At what point in a dating relationship should a chronic medical condition be revealed?


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oceanlady is offline oceanlady Post #1  February 12,2012, 4:16pm
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If you had a chronic medical condition such as cancer, diabetes, epilepsy, ADD, bipolar disorder, etc., at what point in a dating relationship would you reveal this info to the other person? Have you ever had a time in the past when you wish you had revealed it sooner or later based on not getting a favorable response? Or , on the other hand, have you had a person you were dating reveal a medical condition to you and if so , how did the timing and the way they disclosed it influence your reaction? Do you think that stating medical conditions up front should be an option when you sign up for dating services?
 
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Holiday_HH is offline Holiday_HH Post #2  February 12,2012, 4:39pm
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Hi. I posted about this issue in another thread. I think it needs to be brought up as soon as you are thinking about exclusivity/anything long term.

This is what I posted before In another post about when to disclose cancer (some of it may not apply):

I wanted to weigh in here because this is directly related to my recent experiences. I think that, while it is ultimately up to you when you are comfortable sharing this information, I think as soon as you are considering a long-term thing it should come up. I can't really give you any advice in HOW to tell him but I think it needs to be said. Regardless of whether a person is in remission or not - this may be a life-altering price of information. It takes time for the their person to process. As the other person - you need to have time and space to decide whether this is something you can handle or not. I think if it's too far into the relationship and you tell the person the reaction may not be as...objective (not sure if that's really the best word to use). Let me try to explain. Let's say our partner had experienced this before and knows that they cannot handle it again - this is something that you need to know in order to make sure you are with the best person for you long term. But I think the longer you are together, the harder it will be to consider the actual issue at hand.

I know this probably sounds harsh (and convoluted) but I've been in this place before. Having an illness/condition/whatever... You need to surround yourself with people that can and will support you. A number of years ago I was told that I needed a kidney transplant. I was lucky - I had the transplant and it worked. I felt fine and life was great. I met someone and we started "dating". Things were not serious until one day they really were. I told him about the surgury - he was upset that I hadn't told him before. After a few long discussions he sad he felt trapped by this - we were in love so he didn't really have a choice but to deal with it did he? (harsh, I know - he was angry but we got past it). And then I got sick again and I think, even though he truly never said anything and really didn't mean to, he got resentful because we were young and he was spending a lot of his life in the hospital with me. I eventually broke up with him because I didn't think we would be able to recover from it. Now, looking back, I wonder if I had given him enough of a chance to come to terms with it.

I don't say this to scare you or guilt you into telling someone you're by ready to tell. But - I think that you really need to allow the other person to come to terms with what they could potentially be signing up for. That's not something that needs to be addressed if the unspeakable happens.

Just my two cents though.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  February 12,2012, 5:37pm
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oceanlady wrote :
If you had a chronic medical condition such as cancer, diabetes, epilepsy, ADD, bipolar disorder, etc., at what point in a dating relationship would you reveal this info to the other person? Have you ever had a time in the past when you wish you had revealed it sooner or later based on not getting a favorable response? Or , on the other hand, have you had a person you were dating reveal a medical condition to you and if so , how did the timing and the way they disclosed it influence your reaction? Do you think that stating medical conditions up front should be an option when you sign up for dating services?
I believe that serious medical conditions should be discussed up front. I think it should be discussed during the initial stages of communication. I don't think it is fair for the other person to be without knowledge of such a situation, especially if it is a life consuming situation. The other person should be aware that way he/she can decide if he/she is able to handle such a situaiton. I know I would want to know if my partner has a chronic ailment which may be potentially life threatening. I would not want my date to die on me all of a sudden and I am left out in the dark. I would not want my date to have seizures or dizzy spells or collapse in front of me and I don't know what's going on.

If someone is suffering from a mental disorder, then I definitely think that should be discussed prior to meeting. It doesn't have to be the first thing discussed, but it needs to come out because the last thing I want to deal with is for me to be going out with "Cybil" and she spazzes out on me without provocation. Or she manic one minute and depressed and suicidal the next minute.

Point is that it is important for such conditions to be known prior to dating. The other person should be given the opportunity to decide if he/she can handle such a situation.

B.Y.
 
