Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Dating First-date jitters? Hoping for a second date? Moving on to a full blown relationship? Share your journey and advice here.

Reply
Page 5 of 10 « First 3 4 5 6 7 Last »
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
KyrioSoft KyrioSoft is offline
KyrioSoft's Avatar

KyrioSoft really loves jazz!

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 44

See profile

Aussie_in_USA wrote :
beloved0000 wrote :
That's easy. I don't date. When a guy shows interest in me, I don't just start going out with him. Sex is not even an issue. Sex to me is so sacred.
I totally agree. I never used to be like that, but a few serious relationships that resulted in a lot of time to heal afterward were not worth it.

I dated a guy last year and broke my self-imposed celibacy rule with him. He's now living in Guatemala... probably to get away from me. Anyway, I've been back on the celibacy bandwagon just as a way of protecting me and ensuring I'm emotionally ready for whatever it is if it ever comes.

And if not... I like being single.
You know, I was celibate for 11 years, had 2 gfs, then have been celibate for 15 years. I agree that sexual relationships are hard. But I've decided that male/female friendships have to be extremely special or I won't have them anymore for one reason: I fall in love. I've had a few friendships where I didn't fall in love, and a few relat's where we weren't lovers and I didn't love them. In retrospect, they seem flat. Sex can add real depth to a relationship. It makes life real and is the chance you have to take on life. As for when, I'd say that is an individual matter per person and per relationship. I think I tend to make matters more complex than need be, but that said: Where are the individuals in life each? How does each one love? Why does each one love the other? What is the nature of each one's commitment? You get the picture. Love is a deep subject. That's why eHarmony examines 29 dimensions. And still look at how many matches we close out or just find uninteresting. As a starting point, I'd say give it a good try, don't give up easily unless you find love easily.
- March 14th, 2008, 09:36 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#41   Reply With Quote
KyrioSoft KyrioSoft is offline
KyrioSoft's Avatar

KyrioSoft really loves jazz!

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 44

See profile

mystikchik wrote :

Is this sort of thing done formally? Is there actually some set of rules like x amount of dates or the need to formally announce you are exclusive? Does it have to be mutual?

These are more in the nature of rhetorical questions as already know my response to these questions. I have strayed a couple of times into what became exclusive relationships--exclusive for a period of time. I don't recall ever asking the guy if we were exclusive. I simply felt no need to date anyone else and so in effect I became exclusive. As far as I can tell it was the same for the guys involved, as well.

Nothing formal, no set number of dates and nothing to do with what was happening or not happening in the bedroom. Our dating behaviour more or less defined the nature of our relationship: if I am seeing only one guy I am obviously involved in an exclusive relationship. If am seeing more than one guy I am not in an exclusive relationship. I don't know that I need to make all of this formal with words or promises. It either is or it isn't and all he words and promises are not going to change anything.




One of my lovers initiated exclusivity at the end of our first date, which was quite a date. But while she took her time about breaking up with me, she said and did things that I've always suspected indicated she was cheating on me while we were dating. So I agree with you, promises, vows, requests, etc. aren't going to change anything. If you want exclusivity, you've just got to hope the person you're with is that type of person.
- March 14th, 2008, 09:45 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#42   Reply With Quote
KyrioSoft KyrioSoft is offline
KyrioSoft's Avatar

KyrioSoft really loves jazz!

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 44

See profile

datingin2008 wrote :

I'm at a loss with the rules of exclusive dating. In my case it's the guy who wants to be exclusive, and as soon as I agree...he backs off. Is this about the chase or is it me?


I once read, in a book called something like "Towards an Ecology of the Mind" that power relationships can be of two types: complementary or (I think) parallel" or "reflective." The point is, in the former if one person is advancing, the other is withdrawing and vice-versa. In the latter, both are always moving in the same direction. Consider that in commitment. If your date withdraws when you offer a commitment, maybe he doesn't know how to handle commitment? He needs to commit when you do.
- March 14th, 2008, 09:56 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#43   Reply With Quote
debfab debfab is offline
debfab's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Feb 2008

Posts: 4

See profile

JVC wrote :
On the first date, I usually ask "what's the best piece of advice you ever recieved." After discussing my date's reply, I'll give mine. . . "The only expectation that is valid is one which is communicated and agreed to." After some discussion I transition into. . . along those lines, since we're both using an on-line site, it's fair to assume we're both at least talking to others. . . no exclusitivity exists unless it's communicated and agreed to, and I limit physical initmacy to brief kisses until that happens. . . If he desires further emotional and physical intimacy, the groundwork's been laid for the conversation.
I love this! I think it's so great that you put it out in the open that it's an online site date, and nothing should be assumed. I am totally going to integrate this into the dates! thank you for this advice.
- March 16th, 2008, 07:56 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#44   Reply With Quote
debfab debfab is offline
debfab's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Feb 2008

Posts: 4

See profile

chrlesmd wrote :
Personally, for me, I'd like to see at least 4 or 5 dates before we even get to that topic. They don't have to be "official dates" per se, but I do think spending time with someone before making that decision is important. I guess I look at it from this perspective, the first couple of dates, your both on your best behavior and you really don't get a sense of someone, except on the surface. Once you get past that stage, and you can both be comfortable with each other, that's when you really get a sense of who someone is...how they are with their guard down.
I've been seeing a few of these "on your first couple of dates you're on your best behaviour" comments, and feel concern... I have had 2nd and 3rd dates where the boys let loose on how horrible their divorce has been, or how they enjoy dressing in women's clothing. Thank the hell I exitted stage left after this, because if they're revealing all of this on the 2nd date, I can only imagine whatthe 4th or 5th dateis like!!! If that's the surface, please let's keep it 2000 feet above sea level!!!

