How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person

To be honest, I am extremely up front and honest with everyone I meet online. I state that I have "unwanted" extra padding and that I am in the process of losing more weight. I am currently 5'1", 180 and a size 14. Mind you, 2 years ago, I was 230 and a size 20. I lost 50 pounds in about 4 months (2 years ago via South Beach Diet) and I've maintained that. I'm working on the next 50 this year! I go to the gym everyday for a minimum of 1 hour. I always post pics of what I look like today, not in 1993. Honestly, who are these people kidding when they do this, they are only setting themselves up for disaster, ridicule and rejection. I'd like to date guys who are active and into maintaining a healthy lifestyle and I end up with them believe it or not. They find that I am very attractive, not only physically but mentally because I exude confidence rather than negativity about my image. I think I am a great catch. I'm pretty, awesome personality, financially secure with a great career! So who cares if I have a few extra pounds right now. I always say, atleast I am not unattractive with a hot body- who wants to be a Butter Face??? LOL

Mr. Right, here I come!!!! I have a date tonight as a matter of fact with someone whom I met online. He's seen my pics and willing to meet me! He's even got tentative plans set for Sunday for us too! See what I mean???? Be honest and confident and you'll meet him or her! If the one you like isn't into you b/c of your weight, I say "NEXT!"

Happy Leap Day Everyone!!! Take a leap and do something different and daring!!

Hawt!

Anyway, I have no problems with a girl weighing close to what I weigh, if there's some reason to it. I don't mind girls that are taller than me, and I wouldn't mind a girl who's actually stronger than me (though that seems rather unlikely).

However, this is _not_ subjective. Weight is determined by a number of variables, including fat, muscle, height, width, and bone. If a girl is shorter than me, has a smaller frame than me, and is weaker than me, they are not "average." There's no subjectivity to it.

Good post. I have over my lifetime dated women like you, of Nordic descent, and they not only weighed more than I do but were as strong or stronger than me. LOL



I'm not exactly weak myself, work in a business where I have to regularly move heavy equipment by hand and people are usually surprised when they see what I can do. Now, I have never had a date with someone as small as that other girl described herself. That wouldn't bother me, but what does seem to be attractive to me is proportion, although for me within a fairly wide range.



I knew my ex-wife for 7 years. I never did know her weight until I was looking over some paperwork during the divorce. She was an inch shorter than me and it turns out she weighed 25 lbs more than I did. That was actually a surprise, but was never a problem during our time together.



But looking back on it now the reason for her keeping that information from me, (and a LOT of other things LOL), was her own insecurities. That turned out to be much more important.

When something is a fact it doesn't just go away because you consider it stereotyping. I don't think overweight people are in denial of being overweight. I think MOST fat people know they are FAT.



What they are in denial of is the reasons why they are overweight. Lack of discipline, using food for comfort, substituting food for relationships, afraid to be attractive, hurt by someone in the past. I'm sure a therapast could give a long list of reasons. There is only one reason for being overweight that should not be a red flag for being in denial of some issue and that is a medical condition or medication that causes weight gain.



By the way, this all applies to anyone severely UNDERweight as well. Or some one who covers their entire body with tatoos. Or has 50 piercings. Do I really need to go on? All these things just scream "UNRESOLVED ISSUES". You might as well wear a neon sign.



Like it or not there are a few that are in denial of being FAT. Like the 5'2" woman who listed on her profile on another dating site "A few extra lbs." and shortly before meeting her informed me that she needed to lose 150+ lbs. Never did meet, this was an outright lie and that alone was enough for me to close it right then.



Yes We all have issues. Anyone who claims they have none... Big Red Flag.



You said: I can honestly say that I'm probably happier than most people, even most thin/in shape people. I have an awesome family, friends, excellent career, make great $, have a great house and am happy. I have confidence and self-esteem and am strong and independent. I'm genuinely happy with my life...which is more than many people can say. I think you protest too much. LOL You certainly have an anger issue on this subject.

Ok, I'm just going to laugh this one off....anger issue...lol.....yeah...I guess I'm protesting because there are so many people that think like you....lack of discipline? yeah...II've had lack of discipline with my weight but my question to you...have you ever had a weight problem. It's not just about math: calories in must be less than calories burned. There are other factors like the emotional eating like you said but even if someone is doing everything right, eating right, exercising, avoiding junk food, it's still hard to lose weight. There are so many people that look at a fat person and think "they have no self control" yeah, I've felt like that before and it's a shitty feeling. Will power is a hard thing, seems harder with women than men becuase men seem to be more able to drop pounds easier and control their food because they don't get the cravings we get. Question...do you eat over emotional issues? out of boredom? out of happiness? out of sadness? Thin people do it too, so that's not JUST an overweight issue. Now as far as hurt in the past by someone causing someont to overeat or substituting a relationship with food or afraid of being attractive? That's an assumption. Some people are afraid of what they'd lose if they lost weight or gave up certain comfort foods and some do substitut food for people.