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eccemuliere is offline eccemuliere Post #4  February 12,2012, 6:51pm
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I think in the beginning you should get to know the person and don't bring it up until you have decided to get serious. I think we often feel like we have to be upfront about every detail of our lives but if you give someone time to get to know you better, they will take this info in context of who you are as a person. There are lots of people with health and mental health conditions who live a productive happy life so it's probably rare that someone will die on you or break into a idfferent personality halfway through a date. Besides, it's always good to keep the topic of conversation light at first. If they get to know you and then react negatively to your medical condition, then it would not have worked anyhow. Best of luck!
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #5  February 12,2012, 6:54pm
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eccemuliere wrote :
I think in the beginning you should get to know the person and don't bring it up until you have decided to get serious. I think we often feel like we have to be upfront about every detail of our lives but if you give someone time to get to know you better, they will take this info in context of who you are as a person. There are lots of people with health and mental health conditions who live a productive happy life so it's probably rare that someone will die on you or break into a idfferent personality halfway through a date. Besides, it's always good to keep the topic of conversation light at first. If they get to know you and then react negatively to your medical condition, then it would not have worked anyhow. Best of luck!
Word on the boards is that's most likely to happen if they haven't been diagnosed. They can't share it then since they don't know yet.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  February 12,2012, 7:10pm
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I ahev done other threads on this.

Is the chronic medical condition something the other would see on a first date/first meeting?

If yes then you should tell her about it at some point from open communication prior to the first date. likely on the ohone where its easier to explain.

If no..then you could wait till after the first meet to tell them.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #7  February 12,2012, 7:22pm
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Agree with AmI on this one. Is it something that will be obvious or have some impact immediately? If not, then I think it's fine to wait until you get to know someone a little first. However, I think a really serious condition should be revealed sooner rather than later as it may have more of an impact on future plans. The truth is that some people simply can't deal with soemthing that serious.

If it's chronic but not serious, I don't think it's that big a deal. I have migraines--something I've lived with forever and will continue to do so. There are times when they play a part in my daily life but there are many people in my world who I've known for years who don't know because it's never had any negative effect on our plans. Something like that needs to be revealed at some point, but it's not likely to be a dealbreaker IMHO so it's not that big a deal.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 12,2012, 7:31pm
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It is difficult to answer this question with a concrete answer without knowing more about the specific condition to which you might be referring, though I believe you will find the general consensus to be disclosing the condition as early on in the relationship as possible.

With some conditions there are physical cues - for example, I walk with a cane due to permanent injuries from an auto accident that were not repairable via surgery. Everyone can see that I walk with a cane, but only those with whom I disclose my situation know about my condition: I have multiple herniated disks at multiple levels of my spine, degenerative disk disease, permanent nerve damage on the left side and down my leg, and rheumatoid arthritis. In addition to the cane, I often employ the use of motorized carts or wheelchairs when the distance I need to walk is more than that which I am able.

When I was dating, I didn't put any of this in my profile. First of all, I thought it was TMI, and second, I didn't want to attract predators or those who might prey on me because of my situation. I always discussed that I walk with a cane prior to the first meeting, and by the second or so date, described my chronic medical condition as clearly and concisely as possible allowing my date to ask questions or cover any concerns he might have had. I also tried to convey that though I have this condition that I have made adaptations to allow me to live as normal a life as possible. I think one's attitude about one's condition also goes a long way in communicating one's condition to one's date. Had I been like Eeyore and been all 'woe is me' about it, I doubt sincerely that I would have been asked on a second date.

@oceanlady, without knowing the specific situation, it is difficult to provide an answer, but I hope that relating my situation has been a bit helpful. It help us frame our answers if you were able to elaborate a little bit on your situation.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  February 13,2012, 8:38am
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I agree with previous posters that I don't think there is one right answer that spans conditions. I think a lot of it will have to do with the severity of the condition and the degree to which it impacts your day to day life and dating.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #10  February 13,2012, 9:10am
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oceanlady wrote :
If you had a chronic medical condition such as cancer, diabetes, epilepsy, ADD, bipolar disorder, etc., at what point in a dating relationship would you reveal this info to the other person?
I, personally, would want to know by the end of the first or second date, so I can evaluate whether to proceed or not.

If I had such a condition I would disclose before the first date so as to give a match first option of refusal to continue without possible discomfort or accusations of dishonesty.

wrote :
Have you ever had a time in the past when you wish you had revealed it sooner or later based on not getting a favorable response?
I have no significant medical conditions. However, I am partly colorblind and I mention this on first dates. Usually in a funny self-deprecating way to elicit a smile or laugh.

wrote :
Or , on the other hand, have you had a person you were dating reveal a medical condition to you and if so , how did the timing and the way they disclosed it influence your reaction?
Yes, I've had dates reveal medical conditions before meeting as well as on first dates. I appreciated knowing both times and continued to date both women.

But I also dated one woman who did not tell me until almost 3 months into our "relationship" that she was taking some pretty heavy anti-depressants and saw a therapist regularly. I did not appreciate her waiting that long to tell me.

wrote :
Do you think that stating medical conditions up front should be an option when you sign up for dating services?
Sure it could be an option, I suppose. I don't think it should be a requirement for member ship (depending on the type of dating site obviously). However, I believe it is always incumbent upon the individual to disclose important personal medical information to dates in a comfortable but timely manner.
 
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