent question regarding what you have written is….by asking a woman to change her name…aren’t YOU being selfish? I think when there appear to be unequities such as this it’s reasonable that this kind of question be asked (as I have been asked myself). How do you respond to this?

I think you missed the point of the "selfish" idea. Note the third sentence in what you quoted.


If you consider changing your name to be some horrible thing, and you're losing part of your identity, in a healthy relationship a man won't be selfish enough to demand it. Many women are excited and more than willing to change their last name to that of the man they love, and that's fine too.


Just be cautious that the reason you aren't changing your name, the reason behind that choice, is actually because it's something you don't want to do and not because you are being selfish. By that I mean the idea that you're going to have "control" in the relationship by keeping your name, thus proving a point. If that's your motivation there is a deeper problem already existing here.


Things can be "equal" without being the same. Why these things are confused is beyond me.


Do what you want though. I would just do some soul searching and make sure your last name is such an important part of your identity that you can't live without it or if you're just trying to use it as a point of division between you and your husband. If it's the latter I'm fairly confident you're going to end up with quite a bit more relationship problems down the line.


I'm sorry if that's not a simple answer. There's more to this. You say "unequities." This is an assumption that by taking a man's last name you are putting yourself "below" or in an inequal position in comparison to him. Others may not see it this way.


Be cautious that you aren't using this to try and get "above" him. It probably won't work out. You're welcome to try, though.


Good luck.


Jacquesne
 
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LawyerDan is offline LawyerDan Post #218  September 8,2008, 11:25am
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Honestly, I do not want a woman taking my name while I am dating her. It would be way too soon.


My contribution to the area of "DATING"
 
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pinz is offline pinz Post #219  September 8,2008, 11:29am
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test test test ...


I'm getting 'FORUM POSTS BLOCKED' on the Porn thread ... just wondering if this is 'across the board' or what ...


sorry, little 'housecleaning' here ...
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #220  September 8,2008, 11:30am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Jacquesne,250746 wrote :

jayjay,250656 wrote :


Jacquesne,250575 wrote :


It's called selfishness, one of my "Big Two" (I just made that up) relationship killers. If she is unwilling to change her name because of selfish attachment to her name and creates an issue in the marriage because of it that's a problem. If he is so selfish as to not understand her desire to keep that part of herself and demand she change her name that's a problem.


It has nothing to do with changing names. It has everything to do with focusing more on what I want (either myself to keep my name or the other to change it) instead of what he/she wants. This is the part where individual couples compromise with each other because they're concerned more about the other person than themselves.





I think the logical, subsequent question regarding what you have written is….by asking a woman to change her name…aren’t YOU being selfish? I think when there appear to be unequities such as this it’s reasonable that this kind of question be asked (as I have been asked myself). How do you respond to this?





I think you missed the point of the "selfish" idea. Note the third sentence in what you quoted.


If you consider changing your name to be some horrible thing, and you're losing part of your identity, in a healthy relationship a man won't be selfish enough to demand it. Many women are excited and more than willing to change their last name to that of the man they love, and that's fine too.


Just be cautious that the reason you aren't changing your name, the reason behind that choice, is actually because it's something you don't want to do and not because you are being selfish. By that I mean the idea that you're going to have "control" in the relationship by keeping your name, thus proving a point. If that's your motivation there is a deeper problem already existing here.


Things can be "equal" without being the same. Why these things are confused is beyond me.


Do what you want though. I would just do some soul searching and make sure your last name is such an important part of your identity that you can't live without it or if you're just trying to use it as a point of division between you and your husband. If it's the latter I'm fairly confident you're going to end up with quite a bit more relationship problems down the line.


I'm sorry if that's not a simple answer. There's more to this. You say "unequities." This is an assumption that by taking a man's last name you are putting yourself "below" or in an inequal position in comparison to him. Others may not see it this way.


Be cautious that you aren't using this to try and get "above" him. It probably won't work out. You're welcome to try, though.


Good luck.


Jacquesne



WELL….Let ME tell YOU….I HAVE thought about this and I’m never going to take a man’s name when I get married. Well….not unless he’s famous.



LOL I think my question must have played ‘devil’s advocate’ well…as in your reply you seem to be referring to me as a woman.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-wink.gif[/img] And, I actually feel somewhat similarly as you about this….the question I asked just seemed a logical one.
 
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