Too much of a good thing, too soon?


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goodreadTN is offline goodreadTN Post #1  February 17,2008, 5:07am
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I met a nice, normal guy from EH. We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthedeventually that will make me not like him.He's too nice now and I like him too much. Let's call him Adam. Here's my problem:I met another guy ata party roughlyatthe same time. Let's call him Bob. Bob and I have not gone on as many dates as Adam and I.But there was a real"meet cute" spark with Bob, and I have high hopes. I think Adamwould be wounded if I told him about Bob.But I can't bear not telling him because Ireally like Adam, and I think honesty is the best policy.I've never been a player, and I'm much more comfortable dating one guy at a time so this is very new to me. I toldAdam early on that I didn't want to play games -- and I don't. So I feel compelled to tell Adam the truth.Either that or just break it off with Bob, so I don't have toworry about telling Adam anything.Whatdo you guys think?Nix Bob? That would be painful for me.Or date both and tell Adam to grow up?What?
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #2  February 17,2008, 9:51am
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Oh, to have your problem... That's never happened to me. (But of course, I'm full of advice. )



Without being specific that you're dating "Bob", can you say something (to Adam) along the lines of "This seems to be going very well, but keep in mind that it's still very early in the relationship, and I"m not ready to be exclusive." That signals that you are open to dating others without throwing it in his face that you actually are. It's a bit gentler.



Adam 's reaction will give you more information about his character.



And it goes without saying that you have the same conversation with Bob.
 
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gator_alum is offline gator_alum Post #3  February 17,2008, 10:50pm

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goodreadTN, wrote :

I met a nice, normal guy from EH. We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthed eventually that will make me not like him. He's too nice now and I like him too much. Let's call him Adam. Here's my problem: I met another guy at a party roughly at the same time. Let's call him Bob. Bob and I have not gone on as many dates as Adam and I. But there was a real "meet cute" spark with Bob, and I have high hopes. I think Adam would be wounded if I told him about Bob. But I can't bear not telling him because I really like Adam, and I think honesty is the best policy. I've never been a player, and I'm much more comfortable dating one guy at a time so this is very new to me. I told Adam early on that I didn't want to play games -- and I don't. So I feel compelled to tell Adam the truth. Either that or just break it off with Bob, so I don't have to worry about telling Adam anything. What do you guys think? Nix Bob? That would be painful for me. Or date both and tell Adam to grow up? What?
it's funny, i read a post about a guy who sounds like "adam". wouldn't it be funny if he was posting about you?

8 dates with adam? that sounds serious. so you like him too much, just not enough to be exclusive? and why are you looking for something to turn you off about him?

i say be honest with both men, not just adam since he's the sensitive one. AND...be honest with yourself. take some time to decide what you want. i think it's harmless to multi-date early on, but with adam, you'll have to decide soon. i would want to know if someone i have dated 8 times was seeing someone else. wouldn't you?

follow your bliss...
 
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Abashment is offline Abashment Post #4  February 18,2008, 8:45am
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goodreadTN, wrote :

We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthedeventually that will make me not like him.He's too nice now and I like him too much.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to not want things to work out with Adam.

Strangely enough, Bob provides exactly what you're looking for. A way to ruin the beginnings of a good relationship.
 
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goodreadTN is offline goodreadTN Post #5  February 18,2008, 3:35pm
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Abashment,62248 wrote :
goodreadTN, wrote :

We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthedeventually that will make me not like him.He's too nice now and I like him too much.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to not want things to work out with Adam.

Strangely enough, Bob provides exactly what you're looking for. A way to ruin the beginnings of a good relationship.
Thanks for the advice so far. I want things to work out, I do. Maybe too much. That's what I'm afraid of. I just got out of a long term relationship, and Adam is way too nice to be the rebound guy. I almost wish I had met more Mr. Wrongs first so I can go into this without the guilt/baggage of it being a rebound endeavor.Do I really, really like him, oris he the beneficiary of my aversion to the last relationship (basically, anything slightly better than the last guy is a huge improvement in my book - so I worry about applying lowered standards rather than objective ones). Update: I did tell Bob about my other dating activities. For some reason, I thought he would take it better. He was very courteous, funny, and kept the door open for whatever I decided to do. It was a pleasant two hour talk that made me really like him more. So in the case of Bob, honesty really did work in my favor. Now... what to do about Adam....
 
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theweave is offline theweave Post #6  February 19,2008, 2:37am
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If you have dated Adam eight times, it is obvious that you have somethin going for you with him. On the other hand, from what I am rading here, you don't know Bob very well at all. The way it sounds me to me is you like Bob because, in your mind, you are looking to him to prove yourself right about your doubts regarding Adam.

I don't know what you are like, but I would assume that in eight dates with Adam things have become at least somewhat intimate between the two of you, and that there is definitely a connection between the two. I think you know what you want but for some reason, maybe because you just left a long term relationship you don't want it to work out.

I say stick with Adam, yes there is such a thing as love at first sight. I am assuming that Bob lives close to you, so he is still going to be around if things don't work out. But with Adam, if you drop him, he may be gone forever and you may have thrown everything away for nothing. Just my two cents worth here.
 
