Is a PhD really a problem?


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AnneGG is offline AnneGG Post #1  July 27,2008, 5:02am
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So I've been told by a date atleast once and suspect that other matches on EH and other dating sites might have an issue with the fact that I'm a PhD student. This ultimately means that in the next 3-4 years, I will move from the area I am currently to get an academic job somewhere else (probably as a professor). Is that too much of a deal breaker for most guys? To be faced with having to move for a partners' career upfornt and thus not making it worth it to start dating? I'm in my late 20s and it seems like a lot of guys sign up for online dating when they are ready to get married and "settle down" (profiles sometimes even say this directly). So I'm just wondering if a woman with an academic career like this is just not desirable. I make sure to mention in profiles that my phd program is not all consuming and i have a life full of other interests. I'm starting to think that ABD (all but dissertation) really means all but dating.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #2  July 27,2008, 5:25am
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What is annoying can be to put the PhD title,in other people's faces all the time





There was this woman in MENSA that hadone in English and insisted on being called "Doctor" X.


People snickered behind her back for that constant abuse of the title, obviously being used to feed an ego.





That was bothersome because that title is typically reserved for Medical Doctors that went all the way through Medical School and all that follwed it, Residency etc





But then again, Mensans have NOTORIOUSLY bad social skills, I know it because I hosted a playreading group of them in my house in San Francisco back when I used to live there





They never contributed refreshments, hit on all the women like cavemen, trashed my bathroom, etc. I finally quit entirely when I could not stand it anynore





But if you post is about one person moving for the other, the context length and intensity of the relationship dictates the answer to that. Usually within a year it has to be decided if the relationship is serious, I think, and there is no stock answer.





Meanwhile, have fun and enjoy the process of dating
 
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spinsugar74 is offline spinsugar74 Post #3  July 27,2008, 5:48am
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Congratulations on working on your Ph.D., Anne! I finished mine five years ago and faced the same problem. It did not, however, stop me from dating. I looked at is as a bridge to cross if and when we got there. As it turned out, the last time I moved for work (two years ago to change universities and finally relocate to a metropolitan area), I was dating someone who I had met online. He was also an academic. We continued to date, but there were no jobs in his field near me, and I was not willing to stay where I was. The relationship ultimately ended. I think both people have to be willing to make concessions, and in our case, neither would or could, but in the end, I don't regret that.





Female friends of mine in the field sometimes say if they had known what having a Ph.D. would do to their social and/or dating lives, they might not have pursued it. I am not quite to the point of feeling that way, but it is an interesting dialogue to have with people nonetheless.





I agree with 6dle899 that a lot of it is in presentation. I have never used my title outside of a professional context where it is the culture. I do not tell people I have a Ph.D. unless it comes up naturally in conversation or they put it together with my being a professor (some really are slow to make that connection). I don't talk about the academic side of my work with dates, and when they ask, I focus more on teaching unless they specifically inquire about the publishing, etc. For a variety of reasons, some men might find it intimidating (I have been told this or get comments like "I may not be smart enough for you"), but that is their issue then. I do know that I do not present myself or accomplishments in a way that makes people feel "dumb." I think you have to just be down to earth about it and act like yourself; it is part of who you are, but it does not define you. You sound like you have a good perspective on it! Best of luck to you! [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-laughing.gif[/img]
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #4  July 27,2008, 6:35am

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My opinion is that some people will use anything as an excuse not to date someone - it's usually just that, an excuse. My feeling is that if and when you find someone special who you in turn find special, nothing will be an issue.
 
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l8wht2 is offline l8wht2 Post #5  July 27,2008, 6:45am
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Red Sox Girl,189331 wrote :

My opinion is that some people will use anything as an excuse not to date someone - it's usually just that, an excuse. My feeling is that if and when you find someone special who you in turn find special, nothing will be an issue.
+1 Well said RSG.
 
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foucaultian is offline foucaultian Post #6  July 27,2008, 6:51am
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PhD students are some of my favorite dates! Brilliant women are totally a turn on -- at least they are in my book.


I do disagree slightly with RSG. I do agree that love can move mountains. But, sometimes love cannot move allegiances to family, home, and career, particularly if those things are well established. If someone does not want to move, then they can't be forced to do so.