- March 16th, 2008, 08:01 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#45   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

chefmichaelo chefmichaelo is offline
chefmichaelo's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 2

See profile

I am 44 years old and I have been married before, for 19 years and now divorced. I have dated many women in my day but I have never felt the need to complicate my life with 2 or more dates with women. I feel if you meet someone you feel you have a connection with you date them and see if you want to continue and if so you move forward! I myself would never dte more than one woman at a time. I wouldnt want to be #2 in her life not even from the start and I give her the same respect.
- March 16th, 2008, 11:00 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#46   Reply With Quote
chefmichaelo chefmichaelo is offline
chefmichaelo's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 2

See profile



thans for asking for advice

- March 16th, 2008, 11:02 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#47   Reply With Quote
Delilah77 Delilah77 is offline
Delilah77's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Mar 2008

Posts: 1

See profile

Jumper90 wrote :

Great subject. We all speak from personal experience. Mine has run the gamut from just sort of falling into it to talking about it first.

I really think that you have to discuss exclusivity and just cannot assume it. Furthermore, you can not put an artificial timeline on it such as five dates or two months of dating. In my last serious relationship, I was with her seven months. She had just come out of a divorce and would not commit the entire time we were together. It was extremely frustrating to me and was why we broke up, but to her credit, she was just not ready to be in a committed relationship so soon after the demise of one. We were intimate and not sleeping with other people, but she just could not commit.

In another relationship which lasted three years, we were exclusive after the second date. Again, you cannot put a timeline on it and it obviously has to be mutual. I disagree with the statement that it is harder for men to commit. I have seen it the other way around.

For guys, exclusivity really means, is our partner having sex with other people. I cannot speak for what it means to women.

Regardless, of exclusivity, if you are having sex, you need to know if the other person is sleeping with other people.
Great post! Most of the guys I've communicated with here have been sweethearts, so I don't go for the "all guys are players" schtik. If you and a date are not on the same page when it comes to where the relationship is headed, won't you be able to sense it? Trust your instincts, people!
- March 18th, 2008, 09:31 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#48   Reply With Quote
SpongeBob SpongeBob is offline
SpongeBob's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Nov 2007

Posts: 7

See profile



Not mentioned in previous postsis that it is very important not to become exclusive to someone where you are their first following a divorce or other type of breakup. Without the perspective of dating other people, that person will fall hard for you with emotional risks. Seeing other people will give time for a solid foundation offriendship. Then the decision to go exclusive with a compatible mate can be made leading toromance.
- March 18th, 2008, 09:58 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#49   Reply With Quote
Beowulf Beowulf is offline
Beowulf's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Feb 2008

Posts: 51

See profile

snowygirl wrote :
texasgirl, wrote :
Does anyone else wrestle with this problem? How long do you wait before you bring up the topic of dating exclusively? I'm 46 so maybe it's different in the older age group. LOL Would love to hear some opinions on this especially from the guys. Thanks!
Hi there! This is just me, and what I would want in my situation. As soon as you sleep with them, I would hope that they would be exclusive with you.
AWWWW... you beat me to it. ;-)

exactly what I was going to say.
- March 19th, 2008, 01:46 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#50   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 5 of 10 « First 3 4 5 6 7 Last »

Bookmarks

« Man-Boy? | Array | Friday Night Roll Call »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ He knows the abuse wasn't sexual, and he knows I am not gay or bisexual.” – charity8987

Join the “Argh, screwed up with new guy.” discussion

“my dream color is medium red brown with auburn tones” – jtwark

Join the “L'Oréal's 'Find Your Fall Hair Color' Sweepstakes!” discussion

“all, or most of my matches lately have been people that never reply to the first step of communication or their profile says to contact them on facebook. it seems to me that these profiles are people ... ” – Coca-Cola

Join the “matches dont respond/their profile says contact them on face book” discussion

“sounds like things are going great! i'd suggest that you just keep doing whatever it is you are doing. and don't sweat the little things.” – notyet

Join the “always so paranoid” discussion

“"Billed in one installment of $239.40" means, "Billed once for $239.40." Pardon me for saying this, but if I had less than $40 in my bank account, buying an eHarmony subscription will be the least ... ” – Coca-Cola

Join the “eHarmony payment plans” discussion

“ Call them!” – Coca-Cola

Join the “FCW - Interesting Problem” discussion

“It appears the OP hasn't participated in EhA since she login and posed her question initially. We all come to these advise boards with so many different backgrounds...in fact I wrote another post on ... ” – RoxyRedhead

Join the “Frustrated & Confused: Is He A Sexual Addict???” discussion

“Darn..is that it..the first sign of awkwardness and kapowie/ shoot the relationship down.Here we haver 2 introverts without, apparently, heaps of experience, looking not for a way to end it, but for ... ” – RoxyRedhead

Join the “what to do... second guessing myself” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:39 am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0