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Baby57 Baby57 is offline
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These are all good comments and questions. Lovey Lady I know what you mean - I was on EH for 6 months was in communication with only about 12 all the way to open communication and have only met 2 face to face. I found manythat half way through guided communication would close the match for "other" which was very odd to me. There are plenty of reasons - pick one! I too sent questions and got no response or they closed the match. Most matches I found closed using the reason the physical distance was too great. One of the ones I met face to face I thought we hit it off and went on 3 dates then he fell off the face of the earth and didn't respond to an e-mail or phone call. I moved on but wonder why people can't be open and honest. I had to tell the other face to face match that I didn't feel any chemistry and we are now just friends. The point is at least I was honest and up front which I am not finding reciprocated. I was in a 23 year marriage and am new to dating. I was not meeting anyone the old fashion waybecause I moved across the country from the East Coast all the way to CA and it takes some time to make new friends. So I thought I would try on-line dating. So far I am not impressed with EH or the quality of matches I received. If you have a chance to date several at once I think thats fine as long as you have not promised to be exclusive. I think it should be discuss early on to start honest communication from the get go.
- February 26th, 2008, 02:31 pm
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ftmyersgirl1981 ftmyersgirl1981 is offline
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joyful08 wrote :
lovelady710 wrote :
DinnerAtFive, wrote :

Prior to joining EH in Jan of this year, I was NOT a dater, so I'm not really good at juggling men.

Even having multiple matches in 'guided communication' is a bit much for me...

Last week, I met a FABULOUS guy (we live in different cities). After tons of emails and phone calls, we spent an awesome 4 days together.

Now I'm about to meet another match in another city. Totally different from the first guy, but I kind of like him, too.

The problem is that I kind of feel guilty...

Have any of you dated more than one match? Did you tell the other matches?
I would like to congratulate you on the fact that you have done so well on eHarmony, i.e., 2 matches in the time you have been a member. I was on for 10 months and was sent over 400 matches. I communicated with only 6 of them. I met none of them.

The latest man who contacted me via the guided communication told me that I was a very deep thinker and it was a bit intimidating. He said the other women sent to him were not intellectual for the most part.

Thank you for hearing me out. As far as your dating two men, I personally would choose the one I liked best and tell the other one in as kind and gracious manner as possible that you are pursuing another match.

I would be interested in hearing any feedback about the fact that I have had such poor success.



Good luck whatever you decide.



Lovelylady710
I tottally understand your delema, but I think it's better to see more people before you become exclusive too soon. What you may be feeling for one guy so soon in the end may not be what you feel for him after just a few more dates. Have Dinner, spend time w/ as many as you can before getting too serious with one so you can really be sure you found THE ONE! I think Your dates from E harmony can tottally understand that after all they too are searching for THE ONE!

As for Lovely lady response earlier having had 400 matches & only communicated with ony 6 ??? YOU ARE WAY TOO PICKY! Try communicating w/ as many AS POSSIBLE . YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY KNOW THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU UNTILL YOU COMMUNICATE WITH THEM.
Hey...I have had tons of matches in the two years that I have been on EH. I have only met 1 in person! Most guys close me out because of my appearance and weight. Not everyone is successful on these. She might not be picky as you may think.
- February 26th, 2008, 03:19 pm
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2love4ever 2love4ever is offline
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I may think a little differently but I think I have learned some lessons after being on the online dating scene for sometime. I was on a different site before and almost got married; we ended up good friends instead.

I think it is better not to tell one person if you are communicating or seeing another. Keep a sincere heart and be honest to yourself. This way you have control over what happens. The reason I find this better is that people respond to information, and at times it is better not to cave into the emotional "I want to say all" moment. Some guys may be great, but if you tell them you are talking to someone else, they may lose the enthusiasm they had before. You may respond to this loss by closing up yourself, and a good match probably was lost.

You should be honest though and know your heart. I personally think that if you are sleeping with someone; it would be sick to think you are dating others on the same basis. I am a Christian and I don't favor premarital sex, so you have to understand my views in this light.

I have had some great matches on eH; I think one reason is that I have been quite specific about what I want. The men who chose to write to me or continue to correspond are aware of who I am and what I want, by reading my profile.
- February 26th, 2008, 11:04 pm
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mousie mousie is offline
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DinnerAtFive, wrote :

Prior to joining EH in Jan of this year, I was NOT a dater, so I'm not really good at juggling men.

Even having multiple matches in 'guided communication' is a bit much for me...

Last week, I met a FABULOUS guy (we live in different cities). After tons of emails and phone calls, we spent an awesome 4 days together.

Now I'm about to meet another match in another city. Totally different from the first guy, but I kind of like him, too.

The problem is that I kind of feel guilty...

Have any of you dated more than one match? Did you tell the other matches?
In order to make a decision about how your future will progress with someone, I feel that you need to "test the waters" so to speak to make sure that you are making the right decision. When you commit to someone you want to make sure that all the factors that go into that decision are for the right reasons.

