Are You Ambivalent About a Relationship?

Are You Ambivalent About a Relationship?

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Are You Ambivalent About a Relationship?


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  January 27,2008, 6:47pm

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Is it them or is it you? Your ambivalence towards love and relationships could be sabotaging your chances at meeting the right person. Learn how to overcome ambivalence without ignoring your instincts.
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #2  January 27,2008, 6:47pm
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I like this article. In my 20's I found myself ambivalent about relationships especially if they got in the way of certain goals I had for myself. I don't think I'm as ambivalent as before. I like the advice to pretend you're not ambivalent andact in a loving and accepting way and the this will often be the deciding factor. All the best to those looking for love.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #3  January 27,2008, 7:10pm
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I have to confess that I am ambivalent. I want a relationship, but I treasure my solitude. I'm not sure how to balance those two needs, or if they can be balanced at all. So any man who enters my life will have to fit in precisely, and not violate my need for lots of "alone time". He'll have to be pretty self-sufficient himself and not need coddling or constant company - in fact, having his own (separate) home will be a must. I'm not a good housekeeper or cook, so he has to be independent and not need a mommy. Not many of those guys around here ...

But there's no compromise on that. I cannot lose my solitude and remain sane.
 
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Nancy24 is offline Nancy24 Post #4  January 31,2008, 9:44pm
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Spider,53558 wrote :

I have to confess that I am ambivalent. I want a relationship, but I treasure my solitude. I'm not sure how to balance those two needs, or if they can be balanced at all. So any man who enters my life will have to fit in precisely, and not violate my need for lots of "alone time". He'll have to be pretty self-sufficient himself and not need coddling or constant company - in fact, having his own (separate) home will be a must. I'm not a good housekeeper or cook, so he has to be independent and not need a mommy. Not many of those guys around here ...

But there's no compromise on that. I cannot lose my solitude and remain sane.
Hi Spider, I SO AGREE with your comments about your ambivalence! I have felt this way for years, and I have often wondered if there was something "wrong" with me for wanting to not let go of my solitude. I want true intimacy and a deep connection with someone that I cherish, but I don't necessarily want to live with that someone! The idea of having to supply constant company just makes me cringe at the very thought! I want to come home and think "hurray, solitude" instead of "oh great, he's going to be there wanting dinner and to talk to me." Yes I know, it sounds like I must be horribly asocial, but i'm really not. I just like having time to myself where I don't have to consider for even one moment, anyone's needs but my own. Do you suppose, Spider, that it's because we relate too intensely when we ARE with someone? I do tend to focus a lot of attention completely on the other person. I'm always aware that someone else is around, when they are. I"m a mother to two teenage sons, and even though they spend a ton of time in their bedrooms and don't interact with me all that much, and they're no trouble at all when they're home, I still LOVE it when I have the house completely to myself. And I don't know what your experiences have been, but in my experience, many men think I'm weird and wonde why I'm even on eHarmony. They assume I must not really want a relationship. I figure if they can't understand my needing space and alone time, then they are too needy for me. And I hold fast to my ideals and will not settle! We deserve what we most desire! So I trust thatthe right relationship is out there for me (and for you), because the "right" relationship means above all, the one I have with myself. I am very content with my life, and the right relationship would greatly enhance it, because who can't use more love in their life, right? But the wrong relationship, settling for less than what I want, would be a travesty. So hang in there -- you are not alone, and now I know I'm not alone either!
 
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blueshoe is offline blueshoe Post #5  January 31,2008, 11:51pm
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Great article . I am in my 40's. Maybe I am ambivalent..I thought God just isn't bringing anyone.
 
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Uncle Apple is offline Uncle Apple Post #6  February 3,2008, 3:19pm
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I'm in my 40s, too. But I find that if I think a relationship is going well, I will reveal some secrets I wouldn't reveal other wise, especially if I have an agreement with a lady that I'll be open and she'll be open. But other things, I am secretive about. I figure it's all about going slow. There is, however, such a thing as too slow.
 
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mystikchik is offline mystikchik Post #7  February 4,2008, 11:13am

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I am not at all ambivalent about arelationship. I am open to casual relationshps--one night stand with or without sex--usually without. Longer tem relationshps with or without sex--uusally with. Friendships with or without sex--a mixed bag so to speak.

But I come first. I have my studies.I have my futurecareer goals. I have my travel goals. All of this comes way before any relationship.

No. I am not ambivalent about relationships. I love being single and free to do as I please. I don't want to have to ask permission to turn my music way up; I don't want to negotiate what I am going to eat for supper; I want both sides of the bed; I don't want to clean up after anyone-sometimes even myself; I want to take long hot baths whenever I feel like it; I want to stay in control of my sex life--no one owns it and no one gets to tell me I must do it tonight; I don't want to negotiate what television shows are going to be on--I don't even want a tv in the house; I dress the way I want and have no interest in talking about this with some guy--I will show as much of me as I want when I want and don't want or need any guy telling me not to do so: I expect to be sexually pleasured and if the guy is unwilling to do so he is the one who is wrong not me and it is him not me who will be sent packing--the list could be extended.

I am not at all ambivalent: I plan on jealouslyguarding my rights to live life on my terms. Does this make me selfish and unmarriable? Probably...so be it.
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #8  February 4,2008, 7:16pm
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Hi Spider:

I feel the same way but with women, I need my own space specially after work. Just like toslow down with some exercise or just reading my email privately without someone looking over my shoulder. And yes seperate residence is a must, like my own space and my items in the right spot.



from Haruo
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #9  February 4,2008, 7:26pm
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Hi mystickchick:

You sound very independent and this is great if you want to be single all your life. Nothing wrong with the way you think. However If you want to get married and specially have children. This attitude would have to change for sure for a lasting loving marriage. sounds like you enjoy life to the fullest and have much fun. I suggest for you to just have aquaintance boyfriends to just have sex with for your own needs and your girlfriends to go out with and do activities with such as shopping or going to see movies or dining out. This way you will always get your way and have a fullfilling single life. If you yearn for a different life then make changes but otherwise continue your lifestyle for the rest of your life time on earth. If you chose the marriage life, be prepared for changes and these changes will last a long time, and some are irreversable. take care and hope this helps you in your question of whether you are selfish.

from Haruo
 
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BottomsUp is offline BottomsUp Post #10  February 4,2008, 8:40pm
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MyStickChick-

Love what you wrote- don't agree with much of it but I enjoyed how you put it out there.



Trust me on this one, what you describe doesn't make you unmarriable or even permanently selfish... It just makes you 22
 
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