How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


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screamfree is offline screamfree Post #281  March 1,2008, 4:03pm
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I purposely post a couple of close-up shots that I think show my personality -- I don't want to be judged on my body. I just want a good match for me and someone who screens on body type isn't a good match for me.However, at some point in open communication, well before meeting, I do send matches other photos that show different perspectives or show me and my kids, so they won't feel like I've tried to deceive.

I've also felt deceived, especially by profile that said 5'6" in the profile and turned out to be closer to 5'3", when I'm 5'8" and a heel wearer (wait, am I supposed to put in my profile that I wear heels lest I be labeled purposely deceptive?)Although, honestly, I probably would have closed out someone who was 5'3", probably because that's my own insecurity about not wanting to be larger than the guy.

I thought it was an interesting post about the guy with the black teeth. That would have turned me off, too, especially if it were a surprise.

In my own experience, if a guy mentions multiple times in his profile about his passion for physical fitness, etc. Fine, mention it once, twice if you are REALLY into it, but by the 4th or 5th time, I am figuring you're not a balanced person.

Anyway, it's an interesting thread.
 
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Dianimal is offline Dianimal Post #282  March 1,2008, 4:04pm
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robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
I'm on the other side of this issue. Because of stresses in my life, I am much heavier than I have ever been, but struggle and want to get back to the size and "hot bod" I once had. Unfortunately, many men don't even want to give an overweight woman a chance. (I commend you for at last doing that.) Believe it or not, but some women don't like being overweight. Speaking only for myself, I think that meeting someone would help to make a major difference in accomplishing my goal. While I don't need a man to make me happy, the attention of a man makes me feel better about myself and, in turn, makes me feel more enthusiastic and committed to do what I need to do to reach my goals to make both myself and my man even happier.
 
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harmonypeace1 is offline harmonypeace1 Post #283  March 1,2008, 4:41pm
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robert2008,60486 wrote :

Hi everyone -

Thanks for all the feedback. I completely agree that people of both sexes have issues with being honest - I'm sorry to imply that it was just a problem with women. It's fascinating, actually, how each gender seems to want to be dishonest about different attributes.

And to the women who posted about taking the time to see what's inside, and how a woman's weight isn't all that there is to her: Thanks for posting -- I appreciate that you did. I believe, though, that this is a very subtle issue with lots of gray areas. For example,

Personally, I've usually dated women who were 'plus sized'. I've also dated women who were fairly thin. It's not a huge issue for me -- intelligence is the number one thing that I'm attracted to. But this has got me into trouble; in at least two cases, I stuck with a relationship for a long time because the woman was amazing, although I wasn't truly, viscerally, attracted to her. Or rather, periodically turned off might be a better way to phrase it.

So I'm making an attempt to NOT ignore appearance and weight issues. My message to you is that it's not really an issue of "not caring what's inside" ... it's actually about attraction, which is something that one cannot fake, or force oneself to have, enough if one wants to.
I know what you mean regarding size and you can't help what you find attractive, but surely there must be something more to a connection than looks or size; I know of men who married slim women who did'nt remain slim after years of marraige. Would that be grounds for divorce or should weight maintenance be a clause in prenups? Its a very sticky subject and I myself am partial to slim, very slim men, but I am open to compromise based on personality. Perhaps compromise is the operative word since nobody's perfect. Having said all that, dont marry someone unless you love them dearly, cos then, love covers a multitude of sins, and a few extra pounds too. Good luck to everyone in our search.
 
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mmedina918 is offline mmedina918 Post #284  March 1,2008, 4:49pm
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yumiblu,65648 wrote :
robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
WOW!!! This is the most popular blog here. I find it interesting and am concerned by so many having had the same experience. I have had several and being the curious person that I am, I simply asked the question; why weren't you honest with your weight? Each and every time, I received a pleasant response. Over weight people want love too and they all felt if we met in person I would still like them, despitethe weight issue.
I have to say that I haven't received any communications - and I don't want to be paranoid - but the popularity of this post makes me think...someone looked at my picture and thought ..."she's too fat"..... I think this because when I was younger and thinner - I had date proposals every week...now it's been years since I've been on a date....hence, my logging onto e-harmony ...with the hope that I would meet someone who was interested in more than looks...someone who would look for wit, humor, personality...etc.etc....but then I find myself looking at pictures and thinking to myself...is this how he really looks?....LOL....I guess we all want the beauty with the package....anyway....I guess I'llwhen it's time torenew e-harmony, I'lluse the money to go to the gym LOL
 
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RRRed is offline RRRed Post #285  March 2,2008, 12:14am
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Look2Life, right on, right on, right on! I agree with you, and Robert2008. Chemistry is VERY important. Honesty is even more so! and MY BABY LOVES ME - you need to light up on Robert... after reading your comment it seemed clear to me that you were struggling to convince yourself of your qualities, more than anyone else. And before you get "ALL" hurt and defensive again, I am also fat. So what! Who cares! Be honest!
 