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goodreadTN is offline goodreadTN Post #7  February 19,2008, 2:33pm
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Is multi-dating over-rated? What is wrong with dating one guy at a time - see how it works out? Is it not just as healthy, maybe healthier -- saner for those of us who can't juggle multiple paramours -- to serial date, like date a guy for a few months before coming to any conclusions about him? Would I be leading someone on if I'm feeling scared about longterm prospects? Based on what I've read here and discussions with some of my girlfriends, I'm leaning toward going exclusive and letting the chips fall wherever. Applying the golden rule to this situation -- I know what I would want if I were Adam. And, I know I would be hurt if this discussion were initiated by him. I don't think keeping Adam in suspense is fair. Love is not a competition. In other words, I don't want to be shopping for Mr. Right the same way I would shop for a new car -- comparing features between various prospects. It's dehumanizing. I wouldn't want to be compared to othergirls Adam may be dating/considering. I'd want a clear shot at makingus a success before he starts looking for alternatives. If it falls apart in three months, well, we'll be wiser through the experience and free to continue our respective searches. Thanks all for the advice.

Not that it matters -- I do know Bob well. Better than Adam in some ways. There is a high degree of verbal intimacy. We share common experiences and a wicked sense of humor. He makes me laugh out loud like no other man has. If the timing were different, I would be going down this road with him instead of Adam.

PS. There is definitely physical chemistry with Adam, but he andI are not yet intimate.That's why I'm at a fork in the relationship-making road. If we were intimate, there would be no question. Of course, I would be exclusive.We aren't there yet, so I need to fish or cut bait, so to speak. I don't confuse multi-dating withmulti-bedding.
 
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niceandnosey is offline niceandnosey Post #8  February 19,2008, 5:53pm
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goodreadTN,62344 wrote :
Abashment,62248 wrote :
goodreadTN, wrote :

We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthedeventually that will make me not like him.He's too nice now and I like him too much.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to not want things to work out with Adam.

Strangely enough, Bob provides exactly what you're looking for. A way to ruin the beginnings of a good relationship.
Thanks for the advice so far. I want things to work out, I do. Maybe too much. That's what I'm afraid of. I just got out of a long term relationship, and Adam is way too nice to be the rebound guy. I almost wish I had met more Mr. Wrongs first so I can go into this without the guilt/baggage of it being a rebound endeavor.Do I really, really like him, oris he the beneficiary of my aversion to the last relationship (basically, anything slightly better than the last guy is a huge improvement in my book - so I worry about applying lowered standards rather than objective ones). Update: I did tell Bob about my other dating activities. For some reason, I thought he would take it better. He was very courteous, funny, and kept the door open for whatever I decided to do. It was a pleasant two hour talk that made me really like him more. So in the case of Bob, honesty really did work in my favor. Now... what to do about Adam....
Did you go on these eight dates 8 days in a row- not likely. So you've probably spent a significant enough amount of time with Adam to be as honest to him as you were with Bob.How strange that you are dragging your heels on correcting behavior that you suspect is dishonest. We don't know Adam, you do, and you're not comfortable with how you're treating him. So I think you already know he wouldn't appreciateyour lack of openess. Hey, maybe you're hoping other people will help make you feel good about it so you don't have to carry aroundall that bothersomeguilt. And maybe if this advice thread goes on long enough Adam will still be there if Bob calls it quits- what do you think? Adam deserves the same honesty as you gave Bob. In my opinion it's just that simple. If Adam then wanted to stop seeing you he'd be within his rights to do so, but on the other hand that might be just the eye-opener you need to realize it'sAdam you want. That is, if it's Adam you want. Maybe Adam isn't the only one you aren't being honest with.
 
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SpyderRyder65 is offline SpyderRyder65 Post #9  May 22,2009, 12:39pm
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goodreadTN wrote :
I met a nice, normal guy from EH. We're about eight dates into it. I'm definitely in like, although it surprises me -- I did not expect to fall for him, and I'm still thinking there's got to be something about him that will be unearthedeventually that will make me not like him.He's too nice now and I like him too much. Let's call him Adam. Here's my problem:I met another guy ata party roughlyatthe same time. Let's call him Bob. Bob and I have not gone on as many dates as Adam and I.But there was a real"meet cute" spark with Bob, and I have high hopes. I think Adamwould be wounded if I told him about Bob.But I can't bear not telling him because Ireally like Adam, and I think honesty is the best policy.I've never been a player, and I'm much more comfortable dating one guy at a time so this is very new to me. I toldAdam early on that I didn't want to play games -- and I don't. So I feel compelled to tell Adam the truth.Either that or just break it off with Bob, so I don't have toworry about telling Adam anything.Whatdo you guys think?Nix Bob? That would be painful for me.Or date both and tell Adam to grow up?What?
well I would dump one of em not fair to make em both think there the one u want.sounds like adam likes u alot and u just really like the way bob looks and u cant decide. adam sounds like the better choice unless on the next date he says he loves u then run for the hills, or bob whichever is closer.............Michael
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #10  May 22,2009, 1:57pm
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1) Why is it so much more difficult for you to tell Adam than it was for you to tell Bob?

2) You have been on 8 dates with Adam and say he is a truly nice guy. Why would you say that you would tell him to "grow up" if he didn't like you dating another person? I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to be exclusive with you. That is what most of us do when we care about someone. It doesn't make us "immature" or in need of "growing up". It means we know what we want. That is not something you seem to know.

There is nothing wrong with not being ready to be exclusive with a person. I do feel you owe Adam honesty and as quickly as possible.
 
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