What I find amusing is that I've found women actually "initiate" contact the vast majority of the time anyway. They make eye contact with a guy they're interested a couple of times, flick their hair, etc., and he responds and "initiates" like it was his idea. Most guys don't just approach some random girl unless a green light to approach has been given. They may think it's their idea, but usually it isn't. Then the game begins.


The "hunter and hunted" system exists partially out of convienience. It's hard enough to enter into a new relationship with the "rules." Without that framework it becomes even more awkward. The trick is making it clear; in other words, good communication.


I would say most men, or at least myself, find a woman who approaches you to be very flattering and attractive. Unless there's some reason you are completely turned off by her (which may just be a preference thing) you'll probably continue and see where it goes.


The only place I could see this becoming an issue (WARNING: Politically incorrect statements to follow!) is when you stay in "masculine mode" too long. Guys are naturally attracted to femininity. This should be sort of obvious; we aren't attracted to other men, so why would we be attracted to a woman who always acts like a man? The opposite is true as well.


You can give him a blatant green light, call him, hug him, whatever, and few men will be intimidated by this. If you stay aggressive, however, and don't give him some room to "chase back" (so to speak) he'll probably start getting nervous and confused. This may be just a personal thing, so if other guys aren't like this ignore it, but for me I have no idea how attractive I am. I would not consider myself an attractive person at all. Therefore, if a girl was all over me, I'd be constantly wondering why. Is it me she's interested in? Is she just like this to anybody, and I'm her flavor of the week?


Basically, if you don't give a guy a reason why HE thinks he should be attractive to you he won't buy it. I certainly wouldn't. I would question your motives. If you continued being the chaser, I'd probably avoid you simply because I had no idea why you were doing what you were doing. After all, what could she possibly see in me to create this behavior? Guys aren't used to women hitting on us. Women, however, usually get quite used to guys hitting on them early on.


This works both ways. If a guy was into a girl and never let her be involved in the process, she'd probably be quite turned away from it too. She wants to be part of the relationship.


If you want a simple way of looking at it, if you invite him to a date and then behave "girly" and attracted to him, he's probably going to be flattered and into it. If you invite him to a date, take charge with everything, and act like the "man" of the relationship he's probably going to feel threatened.


Many men, myself included, pride ourselves on our ability to solve problems, take charge, lead, and be strong. If you make it appear that you don't desire these aspects of him because you're already like that he's going to wonder what's the purpose in even having him around. After all, you seem like you've got everything already; where does he fit in?


I understand this isn't the most politically correct mentality, and that men and women should be able to fill whatever gender roles they want. There's nothing wrong with the man doing the "female" role and the woman doing the "male" role. In a real relationship, I find it refreshing to sort of trade jobs. I still want to have a role, though, and I don't want either to be responsible for both roles nor do I want to be useless because my partner can already do both. Men like to be needed. Or maybe it's just me. Doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only guy out there that feels this way.


The dating world is confusing because it's so hard to tell whether someone wishes to fill whatever role, or even what aspects of a relationship they even consider part of that role. In my mind, dating should be fun, relaxing, and more about learning about the other person than worrying about rules and roles. The "modern" solution has been to throw out the rules. Unfortunately, it's hard to bend or play with rules that no longer exist. To me, it's a lot more fun to break rules that exist than try to play without rules in the first place.


Contrary to popular belief, the majority of men LIKE it when women are direct! The whole subtle thing can drive us nuts. What the heck does she WANT? Just tell me already, stop hinting at it! At the same time, we don't want someone who makes us feel like an accessory and not as an important part of their lives. We tend to be problem solvers. Give us problems to solve, and we'll be happy. Most guys want the woman in their lives to be happy! We just don't always know what to do to make that happen. We like it when you tell us. We don't like it when we aren't able to help. See the difference?


Hope some of that made sense.


Jacquesne

When I was a newbie to these board there was one regular poster who I really enjoyed his comments, so I sent him a mail to say hi. He replied that he thought it was awfully forward of me to do this and this actually really turned him off. Since then we have now made up and e-mail sometimes, but I was so disappointed by this rebuke that I have not mailed any guys first nor do I add them as friends first.