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tanrat7 is offline tanrat7 Post #286  March 2,2008, 2:10am
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robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
I think that you are too shallow and need to realize that an attractive body is not the only thing that is important in a great relationship.
 
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tanrat7 is offline tanrat7 Post #287  March 2,2008, 2:17am
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look2life,60558 wrote :
robert2008,60486 wrote :

Hi everyone -

Thanks for all the feedback. I completely agree that people of both sexes have issues with being honest - I'm sorry to imply that it was just a problem with women. It's fascinating, actually, how each gender seems to want to be dishonest about different attributes.

And to the women who posted about taking the time to see what's inside, and how a woman's weight isn't all that there is to her: Thanks for posting -- I appreciate that you did. I believe, though, that this is a very subtle issue with lots of gray areas. For example,

Personally, I've usually dated women who were 'plus sized'. I've also dated women who were fairly thin. It's not a huge issue for me -- intelligence is the number one thing that I'm attracted to. But this has got me into trouble; in at least two cases, I stuck with a relationship for a long time because the woman was amazing, although I wasn't truly, viscerally, attracted to her. Or rather, periodically turned off might be a better way to phrase it.

So I'm making an attempt to NOT ignore appearance and weight issues. My message to you is that it's not really an issue of "not caring what's inside" ... it's actually about attraction, which is something that one cannot fake, or force oneself to have, enough if one wants to.
I'm glad to see that you are being honest with yourself and are not ignoring appearance and weight issues. The politically correct thing these days is to pretend that these things don't matter and that it is only what is inside that counts. And I agree that many overweight women have some very admirable qualities. But the other side of the coin is that in most cases, severe overweight is a symptom of "issues" that the individual has and is often in denial of. (Note, I said most, not ALL. Yes, some people have medical conditions they have no control over.) As for anyone, man or woman, who is 5' 6', 200 lbs, and consider themselves average... They are in denial of reality.
You have no right to judge any "overweight" person as their weight indicating that they have issues any more than you can try to say that a slim person does not have issues. I also think you seem very shallow, and only care about someones body, and I also think that you will have trouble finding true love because you are so shallow and only care about a person's physical apperance.
 
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DinnerAtFive is offline DinnerAtFive Post #288  March 2,2008, 7:13am
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CallMeGroovy,65646 wrote :

But regarding your dilemma. Hopefully your profile includes clues to help women understand their potential with you. You could include a simple line or two like one of the following:

1) "The woman who steals my heart does so honestly. She would never midrepresent herself and her accomplishments online or elsewhere. Hey, I'm letting you know what I look like with my recent photo and truthful physical description (yes, I reallyam 6' tall and weigh 190 pounds, and though I'm 52 my friends tell me I don't look over 45.)
That's one of the best things I've read on this thread! Bravo!
 
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Luvbluekat is offline Luvbluekat Post #289  March 2,2008, 8:11am
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robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
Hi Robert

I had the same problem but with another online dating service who I was getting picked on my picture alone, Eharmony is more of a dating service, matching people to likes and dislikes NOT physical appearance selection only. Sure not everyone is photogenic or maybe posting head shots only

But cmon, are you genuinly looking for a skinny model who takes photos very well ? Seems alittle shallow, considering most women are average size , I dont know, sounds like Match.com would be perfect for you.

My guess is if she found the right guy, she would want to lose some weight to have someone to impress, the call is yours, but there is no way to communicate to your plus size date just what you want without hurting her feelings...nobody is perfect and if she suggested you shave your head or grow an inch in height, my guess is you would be offended

Best wishes in your search





 
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ctusteve is offline ctusteve Post #290  March 2,2008, 8:34am
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FIRST OF ALL,I FEEL IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. I FEEL THE WOMEN SUBMIT PHOTOS 20 YEARS OLD. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR THE TENNIS PLAYER TYPE , THE KIND YOU SEE ON A VIAGRA COMMERCIAL, WHO DRIVES A BMW,A WINTER VILLA IN THE SOUTH OF SPAIN,AND IS TIRED OF DATING SUPER MODELS. AND WOMEN,STOP WITH THE PHOTOS TAKEN WITH YOUR GRAND KIDS.UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MICHAEL JACKSON TO DATE,THIS IS A BIG TURN OFF!---AND GUYS,YOU'RE FAT,BALDING,AND HAVE SKID MARKS IN YOUR SHORTS. YOU MAY BE ON HEART MEDICATION ALSO, AND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE WRINKLE FREE 30 YEAR OLD TO FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. FELLAS,YOU ARE NOT JOHN McCAIN AND YOU DO NOT HAVE HIS MONEY. DATING CAN GET TO BE EXPENSIVE.LIKE A TURKEY SHOOT. SO FOR THE BOTH OF YOU...BE PAINFULLY HONEST BEFORE MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME...BEST OF LUCKTO ALL OF YOU,INCLUDING MYSELF, CTUSTEVE
 
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