What I'd do if I were AGG is one of two things: a) if you know for certain that you're moving after your done with your dissertation and defenese, ask your matches how they feel about relocating for a relationship. If they say they will not move under any circumstances, close. B) If you simply want to avoid that subject until the future, then don't broach it until you are well into the dating portion of the relationship. Then, you can ask that person how they feelafter they've had an opportunity to know and like you. Granted, the latter approach may cause more painbecause you are now forced to deal with the reality that a person you like may not want to move their life (which is why they only date locally).


This may also mean that you will have to reevaluate your career prospects. In your neck of the woods, are there not other academic programs where you can use your insights? Are there other professions outside of the academic realm wherein you can utilize your doctoral level knowledge and be compensated accordingly? Is it possible that you can find happiness doing something completely unrelated to your academic field, but would find no less rewarding?


Foucaultian
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #7  July 27,2008, 7:33am
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foucaultian,189343 wrote :

PhD students are some of my favorite dates! Brilliant women are totally a turn on -- at least they are in my book.


I do disagree slightly with RSG. I do agree that love can move mountains. But, sometimes love cannot move allegiances to family, home, and career, particularly if those things are well established. If someone does not want to move, then they can't be forced to do so.


What I'd do if I were AGG is one of two things: a) if you know for certain that you're moving after your done with your dissertation and defenese, ask your matches how they feel about relocating for a relationship. If they say they will not move under any circumstances, close. B) If you simply want to avoid that subject until the future, then don't broach it until you are well into the dating portion of the relationship. Then, you can ask that person how they feelafter they've had an opportunity to know and like you. Granted, the latter approach may cause more painbecause you are now forced to deal with the reality that a person you like may not want to move their life (which is why they only date locally).


This may also mean that you will have to reevaluate your career prospects. In your neck of the woods, are there not other academic programs where you can use your insights? Are there other professions outside of the academic realm wherein you can utilize your doctoral level knowledge and be compensated accordingly? Is it possible that you can find happiness doing something completely unrelated to your academic field, but would find no less rewarding?


Foucaultian
Good advice!
 
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japaneseblueeyes is offline japaneseblueeyes Post #8  July 27,2008, 7:39am
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No it is not. For any man that it is a problem for, obviously he is not the man for you.
 
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qwerty99 is offline qwerty99 Post #9  July 27,2008, 8:15am
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I think spinsugar77 nailed it quite well.


For me, there is nothing more attractive than a feminine woman with brains. It's like getting two for one. She is physically desirable and at the same time, intellectually stimulating. Yummmy!


What men in general find repulsive is a woman who thinks she is smarter than everyone else simply because she has some letters behind her name. In effect, it shows that she has very little else to give in a relationship. Unfortunately, there are some nice woman who do not realize the type of message they are sending, though it is not their intention to come across as arrogant.


One quick note is in order though: the reason why some men run away from successful women is not always because they are intimidated; it is often because those women do not present themselves appropriately.


Some of us still cherish brains in a beautiful body!
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #10  July 27,2008, 8:16am
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I'm glad to see this matter raised. I'm ABD as well. I'm in a city where the focus is on beautiful women...not that I'm unattractive, but I will not behave like a tramp. I agree with 6d. Many PhDs have terrible social skills. I know, for I work with them. I refuse to date my fellow academics. Too full of themselves! For me, it's just another item on a resume.


It hurts when a man dumps you saying you have a lot to offer to a man (ouch!) but you're not the one for him. It makes no sense to pretend to be someone else, for I want to be accepted for who I am.


I'm an East Coast girl, so I'm focussing on cities like NY, Boston and Philadelphia where there are lots of entities that hire educated men with good social skills like financial services. I don't need a man with a PhD, just someone with a wide range of experiences.


Some questions:


1. What can I tell a man when he pointedly asks what is my profession? EH also requires that you enter something.


2. Guys, would you ever invest in getting to know a woman before she relocates, especially if she visits often?


3. I met some military types. Most that I've met are smart, without being an egg head, and seem pretty cool. Anyone have experience dating military officers (Majors and above?)? I can't seem to find them on the regular dating sites. They seem like a good choice assome are close to 'retirement' in their 40's, and might be ready to settle down after all that travelling. Right now they might be very busy which is fine.


I'd really appreciate your suggestions.
 
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