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danb35 danb35 is offline
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BlueEyedLizzie wrote :

And just for the record that is not an easy question to ask.
Apparently your experience has been different than mine, then--I haven't found it difficult to ask. I've been a bit nervous about asking, as there's always the possibility I won't like the answer I get, but I figure I'd rather know than assume. The advice posted upthread, I think, is very wise: the only valid expectations are those that communicated and agreed to.


Which will hurt more: to ask before you start having sex, and get an answer you don't want; or to assume you're exclusive because you're having sex, and later find that he wasn't exclusive? I have to admit I haven't been in the latter situation (on either side), but I'm pretty sure it would be more painful than the former.
- October 20th, 2008, 01:27 pm
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BlueEyedLizzie BlueEyedLizzie is offline
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I hear what you're saying and of course agree, however, if you're not getting any red flag vibes saying you should be asking then if you're not ready to actually have the whole "Where is this going and what are we" talk why ask?
- October 20th, 2008, 01:49 pm
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danb35 danb35 is offline
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BlueEyedLizzie wrote :

I hear what you're saying and of course agree, however, if you're not getting any red flag vibes saying you should be asking then if you're not ready to actually have the whole "Where is this going and what are we" talk why ask?
Why ask? Easy: so you'll know , rather than assuming. Yes, if you ask, you still have to be able to trust that he's being honest with his answer, but that gives you a much stronger basis for believing one way or the other. Why not ask? If you're too afraid to ask about something, how can you think it's reasonable to just assume that the answer is what you want it to be?


It's entirely possible that I'm missing something (happens all the time), but the only reason I can see for being afraid/hesitant/"not ready" to ask is because you're afraid of the answer you might get. If that's the case, then by definition, you don't really believe that you can safely assume the answer. What other reason would there be for being "not ready" to discuss exclusivity?
- October 20th, 2008, 02:28 pm
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sheera007 sheera007 is offline
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texasgirl, wrote :


Does anyone else wrestle with this problem? How long do you wait before you bring up the topic of dating exclusively?


No. I think it's senseless to assign an arbitrary time-line to something like this. It shouldn't be about time.


It should be about the two people involved... and whether (or not)each feels strongly enough for theother.

These feelings need to develop & evolve naturally, regardless of how little/long it takes. That is the problem with "looking for someone" or dating in hopes of finding someone to "fit the bill". People are so intent on finding "the one" that relationships don't naturally develop.
- October 20th, 2008, 03:57 pm
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sheera007 wrote :

texasgirl, wrote :


Does anyone else wrestle with this problem? How long do you wait before you bring up the topic of dating exclusively?


No. I think it's senseless to assign an arbitrary time-line to something like this. It shouldn't be about time.


It should be about the two people involved... and whether (or not)each feels strongly enough for theother.

These feelings need to develop & evolve naturally, regardless of how little/long it takes. That is the problem with "looking for someone" or dating in hopes of finding someone to "fit the bill". People are so intent on finding "the one" that relationships don't naturally develop.
I agree with sheera, that people (mostly women) are so intent on finding "the one,"that relationships don't develop naturally (mostly men.) Ithink one big reason that men appear to beso afraid of commitment is that they understand that potentially, this will becomethe only, and the last woman they can evertouch, and be sexual with in their lifetime.Whilean exclusive relationship is the condition that most women have been working toward since they were 12,for men it's a huge thing to give up all other possible women. Guys need to be SURE they've found THE ONE who's worth this sacrifice. And this is NOT something he can discuss with her---she justwon't understand. Venus and Mars.
- October 22nd, 2008, 07:26 pm
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danb35 wrote :

FWIW, my answer was on my third date with my now-girlfriend (2 weeks after our first). She's 29, I'm 34, in case that matters. In our case, it was a pretty simple question--"how do you feel about us dating exclusively?" "I'd like that."
Wow...what a fast turn-around. I'm envious.
- October 23rd, 2008, 09:01 am
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texasgirl, wrote :

Does anyone else wrestle with this problem? How long do you wait before you bring up the topic of dating exclusively? I'm 46 so maybe it's different in the older age group. LOL Would love to hear some opinions on this especially from the guys. Thanks!
I too could use some advice on this. The single biggest mistake I have made in the last 2-3 potential relationships was to agree to exclusivity too soon. First one asked for it after 3 dates, second one asked after 2 dates, and third one asked for it after 5 dates. I tried to say "Well, we'll both know when it's time" but in the end, I did agree because I have no problem with just focusing on one person at a time.


But my experience was that once I agreed to focus on each other only, they went about their merry way and sort of pulled back. In the last case, he would call me for 5 mins a day, and 10 days would go by before we spent any time together because he was "so busy". Often he would not call even though we had a date tentatively arranged. All the while, he told me he loved me but his actions said something quite different.


I broke it off with him last week because of this, but I do wonder how much of it was being exlusive too soon? When a man asks for it this early, is it usually a red flag? How do I know if it is a genuine request or a red flag?
- November 1st, 2008, 08:51 am
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What did they offer in return for exclusivity? Apparently, you'd want to see them with a reasonable frequency if you date them (one at a time) exclusively. I think, they were just bad choices. Theey might have been insecure player types. Did you ask them in return for exclusivity or it was understood to be the case by implying it from their request?


I had the opposite problem, documented in my R.G. thread: when I asked the guy about exclusivity by email he asnwered in a bit of a rude manner, saying that is all "high school stuff" for him now and he doesn't want any restrictions on his sex partners. He told me beforehand he had been diagnosed with sex addiction but I had no idea that that also means multiple sex partners or scores of them.


Although, now that I think about it my case might not be the total opposite of yours as this guy also assumed that he would be my only sex partner . He told me I should look for Mr Right and in the meantime there would be him. What if I had said OK, and would have added Mr RightNow 1 and Mr RightNow 2 to the mix? Gosh, it is getting gross.
- December 31st, 2008, 06:12 am
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datingin2008 wrote :

I'm at a loss with the rules of exclusive dating. In my case it's the guy who wants to be exclusive, and as soon as I agree...he backs off. Is this about the chase or is it me?
Join the club. It's not about you.
- December 31st, 2008, 09:32 am
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It seems like 4-5 dates is pretty popular. That would only be a few weeks of dating. My question is whether "being exclusive" means actually officially being in a relationship? From my experiences, it seems it may take a month or two to reach that point. The first girlfriend I had, it only took six dates to reach that point, and in retrospect, I felt that was pretty fast.
- December 31st, 2008, 11:32 am
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