Careers and future children


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alexsmom0501 is offline alexsmom0501 Post #11  July 21,2008, 7:17am
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I don't discuss it with matches early onunless they bring it up first. HoweverI do feel that it is important to discuss these matters early in the relationship. Say, within the first 3-6 months of dating.I do not wantto spend a year dating someone that does not have similar goals in regards tochildren.I do alot of work with divorced couples. It amazing how many of them did not discuss the issues of carreers and children before they got married.
 
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SuzanneInHouston is offline SuzanneInHouston Post #12  July 21,2008, 7:18am
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If I had the blessing of a child, it would depend on what my husband and I decided together.
 
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Digital is offline Digital Post #13  July 21,2008, 7:31am

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jayjay,180239 wrote :

I see some of you discuss this with matches apparently very early in the getting-to-know-you process. I think I'd feel kind of strange asking about this....like the people who begin talking about having children with their date while on the first date. Those of you who discuss this early on, have your matches been OK with the subject?
Starting a family is one of the things that is kinda (okay, very) important to me. It's kinda guided the KIND of women I meet. And I look at it on the profile (ifwants kids is a no then it's a reason to close).But to talk about kids on the first (or second, or third) date? Seems like your jumping ahead of yourself.


Quite frankly I've not thought any further than that (just because it seems REALLY far in the future for me). As far as I'm concerned whether the woman wants to work or stay at home I'd be entirely supportive of. Either way (in this day and age) I'd think that your going to have to find a way to swing family finances to make it work.
 
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irishbrian is offline irishbrian Post #14  July 21,2008, 8:56am
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Hmmmm, been pondering this a bit this morning. I apologize in advance if I offend anybody, since my opinion is certainly not PC:


I put "yes" in my profile...and it's a definite "yes"...I want children. That's a solid goal in my life, be they my own flesh and blood or adopted via marriage to a single mom. If for some medical reason she's unable to conceive and/or bear children or I'm shooting blanks...then adoption. I've been told numerous timesover the years by several different people that I'd make agood father, and I actually like kids and desire to actually raise some...not just support them financially (i.e. get involved with their lives and be actively involved in their upbringing and not just think that paying the bills is my only "obligation" toward them). So, my desires and goals in life very much shape what sort of women I am both attracted to desire to be with. Matches that I get that say "no" to the question get an instant close from me. Those that put "maybe" I have to get to know a bit more and feel out the circumstances as to why.


In my profession, I have the potential to make enough money to maintain a single income household witha fewchildren and actually live comfortably, provided we live frugally and don't live beyond our means. I'm all about modest living in every regard. I strongly prefer her to remain home, especially during the children's early years before school. I think it's very important to have a parent present at all times during those formative years. Once they're in school, then if she wants to work again, I have absolutely no problems with that at all...although I prefer her to stay home until they're out of primary school. Junior high kids and up are old enough to be "latch key kids" if necessary.


This all being said, some people will have knee-jerk reactions to the above. No, I'm not sexist or chauvinistic...I'm looking for an equal in every regard.Although I'm old-fashioned and place strong value in traditional gender roles, I'm by no means rigid. I believe housekeeping is a duty to be equally shared by both spouses, as is cooking. We both live there, so it's both our responsibility equally.
 
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MPdoc68 is offline MPdoc68 Post #15  July 21,2008, 1:29pm
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Tahoe2K,180191 wrote :

I'm going to have to watch this topic.


I would like to have more children and could use some female perspective on this issue.
Tahoe...precisely the reason I started this thread. Like I alluded to earlier, I wish EH would allow some mechanism for addressing this issue upfront and without any stigma or assumptions (it is kind of IMPORTANT to both men and women).


It seems like a basic element of "compatibility" that EH prides itself on. There is little chance, for instance, of a R working between a woman who wanted a future SAHM situation and a man who didn't or vice-versa. The only way to approach it (short of directly asking-which seems a little forward) is via the "traditional gender roles" question--which I do use in every case.


That mechanism is very limited (the definition of "traditional gender roles" seems to imply different things to different people and I have read here how some women are offended by the question even being asked! Why? I'm not telling you what to do...I just want to know your thoughts and future plans because if you want to be full-time "career woman" your whole life, I don't see any point in continuing. You can be whatever you want, that is just not what I am looking for (I won't do the daycare/latchkey-kid thing...the dual-income benefit is not worth it for me). It would just be nice if the issue were just stated plainly...
 
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MPdoc68 is offline MPdoc68 Post #16  July 21,2008, 1:35pm
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alexsmom0501,180256 wrote :

I don't discuss it with matches early onunless they bring it up first. HoweverI do feel that it is important to discuss these matters early in the relationship. Say, within the first 3-6 months of dating.I do not wantto spend a year dating someone that does not have similar goals in regards tochildren.I do alot of work with divorced couples. It amazing how many of them did not discuss the issues of carreers and children before they got married.
3-6 months?? I don't want to waste even 3-6 weeks dating someone who has vastly different views/plans on the childcare/career conundrum. What's the point? I don't want to "change" someone nor be changed to accomodate them. This is not a right or wrong thing...it is just a matter of 2 people having similar mindsets.
 
