Why should marriage be the endgame?


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BillLvsGolf is offline BillLvsGolf Post #1  September 3,2008, 4:18am
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I was married for 28 years and had a great relationship with my wife until she passed away two years ago. I have started dating again, mostly through online dating, and have been enjoying the process. However, when I state that at this time, I don't think I am interested in being married again, several women have closed off the process at that point. They tell me that they are looking for something more. I am not a player, but want to look for the right person. It may take awhile, but who knows.


I feel that I can be in just as committeda relationship with a woman without being married. Is this realistic? Do all women want to eventually be in a marriage? Does marriage change the relationship for the better or worse?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  September 3,2008, 4:21am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Hi Bill....if you currently feel a preference for being in a LTR rather than getting married....doesn't that in itself indicate there's a difference between the two, even for you? Why do you think you'd prefer not to be married again? And what makes an unmarried LTR more appealing for you?
 
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BillLvsGolf is offline BillLvsGolf Post #3  September 3,2008, 4:35am
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It seems that many relationships that result in marriage tend to go stale over time. I had a good marriage, but things did change over time. You tend to take each other for granted and the attentiveness to each other's needs tend to pale. Maybe since I haven't been in a LTR without marriage, I am looking at it from a misplaced perpestive. In my mind, a LTR seems to be "fresher" and less taken for granted. Anyone in an LTR would like to comment?
 
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velociraptor is offline velociraptor Post #4  September 3,2008, 4:59am
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It would take a herculean effort to maintain a long term relationship that didn't change over time, whether you threw a ceremony into the timeline or not. And who would really want a relationship that didn't evolve? The trick, it would seem to me, is to try to make sure you don't take your partner for granted, whether you're married or happily unmarried. Will a ring and an officiated vow really make anyone more or less likely to do that?


Maybe it's naive, but I'd wager not.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #5  September 3,2008, 5:14am
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There are women who have been traumatized by marriage and freak out at the idea of being married again. They don't seem to mind LTRs. It shouldn't be hard to find one of them. I know a few of them. This thread may pull them out of the woodwork. [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-cool.gif[/img]
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  September 3,2008, 5:15am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I wonder if both the reason why people like the idea of marriage...AND the reason it can potentially make things go stale....is because it seemingly affords greater security. Maybe it's that in a marriage people feel less likely to be left by their spouse (whether this is true or not), while in an unmarried LTR there's more doubt as to whether you'll stay together. It could be a tradeoffinvolving perceived security and 'staleness'. Another general observation....is that marriage has been around a long time and people keep not giving it up. Even in the 60s when 'freedom' was being proclaimed and being in an unmarried LTR was apparently more in vogue....the majority of peoplehave stuck with marriage over the alternative. It's a definite possibility for some people though.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  September 3,2008, 5:16am
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As the other posters have said it is not the name of the relationship that keeps it alive but the people involved. (not that I have any experience to be speaking on the subject).
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  September 3,2008, 5:32am
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Comment to JayJay, it would seem from your comments that you are looking for marriage.


Comment to Bill, I have noticed quite a number of the girls posting here that they are not looking for marriage and would be very reluctant to re-marry. I do not know if they are in search of a monogomous LTR or just in search of dates. In as much as eHarmony's marketing is geared to matching couples that got married it is interesting that they would have chosen eHarmony to seek a more "casual" relationship.


Just my observations, though it is well known that I can't see worth a flip.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  September 3,2008, 5:38am
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Gr8Guyn2008,244250 wrote :

Comment to JayJay, it would seem from your comments that you are looking for marriage.


Comment to Bill, I have noticed quite a number of the girls posting here that they are not looking for marriage and would be very reluctant to re-marry. I do not know if they are in search of a monogomous LTR or just in search of dates. In as much as eHarmony's marketing is geared to matching couples that got married it is interesting that they would have chosen eHarmony to seek a more "casual" relationship.


Just my observations, though it is well known that I can't see worth a flip.
Yes...I do hope to eventually remarry. And, if an unmarried LTR is what Bill would like...I'm sure there are women out there who feel the same. As NP said....I expect a number of them are those who have been traumatized by marriage....but I don't know as I'd recommend being with someone who has been through something like this until they've had a LONG time to recover from it (but by that time they may want to get marrried again anyway).


Gr8Guy...how much is a 'flip' worth, anyway?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  September 3,2008, 6:19am
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jayjay,244252 wrote :

Gr8Guyn2008,244250 wrote :


Comment to JayJay, it would seem from your comments that you are looking for marriage.


Comment to Bill, I have noticed quite a number of the girls posting here that they are not looking for marriage and would be very reluctant to re-marry. I do not know if they are in search of a monogomous LTR or just in search of dates. In as much as eHarmony's marketing is geared to matching couples that got married it is interesting that they would have chosen eHarmony to seek a more "casual" relationship.


Just my observations, though it is well known that I can't see worth a flip.


Yes...I do hope to eventually remarry. And, if an unmarried LTR is what Bill would like...I'm sure there are women out there who feel the same. As NP said....I expect a number of them are those who have been traumatized by marriage....but I don't know as I'd recommend being with someone who has been through something like this until they've had a LONG time to recover from it (but by that time they may want to get marrried again anyway).


Gr8Guy...how much is a 'flip' worth, anyway?
A flip is so small as to be non-existent.


In the above reference it is to indicate that I cannot see very well at all and by removing my glasses I can make the world go away. Some times this is a good thing [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-smile.gif[/img]
 
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