How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #21  February 13,2008, 12:41pm
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Oddly cropped, touched up, and outdated pictures, no matter how you slice it, is a lie of omission and comission. If you are a liar, as far as I am concerned, your out!
 
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DinnerAtFive is offline DinnerAtFive Post #22  February 13,2008, 1:43pm
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If you'll never be able to see beyond her weight, it's best to just end this now. That said, if you find her interesting, would you be missing out a very good friend by not taking more time to get to know her?

I recently metmatch, and while I don't think we'll be appearing on an eHarmony wedding success story commercial, I honestly think we'll be friends for a long time. We so compatible as friends, and we know it. We even finish each other's sentences (and did from the first date).

The hold ups are career-related (actually they're kind of deal breakers for me), but I find him interesting, attractive, and I'm we're even planning a vacation together.

We're both in the relationship with no expectations.
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #23  February 13,2008, 2:46pm

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I totally agree with MW - if we can't be truthful in something as "minor" as our profile & photos on eH, then things don't bode well for other more important life/relationship issues.
 
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DianaInHouston is offline DianaInHouston Post #24  February 13,2008, 3:45pm
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If she is going to lie to you (or fudge the truth), show her what honesty is. Tell her why you are not going to continue the match. Even if you decide to continue the match, you should tell her the truth.

I have a very vague (but accurate) picture on my profile because after a recent surgery I had to take steroids which made me gain weight. I have been exercising and have lost 16 of those lbs but still do not feel good placing a full body picture on my profile (if I wanted to lie I could place a 1 year ago pic ofsize 2). HOWEVER, I do letmen know during open communication of the situation.

Lieslay a very bad fountation for a relationship.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #25  February 13,2008, 5:55pm

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I have trouble with this one because a lot of this is subjective....is she really 200 pounds? Did she really lie? Or did you just imagine her smaller and thinner and when you saw her she didn't match your fantasy?

A hazard of online dating....even when pictures are accurate they are not 3 dimensional and our minds fill in the blanks...sometimes we imagine what we want to imagine and its really not the other person's fault. I have learned that some men do lie about their height and stature...but my imagination might add a few inches or pounds to them too. I know now when I meet people in person they rarely look as good as they do in my imagination...I know that is my problem and not theirs.

I actually tend to post pictures of myself that are not even the best because I know our minds do this, well do it. And I think people look "distorted" at first...they may actually be very attractive but when you meet in person, they might look yucky or worse because it doesn't perfectly match you think its supposed to match.....I've experienced this and then hours into the date I get used to the person and they get more attractive as I realize who they really are. (I hope my dates are as forgiving...)

I've literally noticed one guy size me up and calculate my weight before. No he didn't say it out loud but I knew he was thinking it. I have to wonder if your date is 200 pounds...or maybe just a bit more than you imagined....though I do have a friend who is very overweight and (more than 200 pounds) and also is less than up front about this, I know it does happen.

Anyway, I have a few full length pictures up....and to be honest I really hate that I have to. I am not ashamed of them, the fact is that the only full length pictures I have tend to be taken on big nights out, in Las Vegas and stuff like that and it also sends the wrong message, or it can. But I feel like I dont have a lot of choices.....I dont mean to be suggestive but I feel like you are automatically considered fat if you dont post a picture of some leg. lol. I have other pictures where I am wearing a jacket and jeans and I can just see the men trying to calculate my waist to hip ratio.....really its just a yucky feeling sometimes.

Anyway my advice to people is just to try not to imagine what is not there....and sometimes realize your the one lying to yourself. Your imaginatin filled in the blanks, sometimes its not the other person being deceptive...though sometimes it is...and if that is the case, well its usually time to move on and let that person learn the lesson, but be kind. they will eventually get it on their own without someone painting it out in red letters.
 
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swedishtexan is offline swedishtexan Post #26  February 14,2008, 9:31am
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mws1967,60645 wrote :
I'm 5'-11" and that's what I list on my page. I could easily pass for 6' but I'm almost to honest to a fault I guess. What really makes me laugh is I'm taller than most guys who claim to be 6'. lol
I laughed when I read you comments. I am 5'10" (per my doctors) and I do seem taller than most guys who claim to be 6'. I also get numeorus guys who are 5'5"ish who want to date. My hang-up, not theirs, I just have a problemtrying todance with a guy when he is staring at my chest and not my face.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #27  February 14,2008, 10:40am

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I am 5'5"(just a smidge over that)I actually use 5'6'' while internet dating because it leaves more room for the internet liars to fudge (maybe I should use 5'8" to cover the hells thing). I think, well...guys often lie about their height. I am easily 5'6' in regular shoes so I might as well make this very clear so he can respond accordingly, or his own lies won't suprise him so much when I tower over him. I think men lying about height was more rampant a few years ago...it became so common I suspect more realize to be honest about it (or I try to take responsibility and think I only imagined hed be taller!)
 
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163lisa is offline 163lisa Post #28  February 14,2008, 10:29pm
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First of all, Robert, kudos to you for such an honest post. And shame on those of you who are taking him to task for being honest in the first place. I have to say, as an "average" sized woman (5'4, 130-135 pounds) that when I see someone post that they are 5'6 and 200 pounds and consider themselves "average" in size, that they are completely deluding themselves. To me, average size would mean a BMI within range of your given height.

A woman standing 5'6 weighing 200 pounds isn't even overweight - they are considered "Obese Class l" and at high risk for health complications. At that height a healthy weight would be between 115-155.

I have also had the disappointment of meeting men who completely lied about their height/weight. I had one who didn't even post photos of him, they were of his BROTHER.

Physical attraction is a huge part of the chemistry between two people and it can not be faked.
 
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robert2008 is offline robert2008 Post #29  February 14,2008, 11:10pm
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cp30,60958 wrote :

I am 5'5" (just a smidge over that) I actually use 5'6'' while internet dating because it leaves more room for the internet liars to fudge...
That's really funny - it's height inflation!
 
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robert2008 is offline robert2008 Post #30  February 14,2008, 11:19pm
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cp30,60752 wrote :

I have trouble with this one because a lot of this is subjective....is she really 200 pounds? Did she really lie? Or did you just imagine her smaller and thinner and when you saw her she didn't match your fantasy?

[...]

I do have a friend who is very overweight and (more than 200 pounds) and also is less than up front about this, I know it does happen.

[...]

Anyway, I have a few full length pictures up....and to be honest I really hate that I have to.
You raise some good issues. I guess 200 because I know what 170 - 180 lbs / 5'4" looks like - I have a really good female friend who shares her weight with me as it changes.

Thanks for your honest anecdote about your friend who lies about her weight. It's too bad she's setting herself up for failure.

What an interesting issue that you feel somewhat forced to put up the full-body pictures. I don't... but as a male, I guess it's different, since it's the height that's usually the issue - and I put my height accurately at 5'7". In my pictures you see me from the chest up, just because -- those are the pictures of me I happen to like. And I'm "height / weight proportionate" (170 lbs / 5'7"), so I feel like my body looks how you'd expect.

And in contrast: If I *did* put up a full body picture, I think there might be something somewhat exhibitionistic. :-)
 
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