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robert2008 robert2008 is offline
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Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
- February 12th, 2008, 03:20 am
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swedishtexan swedishtexan is offline
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So do you haveclear recent photos of yourself posted with close up head shots and then full figure shots? I have several photos posted and label myself as average, actually I need to drop 10-15 pounds, but I still look darn good. Most guys tell me they areshocked and thankful that I actually LOOK like my photos?? What is it with people (male and female)who post 10 year old photos, blurry photos, orfar away photos????? I have gone out with guys who when they showed up I did not recognize them...MUCH older and much heavier. A few pounds over 10-15 pounds I can handle, but not 60lbs + and 15 years older. So it is common for both sexes not just the females. Now days with the price of cameras everyone should be able to post decent photos.
- February 12th, 2008, 03:28 pm
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RubyIU RubyIU is offline
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I'd just chalk it up as par for the course and move on if you aren't interested. If a guy told me he'd be interested in me IF I lost weight, I'd be very offended. If she needs to lose weight, it'll have to happen because SHE wants to, not some (*&)* from EH.
- February 12th, 2008, 03:32 pm
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mjt1st mjt1st is offline
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I've had the same experience numerous times with another website. One of the dates actually told methat she listed herself as about average because she wouldn't show up in most mens searches if she listed herself above about average. I was surprised she told me that because it's not a subject I would bring up or really want to talk about on a date.

I agree with you swedishtexan that it does go both ways. I had one date tell me that men have a tendency to lie about their age. I don't know how true that is but she said it was pretty common for the dates she went out on.
- February 12th, 2008, 04:52 pm
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mws1967 mws1967 is offline
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I recieved a match where at the bottom of the photo it says 1994.
- February 12th, 2008, 05:25 pm
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ccminnesota ccminnesota is offline
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robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
First off I need to tell you, if you aren't interested in this woman for who she is and can handle her weight, don't call her back - break it off right now. If you continue communication but have a hard time dealing with her weight, it will cause problem after problem later on. She is who she is, you can't change her and she shouldn't want to change for you either.

Secondly, women with weight issues are human, too. We have feelings, emotions, opinions, everything the skinnny girls do, and probably a few more insights to boot. The sad mistake that men make, and women too, is that they think that overweight women have nothing to offer. What a sad view this is because we have so much to offer a realtionship; we are often times more understanding, more caring, and more aware of other's feelings.

I'm not condemning you by any means; I'm just saying that a woman who is even slightly overweight has automatically been given the shaft a lot of the times. Is your attraction to her inside stronger than your attraction to her outside? Something to think about. . . .
- February 12th, 2008, 05:30 pm
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la_angel la_angel is offline
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I agree that people should post current photos of themselves - no argument there. But the fact that you found a woman that you say is interesting and attractive but you couldn't be 'truly interested' in unless she loses weight, that's just downright wrong. Is it because you would be embarassed to be seen with her as is, or what? Sounds to me like you should just move on until you find your 'right-sized' woman and let her find someone who will appreciate her for who she is.
- February 12th, 2008, 06:02 pm
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damantid damantid is offline
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If you can't accept this woman for who she is, overweight and all, then move on. Reality is that if she has a weight issue and she did lose weight to be with you (she'd be crazy to do it for anyone but herself) eventually it would be an issue again. Seems pretty shallow to me, but who am I to judge.
- February 12th, 2008, 06:21 pm
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EveyDura EveyDura is offline
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I also agree you should post current photos of themselves.I have posted both close up and fulllength body but those weremy most recent photos.I admit I am one of those who consider myself an average weight (5'6' 200lbs). I carry my weight well proportioned and big chested. I know I could lose a few pounds but not because of how I look but for a better life and health issues.I am still content with myself and how I look. If a man cannot seethe warm and caring person I am in the inside then thank you for your time and move on.
- February 12th, 2008, 06:28 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
I have found that people of both sexes can be incredibly self-deceptive when it comes to their looks. Women lie about weight, age, number of marriages. With men, the number one thing I've found they lie about is height, followed by weight. I have met any number of men who list themselves as 5'9" who are quite a bit shorter than I am (I'm 5'8"). A guy's height doesn't bother me in the least, but the fact that he feels he has to lie about it is a bit of a red flag to me. I don't need someone with a Napoleon complex. Men also frequently describe themselves as physically fit or athletic and toned, etc, when they have a gut that hangs well over their belts, obscuring the belt buckle. I try to forgive the weight thing since many of us hope to magically lose whatever extra packaging we have before the big first date. Of course, that never happens. I always tell my matches in the first open communication email that I am no barbie doll and I have a big frame, lots of muscle (a surprising number of men find that a turn on, just as many hate it) and have a good 20lbs to lose. I have met some men with whom I had no chemistry and they said the same. Whether that is because I turned out to be bigger than they thought I have no way of knowing. But I am always upfront about it and am not at all offended if he closes the match because he doesn't care for my body type. People are attracted to what they're attracted to. Hard to change that. As for the woman you met that you liked, I don't think you can politely say you won't be interested unless she loses weight, but if you like her and enjoy her company, can you tell her you don't feel the chemistry right now but are willing to try another few dates to see if it develops? And then maybe try to do some active things on dates, and see if that brings the issue up for her. There's really no way you can bring it up.
- February 12th, 2008, 06:30 pm
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