I absolutely agree that someone saying he/she's a few extra pounds but needs to lose 150#s shouldn't be categorizing their body like that and should be using the BBW description. THAT will only hurt the person lying because she's NOT going to find someone. I've lost 80# and at that high weight before losing, I'd never had lied like that. And now I'm glad that I am getting my ISSUES under control although I still have no discipline when it comes to chocolate...just like some have no discipline with alcohol or gambling or sex.

Anyway, we both obviously disagree but agree on some things. I just don't think it's right to say there's ISSUES when everyone that walks the planet has issues. Some people drink too much, some eat too much, some work too much, some play video games too much, some spend too much $.

Abashment, I do think its subjective....you might not be attracted to someone at whatever height/weight ratio -- but I think when you are talking 200 pounds or less its best to leave it up to that persons doctor if that is considered obese/risky/unhealthy or whatever. I think it would be safe to say most people under 6 feet should not weigh more than 300 pounds, for their health.

But you can't really say what is right for someone else within that range, in my opinion. You can say what you are more than likely attracted to, though I'd bet you would be in for a fe suprpises...in lots of cases.

see....this is extremely subjective.* Just because you are a dude and you weight X amount and are X amount tall does not make a female of the same or less height and same or less weight be X.

I was doing some google searching last night....not only do women lie about their weight, most don't ever ever tell it.* Beucase they know men need to feel strong and dominant, if the men knew what those beutiful women weighed it would challenge a stereotype they have believed their whole llives...or worse...a fantasy, that he is a big strong man and all women MUST be smaller than him or there is something wrong with her!!!

I also think a lot of this has to do with heritage.* For instance, I am (among other things) of Nordic descent.* I weigh more than other people, I just do.* I probably weigh more than most Asian dudes (yeah I know I am saying dude a lot, its the only thing making me laugh on this topic) who are the same height as me....sorry to offend Asian dudes but you know its probably true. That doesn't make me fat, it just means I come from a long lineage of Hot and Strapping Vikings....sorry.*

Just making a point here....we all come in different shapes, sizes, and bone chemisty, muscle density...and by the way does anyone have any idea how much one large Boob can weight? yeah didn't think so guys.* You want it all.....but you cant stand the fact that an athletic woman with boobs and a butt might actually weigh close to what you weigh.

She might not either, as the girl above wrote about how petitie she is.* That is fine too.* We are all different my problem is people making snap judgements on something as variable as weight.*

Seriously, stick to pictures....thanks and kudos to Eharmony for completley avoiding weight/body type in the profile.

We have all met people we were unfortunatley not attracted to.* We get over it and move on.* Probing questions about "how much do you excercise" make you sound like a cad.* Just dont date people who dont fit your mold....be picky from the start and try not to change someone into being who YOU think they should be.

I wasn't talking about my preferences for women (I'm more accepting than I come off as on these boards), nor the health effects of weight, danger zones, etc. I understand that social pressures force women to lie about their weight, which causes a vicious cycle, possibly leading to eating disorders, etc. I think it's wrong that a woman who is very attractive and has an acceptable proportion of body fat to feel bad about her weight.

... However, I think if I can admit to myself that I am overweight, then a woman who is in worse shape than me needs to accept the same. A girlwho is 5.9" and 230 cannot callherself average unless they are body builders. Being in denial about the social-acceptability of one's body is not going to do anyone favors.

I wasn't talking about my preferences for women (I'm more accepting than I come off as on these boards), nor the health effects of weight, danger zones, etc. I understand that social pressures force women to lie about their weight, which causes a vicious cycle, possibly leading to eating disorders, etc. I think it's wrong that a woman who is very attractive and has an acceptable proportion of body fat to feel bad about her weight.

... However, I think if I can admit to myself that I am overweight, then a woman who is in worse shape than me needs to accept the same. A girl*who is 5.9" and 230 cannot call*herself average unless they are body builders. Being in denial about the social-acceptability of one's body is not going to do anyone favors.