2299LisaArmfield is offline 2299LisaArmfield Post #101  July 8,2007, 5:32pm
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You know Tom.......
I believe that you are right.
The 2 serious relationships I had, didn't work, and I believe sleeping with them before marriage might have ruined it. Sometimes, I wonder what would have ended those relationships if the "sex before marriage" didn't. But only for a brief moment. That's in the past. Today starts new.
Life is too short.

Be happy =)
 
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2301Steph is offline 2301Steph Post #102  July 8,2007, 5:36pm
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Gina ~ Be thankful that you were able to get away from your husband. What you describe as "passionate" is actually physical abuse! My "christian" ex-husband became that way, too, and would use the Bible as a way to force me to be a "submissive wife." Any man who uses physical force in any way against you is someone dangerous. Don't look for ways to get back together with him! Be strong for yourself and your children. I know that it isn't hard, but you can do it. Seek help. I was married for 13 years and have two little girls. Because of the abuse, and threat of more, I moved them two states away and began a new life. There were legal battles, to be sure, but today I have full custody of my two little girls and am starting fresh.
 
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2303Mike is offline 2303Mike Post #103  July 8,2007, 5:36pm
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I've been on the "dumped" side of every relationship I've ever had, including an 8-year marriage. What concerns me is the number of posts I see here of the "all men / women are jerks" variety. I confess, I was in that mode too - and with a history on the 100% level, it's pretty easy to go there. But the truth is, all men aren't pigs; all women aren't witches. Distorted generalizations only hurt your ability to form relational bonds.

I think WISHCURE hit the nail on the head - when you keep having the same disaster hit you over and over again, there's a significant possibility the problem isn't with the "evil opposite sex"...you might want to check out a mirror.

I'm not saying that relational problems always are the fault of one person; usually, it's a blend of each person's fault. But it's very important for each of us to own our own portion of the problem. Otherwise, you'll wind up stepping on the exact same land mine with the next person.
 
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2306MM is offline 2306MM Post #104  July 8,2007, 5:45pm
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Reply to DavidW:

Go back and think about the women you have been interested in, and ask yourself whether you really could have been happy with them had you entered into a relationship with one or any of them. I have had a similar problem in that I have felt as thought I had great first, second, and third dates and a guy never calls again. I'm a young (28), professional, attractive, and nice woman, but the guys I end up dating don't necessarily have the same background or values. I focus more on the present and the moment, as you should on a first date. Then, it comes as a surprise when they don't call. Looking back those guys probably did me a favor in not asking me out again, and chances are those women did you a favor by not going out with you again.

Whether it's being dumped at the outset or after months, it always seems as if we are blinded right before it happens. I pick up on red flags or cues that someone is not compatible with me early on, but I stay optimistic and focus on how I enjoy their company. However, during the relationship or even when we first meet someone it's easy to ignore those red flags, and focus on the positive feelings and the chemistry. That's why it comes as such a shock when someone chooses not to be with us--maybe the other person just has more guts to act on the incompatibilities and do both parties a huge favor by ending the relationship.
 
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2308ADVICEFORTHEBIBLECROWD is offline 2308ADVICEFORTHEBIBLECROWD Post #105  July 8,2007, 5:48pm
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Listen. Here is why the bible set gets dumped regularly. I just ditched a wonderful woman who had some real issues with God, sex, and relationships. You can learn from this.

We had dated for SIX MONTHS. Did everything right. Opened car doors, flowers at work, sent her cute E mails, fixed her car, played with her dog, listened to her problems....in 6 months, we ONLY KISSED TWICE. Nothing else.

Everytime the subject turned to SEX, she would reply with words like: DIRTY, immoral, nasty, filthy, and, again DIRTY. She would cross her arms and legs, look away, and change the subject.

I had to give her the boot. At what point in someone's life do they equate SEX with DIRT?...... What is "nasty" about SEX? What makes a natural act somehow "DIRTY".??

She had proffessed to me that in 36 years, she had only had sex 12 times, and each time was with the LIGHTS OFF, in the dark, undercover, in ONE POSITION, NO SPEAKING ALLOWED, and it was to be OVER IN NO MORE THAN 15 MINUTES !!!!....Oh, and the mouth is used STRICTLY for speaking and eating, thank you. Nothing else.

Bible or not, does this sound natural or healthy to you? Does this sound like the foundation of healthy beliefs upon which to build a lasting relationship? Does this sound ANYTHING like to hold and to cherish? Does this sound like a couple that will open up to each other and express themselves?.....or does it look like the REAL SIN is that somewhere along the upbringing, she was taught that her body is filthy, dirty, and nasty, a vessel of sin, and no enjoyment can be had through the expression of natural touch?

To add insult to injury, with biblical beliefs comes EXTREME JUDGEMENT of others, and JEALOUS RAGES. Any woman wearing flashy colors or tight pants was INSTANTLY a WHORE in her eyes. Women on TV? Whores. Prostitutes! ...Divorced? Whore! A woman of color? HEATHEN! Whore. Only here to tempt men.......And if the phone rang, and I did not immediately make it known who was on the other line, well, I was cavorting with WHORES! PROSTITUTES!

.....Damned shame. Good looking woman. Nice personality. Well-educated. Honest, moral. We had fun. She was a shining rose in my life after a bad relationship. But making/feeling/ expressing love was a taboo, and getting her to open up, to even TALK about it was taboo in her eyes. NOT healthy.