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GaryZ is offline GaryZ Post #17  July 21,2008, 1:35pm
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This is the reason I actually prefer a match that already has children. I have mine, she has hers, hopefully thats the end of it. Having said that, if sometime down the road my potential match wanted to have another, I would definately consider it. I can think of worse things than making a new buddy.
 
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alexsmom0501 is offline alexsmom0501 Post #18  July 21,2008, 1:49pm
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MPdoc68,180577 wrote :

alexsmom0501,180256 wrote :


I don't discuss it with matches early onunless they bring it up first. HoweverI do feel that it is important to discuss these matters early in the relationship. Say, within the first 3-6 months of dating.I do not wantto spend a year dating someone that does not have similar goals in regards tochildren.I do alot of work with divorced couples. It amazing how many of them did not discuss the issues of carreers and children before they got married.


3-6 months?? I don't want to waste even 3-6 weeks dating someone who has vastly different views/plans on the childcare/career conundrum. What's the point? I don't want to "change" someone nor be changed to accomodate them. This is not a right or wrong thing...it is just a matter of 2 people having similar mindsets.
That is your view. I, however am very flexible in this situation. Honestly I wouldn't mind if I didn't have any more children at all. Although I would like another child its not an absolute must-have for me. If I do have more children I can either be a stay at home mom, work from home mom or work outside of the home. I would rather know how compatible my match is with me as a whole and how well he will treat the child I allready have before I worry about having kids with that person. For me having more children and whether or not I stay at home with them is a variable option. In all relationships there has to be some changes/accomodations made. You can't possibly expect to find someone with your exact views on everything. That's what compromise is for....
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #19  July 21,2008, 1:54pm

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MPdoc68,180570 wrote :

That mechanism is very limited (the definition of "traditional gender roles" seems to imply different things to different people and I have read here how some women are offended by the question even being asked! Why? I'm not telling you what to do...I just want to know your thoughts and future plans because if you want to be full-time "career woman" your whole life, I don't see any point in continuing. You can be whatever you want, that is just not what I am looking for (I won't do the daycare/latchkey-kid thing...the dual-income benefit is not worth it for me). It would just be nice if the issue were just stated plainly...

Hi Doc,


I completely agree with you that this is an important issue where different goals would definitely be a deal breaker for some.


It is funny that you should bring up the traditional gender role question. I have only had one guy ask the traditional gender role question. I choose the answer that I like traditional gender roles and I always wondered what HE thought that meant (Did he picture a girl just waiting for a man to begin her life??). Itis not a very good questionfor an issuelike this that should be discussed. And I agree, that it should be discussed early in the dating stages.


I've noticed that it is often easier to ask and respond to these types of question when you have just met (met = open communication). There is no emotional investment so people are generally more open and true, at least I think so.


It would be nice if eH had something better to capture this data but they don't. Same thing with the wanting kids question - maybe answer is too vague. I would also like to know if someone has been divorced and how many times. Do they have kids, how often do they see them and how many mothers are involved.And I wouldlike to know when did the last serious relationship end and how long was that serious relationship. But I guess these are questions that I need to get answered in OC. No biggie, at least it provides topics to be discussed and hopefully the other person is not thinking...geesh is this girl going to expect me to propose the first time we go out? Ha! Ha!


PS - If I have kids, I want to stay home with my kids until they are in school. Once in school, I want to be there when they get out of school for the day. I prefer to raise my kids not the village. No offense to anyone else. It is just something that I strongly believe in for me and my family.
 
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Tahoe2K is offline Tahoe2K Post #20  July 21,2008, 2:21pm

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LizziePooh,180601 wrote :

I completely agree with you that this is an important issue where different goals would definitely be a deal breaker for some.


It is funny that you should bring up the traditional gender role question. I have only had one guy ask the traditional gender role question. I choose the answer that I like traditional gender roles and I always wondered what HE thought that meant (Did he picture a girl just waiting for a man to begin her life??). Itis not a very good questionfor an issuelike this that should be discussed. And I agree, that it should be discussed early in the dating stages.


I've noticed that it is often easier to ask and respond to these types of question when you have just met (met = open communication). There is no emotional investment so people are generally more open and true, at least I think so.


It would be nice if eH had something better to capture this data but they don't. Same thing with the wanting kids question - maybe answer is too vague. I would also like to know if someone has been divorced and how many times. Do they have kids, how often do they see them and how many mothers are involved.And I wouldlike to know when did the last serious relationship end and how long was that serious relationship. But I guess these are questions that I need to get answered in OC. No biggie, at least it provides topics to be discussed and hopefully the other person is not thinking...geesh is this girl going to expect me to propose the first time we go out? Ha! Ha!


PS - If I have kids, I want to stay home with my kids until they are in school. Once in school, I want to be there when they get out of school for the day. I prefer to raise my kids not the village. No offense to anyone else. It is just something that I strongly believe in for me and my family.



I would never ask the "gender roles" question. I just can't see that being interpreted in a good way.


I'll agree too that it would be nice to know if someone has children or not and if so how many. It would go a long way in helping me determine whether maybe means “probably” versus “probably not”.
 
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