How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
robert2008 is offline robert2008 Post #1  February 12,2008, 2:20am
robert2008's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Pacific Northwest

Posts: 123

See profile



Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
 
  Reply With Quote
swedishtexan is offline swedishtexan Post #2  February 12,2008, 2:28pm
swedishtexan's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Dallas Texas area

Posts: 28

See profile



So do you haveclear recent photos of yourself posted with close up head shots and then full figure shots? I have several photos posted and label myself as average, actually I need to drop 10-15 pounds, but I still look darn good. Most guys tell me they areshocked and thankful that I actually LOOK like my photos?? What is it with people (male and female)who post 10 year old photos, blurry photos, orfar away photos????? I have gone out with guys who when they showed up I did not recognize them...MUCH older and much heavier. A few pounds over 10-15 pounds I can handle, but not 60lbs + and 15 years older. So it is common for both sexes not just the females. Now days with the price of cameras everyone should be able to post decent photos.
 
  Reply With Quote
RubyIU is offline RubyIU Post #3  February 12,2008, 2:32pm
RubyIU's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2008

St. Louis, MO

Posts: 70

See profile

I'd just chalk it up as par for the course and move on if you aren't interested. If a guy told me he'd be interested in me IF I lost weight, I'd be very offended. If she needs to lose weight, it'll have to happen because SHE wants to, not some (*&)* from EH.
 
  Reply With Quote
mjt1st is offline mjt1st Post #4  February 12,2008, 3:52pm
mjt1st's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Atlanta

Posts: 97

See profile



I've had the same experience numerous times with another website. One of the dates actually told methat she listed herself as about average because she wouldn't show up in most mens searches if she listed herself above about average. I was surprised she told me that because it's not a subject I would bring up or really want to talk about on a date.

I agree with you swedishtexan that it does go both ways. I had one date tell me that men have a tendency to lie about their age. I don't know how true that is but she said it was pretty common for the dates she went out on.
 
  Reply With Quote
mws1967 is offline mws1967 Post #5  February 12,2008, 4:25pm
mws1967's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2008

South Central PA

Posts: 34

See profile

I recieved a match where at the bottom of the photo it says 1994.
 
  Reply With Quote
ccminnesota is offline ccminnesota Post #6  February 12,2008, 4:30pm
ccminnesota's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 9

See profile

robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
First off I need to tell you, if you aren't interested in this woman for who she is and can handle her weight, don't call her back - break it off right now. If you continue communication but have a hard time dealing with her weight, it will cause problem after problem later on. She is who she is, you can't change her and she shouldn't want to change for you either.

Secondly, women with weight issues are human, too. We have feelings, emotions, opinions, everything the skinnny girls do, and probably a few more insights to boot. The sad mistake that men make, and women too, is that they think that overweight women have nothing to offer. What a sad view this is because we have so much to offer a realtionship; we are often times more understanding, more caring, and more aware of other's feelings.

I'm not condemning you by any means; I'm just saying that a woman who is even slightly overweight has automatically been given the shaft a lot of the times. Is your attraction to her inside stronger than your attraction to her outside? Something to think about. . . .
 
  Reply With Quote
la_angel is offline la_angel Post #7  February 12,2008, 5:02pm
la_angel's Avatar

can't wait for Opening Day!

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2008

Anaheim

Posts: 11

See profile

I agree that people should post current photos of themselves - no argument there. But the fact that you found a woman that you say is interesting and attractive but you couldn't be 'truly interested' in unless she loses weight, that's just downright wrong. Is it because you would be embarassed to be seen with her as is, or what? Sounds to me like you should just move on until you find your 'right-sized' woman and let her find someone who will appreciate her for who she is.
 
  Reply With Quote
damantid is offline damantid Post #8  February 12,2008, 5:21pm
damantid 's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2007

FL

Posts: 13

See profile

If you can't accept this woman for who she is, overweight and all, then move on. Reality is that if she has a weight issue and she did lose weight to be with you (she'd be crazy to do it for anyone but herself) eventually it would be an issue again. Seems pretty shallow to me, but who am I to judge.
 
  Reply With Quote
EveyDura is offline EveyDura Post #9  February 12,2008, 5:28pm
EveyDura's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 4

See profile

I also agree you should post current photos of themselves.I have posted both close up and fulllength body but those weremy most recent photos.I admit I am one of those who consider myself an average weight (5'6' 200lbs). I carry my weight well proportioned and big chested. I know I could lose a few pounds but not because of how I look but for a better life and health issues.I am still content with myself and how I look. If a man cannot seethe warm and caring person I am in the inside then thank you for your time and move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
Emme is offline Emme Post #10  February 12,2008, 5:30pm

.

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2007

Boston

Posts: 1,275

See profile

robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
I have found that people of both sexes can be incredibly self-deceptive when it comes to their looks. Women lie about weight, age, number of marriages. With men, the number one thing I've found they lie about is height, followed by weight. I have met any number of men who list themselves as 5'9" who are quite a bit shorter than I am (I'm 5'8"). A guy's height doesn't bother me in the least, but the fact that he feels he has to lie about it is a bit of a red flag to me. I don't need someone with a Napoleon complex. Men also frequently describe themselves as physically fit or athletic and toned, etc, when they have a gut that hangs well over their belts, obscuring the belt buckle. I try to forgive the weight thing since many of us hope to magically lose whatever extra packaging we have before the big first date. Of course, that never happens. I always tell my matches in the first open communication email that I am no barbie doll and I have a big frame, lots of muscle (a surprising number of men find that a turn on, just as many hate it) and have a good 20lbs to lose. I have met some men with whom I had no chemistry and they said the same. Whether that is because I turned out to be bigger than they thought I have no way of knowing. But I am always upfront about it and am not at all offended if he closes the match because he doesn't care for my body type. People are attracted to what they're attracted to. Hard to change that. As for the woman you met that you liked, I don't think you can politely say you won't be interested unless she loses weight, but if you like her and enjoy her company, can you tell her you don't feel the chemistry right now but are willing to try another few dates to see if it develops? And then maybe try to do some active things on dates, and see if that brings the issue up for her. There's really no way you can bring it up.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Great first date! | Dating | When they do not answer your question »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The tennis ball story is a good analogy, RD, and that's how I interpret "gut feeling" -- a conclusion/sense of something that's a thought, not a feeling; though it will have feelings associated with ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion

“Agree. Given where you are emotionally, I would cease all communication with Mr. Trade Show. You're vulnerable. He's up for a challenge. It's playing with fire. You'll be in a bad place in the ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Received lovely email from former poofer” discussion

“How about phone calls, then?” –  barbarella_42

Join the “Advice on Response time” discussion

“I have never spoken to a woman like he has. Yeah, I have never spoken to a woman like that either. It is a hard call to whether he is just as jerk, or whether he is a player. Both are feasible ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “So, men. Explain this to me, please!” discussion

“I have come to this same conclusion. Thank you.” –  bibittyboo

Join the “Confused about date #2” discussion

“Harmonygirl, I do not usually make up my mind on blanket situations but instead would examine each one on it's own merits, so I cannot answer your question. However, just in the going about of daily ... ” –  Ephemera

Join the “Atheism, Religion and Tolerance” discussion

“I was ok until the kiss on the cheek part....That doesn't sound like your defenses were up at all... It's one thing for a guy to walk up and start with the cheesy lines....But as soon as I say, "no ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “So this guy walks into a bar . . .” discussion

“ No. It is not wise. You have to throw all your eggs into one basket for love to work at all. Relationships are inherently riskier than careers. You can't use the same rules. You might lose ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Becoming Exclusive” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:03am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0