I have dated several different women over the past few years, even though, there is a special "one".
- February 27th, 2008, 08:40 am
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mytwocents mytwocents is offline
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2love4ever wrote :

I may think a little differently but I think I have learned some lessons after being on the online dating scene for sometime. I was on a different site before and almost got married; we ended up good friends instead.

I think it is better not to tell one person if you are communicating or seeing another. Keep a sincere heart and be honest to yourself. This way you have control over what happens. The reason I find this better is that people respond to information, and at times it is better not to cave into the emotional "I want to say all" moment. Some guys may be great, but if you tell them you are talking to someone else, they may lose the enthusiasm they had before. You may respond to this loss by closing up yourself, and a good match probably was lost.

You should be honest though and know your heart. I personally think that if you are sleeping with someone; it would be sick to think you are dating others on the same basis. I am a Christian and I don't favor premarital sex, so you have to understand my views in this light.

I have had some great matches on eH; I think one reason is that I have been quite specific about what I want. The men who chose to write to me or continue to correspond are aware of who I am and what I want, by reading my profile.
Good point about "people respond to information". Very valid observations. Thanks for your insight!
- February 27th, 2008, 02:12 pm
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mytwocents wrote :

Great question and answers, folks. This is a common dilemma faced by us all, and I think internet dating presents a unique situation. If someone was meeting a different person in the bar every night, that person would be considered a player. But I believe eHarmony is different because we are getting to know people we have been matched with for the express purpose of seeking a long term relationship (hopefully marriage).In orderto get to know someone, we must invest a fair amount of time, energy, and resources. This is time, energy, and resources that is diverted from other areas of our lives. The more you get to know someone, the more you can incorporate that person into your life, ie. activities with family and existing friends, church attendance, etc. But as a single parent, I can tell you that there has to be some pretty significant relationship building going on before my date is going to be interacting on any level with my children.

I've read in a couple of places a recommendation of being in relationship with someone for 2 years before marrying them. This is sound advice, although it goes against the grain of our impatience and flies in the face of our "instant society". Why bring that up? I've also read recently in Elisabeth Elliot's book, Passion and Purity (a good book for thoughtful consideration by adult singles), "Unless a man is prepared to ask a woman to be his wife, what right has he to claim her exclusive attention? Unless she has been asked to marry him, why would a sensible woman promise any man her exclusive attention? If, when the time has come for a commitment, he is not man enough to ask her to marry him, she should give him no reason to presume that she belongs to him" (153).

I present all of this for thoughtful consideration. We have the opportunity to get to know a lot of people, both in our daily lives and through eHarmony. We don't need to rush into an exclusive relationship with a match just because we've been on a few dates. All that can be easier said than done when our hearts get involved. So guard your heart. Don't give it away too easily. If you do, it won't be cherished. People, men and women, tend to place greater value on things that are harder to come by.

Blessings to you all!

Mytwocents,

Please consider these thoughts;

The two questions and comment from the referenced book, show, perhaps, unintended, but unmistakable bias. Carried on a lady’s shoulders, they can clearly be seen as chips.

Alternates could be:

Every match has the right to claim equal commitment from the other side, as the relationship grows.

To make the relationship grow, sensible participants know they must be willing to commit equally and more deeply to each other on an exclusive basis. A past history of doing the opposite, by either side, will not engender confidence in the other sensible side.

At each step of the way toward deeper commitment, if either side is unwilling to do so, the relationship will not be good for either and is doomed to failure, one way or another.

The almost venomous words in the quotes from the book, typify the rhetoric of the past thirty or forty years in our society, during which great energy has been expended to proclaim that men and women don’t need each other. We have succeeded in convincing ourselves of that and in doing so, have destroyed a good portion of the fabric of our society. To be the least committed, so one can control the relationship; ah yes, that has been the ultimate I/me goal. Oh, to only be able to have it all.

No wonder, with rhetorical questions/statements, such as those quoted, being bandied about, we, collectively, are having trouble making the kind of mutual commitments, it takes to make a long term relationship work between a couple.

And some ladies have wondered out loud in these forums, just why is it men cannot seem to make a commitment these days. Hmmm.

Food for thought for you and your Elisabeth.

Hope this is not too much of a digression from this thread. Sorry, if it is.

Good luck to you.

- March 8th, 2008, 11:59 pm
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FruitaBu FruitaBu is offline
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I definitely don't feel guilty being in open communication with more than one match even if I have met one of them. That is just conversation and I expect my matches to be doing the same thing. I wouldn't really even feel too bad to go out with more than one. It just seems that most of my matches are not local to me and require some travel to meet, so it gets really difficult to coordinate multiple short trips.

One of my matches told me "let's not define anything now. Let's just have fun and not get into all that exclusive vs. dating other people talk. Let's enjoy each other's company and when we find we are spending almost every weekend together, we will know"

I like his approach and I am meeting him in 2 weeks.

- March 9th, 2008, 07:47 am
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