How to handle a common first-date problem - she's much heavier in person

I have found this to be an interesting discussion. I am left with a couple of questions.

At what point in communication do you though this out there? If you have posted your most current full body shot do you assume the other person sees you the way you are or do you just reiterate that you are heavier than average? At what point is the rejection easier?

Dear Robert,

First of all, you must be a pretty shallow person and don't consider others unique and what they may have been through and if only a body matters to you, I wouldn't want you anyway, so I am happy you sent the girl away, it was best for her!

I know I am a fuller figure, but also have a fuller heart and if and when I find my mate, I am definitely sure the weight will fall off because I will be in love and I have been alone quite awhile, because I wanted to be, but that is the reason I accidentally put on this weight in the first place.

You know, you should give someone a try if they match with you in other areas, You may be passing up your true love only because of one thing.

TOO BAD, SORRY FOR YOU!

Hi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.

yoHi,

I've just had this problem twice in two weeks - one with a woman I met from eHarmony. When we actually meet up in person, it's clear that her pictures didn't really truthfully show what kind of (fairly poor) physical shape she was in.

In the first case, I realized belatedly that she hadn't had a 'full body' picture up. And in person, I just felt no attraction. Afterwards I handled it by sending email saying that I didn't feel the 'chemistry'.

Now in the second case, the woman was pretty interesting and attractive in person, but clearly weighed about 200 lbs. (5'6"), although on her profile she described her body type as 'average'. Regardless of anything else, 5'6" and 200 lbs is not "average". I'd like to see her again, but won't really be truly interested unless she loses weight ... I wonder if there's any way to communicate this ...

I realize this post raises lots of issues... My take-away is to only meet women in person who have a full body picture online. I don't think these women intended to deceive - I think they're probably being somewhat dishonest with themselves.

It's a fact that men are more visually stimulated than women. I also think that men are more conditioned over time by society to value physical beauty. That being said, physical appearances are the first step. If you are an attractive woman, but also have some "issues," the relationship will probably end, not based on your looks, but the severity of those "issues."

Americans as a whole are overweight and out of shape, but as multiple people have stated before, you have to want to get healthy for yourself, not for some guy or woman. That's the only way to lose weight and keep it off.

Personally, I feel that it's equally "shallow" to dismiss someone based on the "inside". Both attributes are important. If you are not attracted to someone, you are not attracted to someone. If you lie to yourself about it, it accomplishes nothing.

Physical attracting is important & cannot be discarded. I don't want to be with someone who isn't into me physically. Also, if these "unique" people are so much better on the inside, what does it say about their personality that they are willing to lie about themselves?

No, it's only shallow if it is the ONLY thing a person wants. Unfortunately people like you tend to assume that because someone isn't interested physically in someone else, that is all they care about. I don't think that's very honest.

Come on folks...all this talk of only the overweight people having issues is ridiculous! Yes, some people with excess weight carry that weight because they have issues. However, those of you who have felt the need to be demeaning, spiteful and sarcastic to others have your issues, too. That behavior doesn't come from nowhere. Something in you is the source of the nastiness. Perhaps you haven't been treated fairly for one reason or another or have been demeaned by someone yourself. Passing judgment on someone else, being nasty, might make you feel better about yourself, make you feel superior. Generally, people aren't born mean-spirited, just as most people aren't born overweight. It's what happens to us on our individual journeys, and the choices we make, that make us who and what we are.

Self perception is also a running theme here. Sometimes, it's not dishonesty when someone represents themselves in a way you, in the end, don't agree with. Many thin people think themselves incredibly attractive, even though other people's perceptions are the opposite. The same goes for fat people--many of them believe they are incredibly unattractive even when many people would consider them stunningly beautiful. Ego is a powerful thing--for the positive and the negative. No one is perfect, but not many people find a balance that is consistent throughout their lives. Self-image is a bit of a pendulum depending on what you're going through at that time in your life.

Being thin or heavy is not the defining factor of whether or not you're a good person. It really depends on how you define a "good" person. In my opinion, the key word is person. How you treat other people and yourself. The adversities we face and survive, as well as what we learn from them, impact how we treat others and ourselves. Personality is developed during trials and difficulties. It's important to remember that no group, thin or fat for example, corners the market on the human struggle. One thing that should come from adversity is compassion, not judgment. It would be really cool if the diametrically opposed in this thread could put themselves in the other's shoes for a day. Everyone might be really surprised.