How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #401  August 19,2009, 1:45am
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He also shaved 5 years off his age. Liar.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #402  August 19,2009, 3:12am
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is upbeat and happy despite the smell of mendacity in the warm spring air!...:)

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Oh geez...another weight thread!

...and the OP posted eons ago....yikes!

*sliding back to my corner...shoving loads of twinkies in my mouth just to irritate and aggravate...and I don't even like twinkies!*...LOL
Last edited by legend29; August 19,2009 at 3:16am.
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #403  August 22,2009, 12:34am
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Twinkies are only 2 bucks this week at Safeway for a 10 count. Hostess is the Mostest.
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #404  August 22,2009, 12:36am
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What the OP, and others like him with similar concerns should do, is request a full body photo with a time stamp before talking on the phone or meeting.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #405  August 22,2009, 3:04am
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bluskies4ever wrote :
What the OP, and others like him with similar concerns should do, is request a full body photo with a time stamp before talking on the phone or meeting.
Might it be more appropriate to request that people in general post current and representative photos? Many who are oversized, out of shape (or "too short for their weight") use photos that conceal rather than reveal.
 
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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #406  August 22,2009, 9:38am
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I agree very much- I do not have an ad here at eHarmony...but I have, in the past. Women and men both do it, probably as often as the other. I once saw an exceptional ad that belonged to a man in a wheelchair; he had a fantastic smile, a full profile with a very good outline of what he was about; and the headline was the best:

This is How I Roll





JDavid wrote :
Might it be more appropriate to request that people in general post current and representative photos? Many who are oversized, out of shape (or "too short for their weight") use photos that conceal rather than reveal.
 
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organizedmayhem is offline organizedmayhem Post #407  August 22,2009, 10:56am
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Fleuellen wrote :
Oh, I've known not a few voluptuous women (eyes glaces over with far oft memories). But pixualted man, what every gets your rocks off. There are enough greyhounds about. And I sppose one might always loose weight. Don't know what you can do if your're dog face ugly, though.
Aussies are the best!
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #408  August 22,2009, 1:56pm
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JDavid wrote :
Might it be more appropriate to request that people in general post current and representative photos? Many who are oversized, out of shape (or "too short for their weight") use photos that conceal rather than reveal.
You are who you are. There's no excuse for deceptive behavior.
 
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NightengalesSong is offline NightengalesSong Post #409  August 23,2009, 2:06am
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Forty one pages of replies. Good grief! But I'll join this party. (Disclaimer: I DIDN'T read through all forty-one pages though.)

I think people should post CURRENT and REPRESENTATIVE photos of themselves. Period. Anything else is deceptive. However, I can understand why an overweight person would post a photo of when they were thinner. It's human nature to want to show your best side and hope that when they meet you that they will be attracted regardless.

I'm 33, 4'10" and 92 lbs. And I TOTALLY sympathize and empathize with anyone who's overweight and has posted a photo of when they were thinner and then gone through the agony of a first date and then rejection.

You see, I have a very rare skin condition which is similar to psoriasis but is MUCH more severe. (Think psoriasis multiplied by a factor of 10. People have asked me if I've been burned.) I only post a head and shoulder photo on my profile because the skin condition doesn't show up there. But it's not something I can hide. If you meet me, you WILL notice it. In my communication with my matches, I ALWAYS tell them before the first date and explain it to prepare them. It's not fair not to mention it at all.

Inevitably though, a large number of people, just can't handle it/deal with it when they meet me, period. The amount of rejection in online dating is just enormous. It's very easy to let it get to you and let it destroy your self-esteem.

Threads about the appearance/weight issue are always popping up here and after many, many dates with online matches, my answer to the attraction issue is this:

What people SHOULD be attracted to and accept versus what they ARE attracted to and accept is completely IRRELEVANT. Yes, I said irrelevant. (Not to mention a complete waste of time and energy when debating it.)

The person you choose to be with/marry is incredibly personal. It's the most personal/intimate relationship in your life. And you must be physically attracted to the person you're with. Period. anyone who says that physical attraction isn't a factor for them is LYING. Probably to themselves.

You might feel you WANT TO/SHOULD BE politically correct, but in reality, political correctness has almost no place in choosing a partner. You'll be physically attracted to the person you're with -- or you wouldn't be with them.

It's easy to say that someone can just eat healthy and exercise more and lose weight. It's much harder to do and sometimes ther are other uncontrollable factors in play (like metabolism problems). So those who are so insensitive and cavalier as to say "Just eat right and lose weight" need to take that into consideration. (I have a girlfriend from college who has just this issue. She's overweight but it has something to do with her metabolism. It's NOT a gluttony problem or an unhealthy lifestyle issue. Fortunately, she DID meet someone through online dating and they've been happily married for over six years now.)

For someone like me, born with a genetic condition I have no control over, it's much harder to deal with, namely BECAUSE I have no control over it. Yet appearance is such a huge issue. I HATE it that I'm judged and rejected out of hand over something I cannot control. I don't know if I can really express the depths of my discouragement and despair in dating because of this issue.

Yet I know that physical attraction is such a crucial part of a romantic relationship. It MUST be there. The funny thing is, sometimes, we're attracted to people we never imagined we might be attracted to. Sometimes, there's just no rhyme or reason to it. And on a certain level, we really don't have a whole lot of control over who we're attracted to and who we're not attracted to. Either we are or we aren't. Period.

So I try very hard not to agonize over whether or not someone is attracted to me. Either they are or they aren't. And if they're not, I move on VERY quickly. No sense in dragging it out and getting my feelings hurt.

On the surface, it might seem cold, but approaching it in this somewhat business-like manner has saved me a lot of heartache. I meet someone for the first time and if there's chemistry there, we meet again for a second date. For obvious reasons, I keep my guard up for several dates. I don't trust very easily or get deeply involved with anyone very quickly for these exact reasons.

What I ask from anyone I date though this honesty. I assure them that I'm well aware that the skin condition is likely to be an issue and that if it is, please just let me know and I'll move on. I'd much prefer that someone be honest with me than date me out of pity. I'm a big girl and can handle it. Pity dates are so incredibly patronizing.

Basically, I'm giving them permisson to reject me. I've found that this is almost necessary since so many people aren't sure how to handle it and don't want to hurt my feelings.

I try to return the favor. If I go out with someone I'm not attracted to, I tell them I'm not interested right away, usually in an e-mail the next day. (Yes, I'm chicken.)

First, I think it's important to do it right away so that they're not left dangling and wondering if I'm interested. (I don't feel that not communicating with them ever again is an appropriate way to reject someone. It's rude.)

Second, I try to be as kind and tactful as possible. I don't even mention WHY I'm not interested. I just write something along the lines of "Thanks for the dinner [or whatever it was]. I really enjoyed my time with you [if I did. I never lie about it.]. However, I don't feel we're a match. I wish you the very best in finding who you're looking for."

It's honest and tactful and I haven't left them dangling, wondering if I'm interested.

And that's it. Simple and easy and you haven't hurt their feelings uneccessarily with something you said. (Yes, I know the rejection itself will hurt.)

To the OP, I agree with the others, don't EVER tell a match you'd be interested IF she lost weight. That's incredibly insulting. If you're not interested, you're not interested. Period. Move on.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Michelle
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #410  August 23,2009, 3:05am
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organizedmayhem wrote :
Aussies are the best!

Well, I'd be stupid to argue with that statement, considering what my passport has to say about the subject matter.

But I'm with the Legend on this one - why are we still discussing this pixilated problem 6 months later?

And can I pease have some of those twinkies now? (they sound good but what are they, by the way?)
 
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