How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #421  October 6,2009, 8:49pm
GEF2's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 377

See profile

If you think she's attractive and you would go out with her again if she were thinner, then why don't you give her another chance? Not everyone has a 'perfect' body and unless you're completely repulsed by her body, I don't think that you should not give her another chance because you feel that she needs to lose weight. Maybe she's a great person. Maybe she's happy with her appearance or maybe she is trying to lose weight and having a hard time. Believe me, a few extra pounds does not make or break a relationship. If you had a great time with her otherwise, I would go out with her at least one more time. You never know.
 
  Reply With Quote
Big_Bopper is offline Big_Bopper Post #422  October 7,2009, 8:37am
Big_Bopper's Avatar

Burping, Farting, and generally making a pig of myself.

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

Australia

Posts: 52

See profile

I wish you people would get with the program and start talking metric…
[FONT=Calibri]200lbs SOUNDS like a lot, but then I figure it’s actually only about 90kgs. Sadly today, in America and Australia, that is about average.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #423  October 7,2009, 10:32am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 8,300

See profile

You have a right to want whatever you want. You just have to accept the consequences: a smaller (pun intended) dating pool. And possibly passing up the relationship of your life.

I have many times felt initially attracted to a man, then had that fade as we got to know each other. And vice versa. People can grow on you (again, pun...).

I don't think there's any way to tell her you'd be interested if she lost weight. How would you do that? "If you've lost 40 pounds in 6 months, call me"? Of all the women I have ever known, not one would have a positive response to that.
 
  Reply With Quote
NMMinAR is offline NMMinAR Post #424  January 17,2010, 11:54am
NMMinAR's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 2

See profile

Your scrutiny over weight is probably why you are still single. I understand one likes what one likes...it seems that your high, narrow desires in a woman's shape may need to be rethought. Don't rule out relationships with a girl that is, in your opinion, heavy. Expand your mind maybe you will get past "looks" and find "love". Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #425  January 17,2010, 12:15pm
GEF2's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 377

See profile

wrote :
Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...
Oh no. DO NOT tell her that you'll date her but only if she loses weight. Women are extremely sensitive about their weight and if you say that to her, she'll remember it for the rest of her life-I guarantee it! If you don't like her the way she is right now then you need to move on. Its your issue, not hers. She might be a great person and you might like her very much, but if you can't get past the physical, then you need to move on-but don't tell her it was because of her weight-that's a low blow..even if you don't mean to insult her-it will!
 
  Reply With Quote
melman is offline melman Post #426  January 17,2010, 12:32pm
melman's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 2,944

See profile

And what if Miss 200-Lbs had posted profile pictures that were more like a Miss 140-Lbs? Which has happened to me. Sorry, but that doesn't get to pass without comment.
 
  Reply With Quote
natej30 is offline natej30 Post #427  January 17,2010, 1:29pm
natej30's Avatar

is at home.

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2008

Colorado Springs

Posts: 45

See profile

If you're looking for someone who is physically active, and lives that life style, you'll probably want someone else. You've got date the person for who they are, not who they could possibly be if they change to what you want them to be. If you're looking for a fit woman, then wait for a fit woman.
 
  Reply With Quote
marguitar is offline marguitar Post #428  January 17,2010, 1:32pm
marguitar's Avatar

respite is a beautiful thing...

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2009

Wisconsin

Posts: 141

See profile

melman wrote :
And what if Miss 200-Lbs had posted profile pictures that were more like a Miss 140-Lbs? Which has happened to me. Sorry, but that doesn't get to pass without comment.
As well it shouldn't! It's hard for me to believe that so many people actually misrepresent themselves, but if this is the case, and the woman who shows up is "twice the woman she used to be", I don't think she gets a pass on that.

That's just blatant dishonesty, and a rose by any other name...
 
  Reply With Quote
shakeslady is offline shakeslady Post #429  January 19,2010, 7:13pm
shakeslady's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Suburban Philadelphia, PA

Posts: 2

See profile

Reactions to photos are so subjective. It's so interesting when I meet people in person. Some say I look younger than my photos, some say I look older. Some say I'm heavier than they expected, some say I look thinner in person. Some say I look exactly like my photos, some say I look completely different. Most say I'm prettier in person.

They're all looking at the same photos (including a close up and a body shot), so how do you explain the discrepancies in opinion? My suspicion is that most of us tend to build up some sort of fantasy (conscious or not) when we become interested in someone online, and then look at their photos through the lens of what we personally find most attractive. I've know been guilty of that myself. Unless I believe someone is being intentionally deceptive (and some definitely are) I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and really look at the person sitting across from me as if I had no preconceptions about his appearance and see if there's an attraction to the real human being -- physical, mental and/or emotional. Easier said than done, I know, but I find it often pays to keep an open mind.

Of course, if you're genuinely not attracted to a person and you know the attraction is not likely to develop in the future it's better to end things quickly and kindly. No need to go into detail. I usually just say that chemistry is important to me and I didn't feel a spark.
Last edited by shakeslady; January 19,2010 at 7:21pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #430  January 19,2010, 8:39pm
beautifulgeni…'s Avatar

Celebrating life without regrets...

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

Albany, Oregon

Posts: 1,357

See profile

Truthfully, I don't that there is any good way to handle that kind of a problem. If you aren't interested, then that's it. Pictures don't really tell the truth about anyone, no matter how good or bad they look.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Great first date! | Dating | When they do not answer your question »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:55am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0