How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
BILLGOLF is offline BILLGOLF Post #11  February 12,2008, 4:40pm
BILLGOLF's Avatar

Easter 2009 at church

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2007

ST LOUIS MO

Posts: 1,124

See profile

swedishtexan,60260 wrote :

So do you haveclear recent photos of yourself posted with close up head shots and then full figure shots? I have several photos posted and label myself as average, actually I need to drop 10-15 pounds, but I still look darn good. Most guys tell me they areshocked and thankful that I actually LOOK like my photos?? What is it with people (male and female)who post 10 year old photos, blurry photos, orfar away photos????? I have gone out with guys who when they showed up I did not recognize them...MUCH older and much heavier. A few pounds over 10-15 pounds I can handle, but not 60lbs + and 15 years older. So it is common for both sexes not just the females. Now days with the price of cameras everyone should be able to post decent photos.
Goodness gracious, I have met some women who sound like some of the larger/older men you have described here. Although they were not quite as much older as the guys you have referenced. It would be nice if everyone had a true date taken note for each photo. I suspect the level of no visual contact gives some folks a feeling they can BS their way though this by email/phone contact.

Are we having fun yet? Bill
 
  Reply With Quote
Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #12  February 12,2008, 5:03pm

It's almost time folks.....

Unregistered

Joined: Jan 2008

MA

Posts: 3,852

See profile

Hi Robert, I agree that it's annoying when this happens, for numerous reasons. I also agree with some of the other posts here though - that it will be difficult to communicate your feelings without sounding like you're the one with the problem. I too would just say "move on". I did also have a similar experience recently - met a guy who I'd invested a lot of time and energy in, but in person he was shorter than he'd said he was - listed as 5'10" & he was about 5'7". Also it was clear that his photo was taken about 5 years and 40lbs ago. You know, if he'd posted new photos and listed his real height I'd still have liked him as much - but the deception thing was something I couldn't get aorund. I never saw him again.
 
  Reply With Quote
robert2008 is offline robert2008 Post #13  February 12,2008, 8:44pm
robert2008's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Pacific Northwest

Posts: 123

See profile



Hi everyone -

Thanks for all the feedback. I completely agree that people of both sexes have issues with being honest - I'm sorry to imply that it was just a problem with women. It's fascinating, actually, how each gender seems to want to be dishonest about different attributes.

And to the women who posted about taking the time to see what's inside, and how a woman's weight isn't all that there is to her: Thanks for posting -- I appreciate that you did. I believe, though, that this is a very subtle issue with lots of gray areas. For example,

Personally, I've usually dated women who were 'plus sized'. I've also dated women who were fairly thin. It's not a huge issue for me -- intelligence is the number one thing that I'm attracted to. But this has got me into trouble; in at least two cases, I stuck with a relationship for a long time because the woman was amazing, although I wasn't truly, viscerally, attracted to her. Or rather, periodically turned off might be a better way to phrase it.

So I'm making an attempt to NOT ignore appearance and weight issues. My message to you is that it's not really an issue of "not caring what's inside" ... it's actually about attraction, which is something that one cannot fake, or force oneself to have, enough if one wants to.
 
  Reply With Quote
Canuck_Duck is offline Canuck_Duck Post #14  February 13,2008, 5:07am
Canuck_Duck's Avatar

is at work.

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2008

Posts: 6

See profile



This was a good thread and made me think that maybe my photo isn't closeup enough.. thing is I LOVE the photo! It's me in my truck and darn cute.. even put it on a coffee mug. I don't feel the need to lie about my weight because it's largely muscle.. no not large muscles but I have a very physically demanding job so i'm good shape. Maybe i'll need to post another, now to get the scanner to work : /



It could also be why I havn't had a tonne of responses, perhaps men are turned off by female truckdrivers. Hmmm.



Love these discussion rooms.



the duck
 
  Reply With Quote
tishsuz is offline tishsuz Post #15  February 13,2008, 5:48am
tishsuz's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2007

new port richey, fl

Posts: 140

See profile



I agree, if you can't accept her as she is, you should politely back off. It is possible your "turn off" is partially because she "lied" to you. I know I have met men who had old photos and looked absolutely nothing like these photos. They looked fine to me in person, but I still felt deceived.

Something else you may want to keep in mind...people change. I had worked hard and had lost quite a bit of weight when I met my ex-husband. He said he never dated "fat" women. I laughed and told him there was a definite possibility the weight would come back (it had over and over) and he looked past that. In fact, we got married after I had gained the weight back. He saw the person inside.

Just try to stay open and follow your heart.
 