I dont know about YOUR god, but mine is a kind, understanding god. He understands that man is man, and lust is a mortal weakness. MY god is a forgiving one. If I am not murdering, stealing, or sleeping with other men's wives, he can usually see past sins of the flesh if it is used to build a healthy, lasting, wholesome relationship. It worked for my parents, my parents' parents, and apparently hers, because her mother has EIGHT CHILDREN, two of them from a previous marriage. And she goes to church.

Do not let church stand between you and a rewarding relationship. Do not equate SEX with DIRT. If you do, you have MORE issues than just the bible to contend with. Ive read it myself about 10 times now, and NOWHERE in there does the bible call sex DIRTY, nor does it say ANYWHERE that it shouldnt be ENJOYED by two consenting adults in love.

If you regularly thump the bible, if you think sex is somehow "dirty" If you find yourself judging others on the basis of thier beliefs, color, sexual practices and/or method of attire.....you may want to re-evaluate exactly WHY it is that you are still lonely.
 
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2309lawrence is offline 2309lawrence Post #106  July 8,2007, 5:49pm
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Demoted to friendship with perks............This artical so clearly discribes what happened to my last relationship, Thank you very much for the insight.

Now i can quit kicking myself and feeling guilty.
People can be anything they wish but not all can have Integrity & honesty.
 
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2310Kathy is offline 2310Kathy Post #107  July 8,2007, 5:50pm
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I have gone through a devestating divorce that I did not want. My ex started selling drugs at the age of 57, and I could not live with that. I was left with huge financial burdens, despite the fact that he had a business. A friend recommended the book Crazy Time, by Abagail Trafford. It really helped me see the stages of divorce. I am rebuilding my life now and living alone for the first time in my life. I just want a friend who I can have fun with now. I have always known how to work, but I haven't had fun in such a long time that I fight depression daily.
 
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2313Terri is offline 2313Terri Post #108  July 8,2007, 5:54pm
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I also went through the "fade away" heartache that marked the end of a 7-year long-distance relationship. We were both married when we met (online) but both desperately unhappy. I walked out of my marriage within a month ... but he never did. How I ever allowed myelf to continue as the "other woman" is beyond me - but the fact is that my attraction to him was elemental .. it was like a magnet to steel. For years, I made no demands and had no expectations. In August 2004, he called me and told me that he decided that he did not want to lose me and he was leaving his wife. That point marked the end of our relationship. He asked me to bear with him through his ups and downs .. but ultimately I realized that it was me he was leaving ... not her. He stopped calling and when he did, we had nothing to say to each other. When I would ask about us, his response was, 'I can't talk about it now." I shouldn't be surprised .. someone with no courage to change their own life could not be expected to have the courage to deal with me honestly. The saddest part? I know he loved me as much as I loved him. I threw myself into 3 years of counseling ... and that is the best thing I could have done.

Fast foward to August of 2006 .. I met the most wonderful man in the world through E-Harmony. We are extremely happy, very compatible and very much in love. Only thing is ... I love him with my eyes wide open. It's never too late to live happily ever after .... even at 52!
 
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2317Kim is offline 2317Kim Post #109  July 8,2007, 6:05pm
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I had been married for 12 years and had a child with him whom was only 1 year old when he came home one day and announced he wasn't happy and was leaving me. I was devasted. I felt like my whole world was ending. After he left, he wouldn't even tell me where he was staying. Later I found out he was having an affair with his secretary. After our divorce was final he married her and two years later divorced her. In the meantime, I picked up the pieces and got on with my life. I moved to a different town, bought a house, and met a wonderful guy. I dated him for 5 years. We broke up in Dec. 2006 because he got scared and wasn't ready to commit. He then got into a relationship with a married woman and had an affair with her. When they broke up he came back to me wanting me to forgive him for breaking up with me and to give him another chance. Not knowing about the affair with the married woman, I gave him another chance. A couple of weeks ago I called him and a woman answered the phone. It was her (the woman he had had an affair with). It was then that I found out about the affair. She wanted him back because she had left her husband. She told me that he had asked her to marry him and move in with him. When I confronted him he admited to the affair and confessed to sleeping with her while he was seeing me. Needless to say I was once again devastated. It makes me wonder if there are any decent guys out there that could love me and be faithful to me. I have spent the past couple of weeks trying to understand it and to get over it, but it is so hard when you have truly loved someone and they hurt you in that way. I have gone through hurt, the anger, the sadness, the frustration. I have prayed, asking God Why me?? Why do have to go through this again? Will the hurt ever go away? I have to believe that these things have happened for a reason and that something good with come out of it. Maybe God has someone in mind for me that I haven't met yet.
 
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2321Cyndi is offline 2321Cyndi Post #110  July 8,2007, 6:09pm
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Here's my two-cents:
Even good people can be bad breaker-uppers. I think most people are bad at breaking up because they know it's going to hurt someone they actually do care about.

Most people simply don't know how to break up and unfortunately, all the six examples given are simply how different people cope with giving bad news. Also, in some cases, people do distant or echo breakups because they've discovered the person they are dating gets darkly emotional and they don't want to face the yelling, tears, or accusations. The fact that one partner is emotionally volatile may even be the reason for the break-up.

When someone breaks up with you the best things to do is rise above the knee-jerk emotions and find a way to thank them for their honesty and for the good memories you created for each other. Then move on and heal.

Good luck to all who have been experiencing break-ups lately. You'll learn from it the next relationship will be better for it.
 
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