  Reply With Quote
look2life is offline look2life Post #16  February 13,2008, 6:21am
look2life's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2008

Posts: 181

See profile

robert2008,60486 wrote :

Hi everyone -

Thanks for all the feedback. I completely agree that people of both sexes have issues with being honest - I'm sorry to imply that it was just a problem with women. It's fascinating, actually, how each gender seems to want to be dishonest about different attributes.

And to the women who posted about taking the time to see what's inside, and how a woman's weight isn't all that there is to her: Thanks for posting -- I appreciate that you did. I believe, though, that this is a very subtle issue with lots of gray areas. For example,

Personally, I've usually dated women who were 'plus sized'. I've also dated women who were fairly thin. It's not a huge issue for me -- intelligence is the number one thing that I'm attracted to. But this has got me into trouble; in at least two cases, I stuck with a relationship for a long time because the woman was amazing, although I wasn't truly, viscerally, attracted to her. Or rather, periodically turned off might be a better way to phrase it.

So I'm making an attempt to NOT ignore appearance and weight issues. My message to you is that it's not really an issue of "not caring what's inside" ... it's actually about attraction, which is something that one cannot fake, or force oneself to have, enough if one wants to.
I'm glad to see that you are being honest with yourself and are not ignoring appearance and weight issues. The politically correct thing these days is to pretend that these things don't matter and that it is only what is inside that counts. And I agree that many overweight women have some very admirable qualities. But the other side of the coin is that in most cases, severe overweight is a symptom of "issues" that the individual has and is often in denial of. (Note, I said most, not ALL. Yes, some people have medical conditions they have no control over.) As for anyone, man or woman, who is 5' 6', 200 lbs, and consider themselves average... They are in denial of reality.
 
  Reply With Quote
my baby loves me is offline my baby loves me Post #17  February 13,2008, 7:44am
my baby loves…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 2

See profile

robert2008, wrote :

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.
Dear Robert,

First of all, you must be a pretty shallow person and don't consider others unique and what they may have been through and if only a body matters to you, I wouldn't want you anyway, so I am happy you sent the girl away, it was best for her!

I know I am a fuller figure, but also have a fuller heart and if and when I find my mate, I am definitely sure the weight will fall off because I will be in love and I have been alone quite awhile, because I wanted to be, but that is the reason I accidentally put on this weight in the first place.

You know, you should give someone a try if they match with you in other areas, You may be passing up your true love only because of one thing.

TOO BAD, SORRY FOR YOU!
 
  Reply With Quote
slapo is offline slapo Post #18  February 13,2008, 10:32am
slapo's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 2

See profile



I have had this happen to me as well. I consider it tantamount to lying. Irrspective of how I feel about age and weight, experiences like this lead me to ask about what else might the person be lying?
 
  Reply With Quote
marthak is offline marthak Post #19  February 13,2008, 11:54am
marthak's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2008

Washington, D.C.

Posts: 1,085

See profile



Robert,

I have had the same experience. I invested a good deal of time and interest in a man who was attractive in his pictures. Once we met in person however, I realized he had black teeth. So much for that shy smile. That's the way it goes.NO ONE takes or posts pictures of themselves that they see as unflattering. I am as honest as I can be in my profile and I even have a full view shot posted. However, even that doesn't tell the full story like a full shot on profile does. We all have our issues and those of us that count weight as one of them, we all carry it in different places.

You had mentioned that size, or maybe more specifically rolls of loose flesh, is a turn off for you. While this woman may have a lot going for her, being in a relationship with someone who is not attracted to you can be emotionally devastating. Weight will always be an issue, whether it's post child birth or a drop in physical activity due to an injury.

I like the earlier comment of seeking physically active date activities. That will give you a better idea if she is able to adopt to a more healthy lifestyle that the two of you can share. This system matches folks on their level of physical activity, so either she is a muscular and active larger woman, or you my friend are a couchpotato.

Either way, you have to go with what you are attracted to. I have met some matches that I was not physically attracted to at first, but their attractiveness grew on me as I got to know them. If this doesn't happen for you,move on. It may seem that continuing to date her is the "nice" thing to do, but in reality, it's never nice to play with someone's emotions. Be true to your own heart.
 
  Reply With Quote
mws1967 is offline mws1967 Post #20  February 13,2008, 12:16pm
mws1967's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2008

South Central PA

Posts: 34

See profile

I'm 5'-11" and that's what I list on my page. I could easily pass for 6' but I'm almost to honest to a fault I guess. What really makes me laugh is I'm taller than most guys who claim to be 6'. lol
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Great first date! | Dating | When they do not answer your question »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:43am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0