Caught myself a newbie! Now what?


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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  February 11,2012, 5:05pm
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Considering how many newbie e-dating members we have posting about their experiences on various dating sites, I wanted to start a thread that would be a list of helpful suggestions of not only what we should expect from them but what we should do as the more experienced side of the equation.

So, when dealing with a new e-dating match, what do you do? What do you suggest?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  February 11,2012, 5:42pm
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I am not sure that I understand what you are asking about in this thread but I will give an answer and see if it is what you are looking for.

1) I never ask any match about their experience on eHarmony or any other sites therefore I would not know that they are a newbie or not. Generally speaking you would not be able to tell that someone is a newbie from their profile or other outward signs.

2) My first clue that a match is a newbie is when they say that they would be interested in meeting (for the first date) and then are never heard from again.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  February 11,2012, 5:45pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Considering how many newbie e-dating members we have posting about their experiences on various dating sites, I wanted to start a thread that would be a list of helpful suggestions of not only what we should expect from them but what we should do as the more experienced side of the equation.

So, when dealing with a new e-dating match, what do you do? What do you suggest?
Be yourself. Being a newbie isn't a big deal. Someone has to start somewhere. But, I don't think one needs to treat a new match like they are cognitively challenged.

If they ask you questions about your online dating experiences, then exercise discretion, but answer basic questions as honestly as possible. Other than that, they should not be new to dating. They could always use the knowledge they know about conventional dating and apply it towards online dating.

You may want to share what type of protocol you follow with online dating and see if said person is willing to go along with it. Other than that, consider yourself lucky because at least you know they aren't playing the tired online games that the "veterans" play. lol

B.Y.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #4  February 11,2012, 6:06pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
So, when dealing with a new e-dating match, what do you do? What do you suggest?
I'd do the same I would with any other non-newbie date.. evaluate if we had chemistry and other compatibilities.. and then respond accordingly.

I'm not acting as an ambassador for eHarmony or online dating in general.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 11,2012 at 6:09pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 11,2012, 6:17pm
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BabyYoda wrote :
Other than that, consider yourself lucky because at least you know they aren't playing the tired online games that the "veterans" play. lol

B.Y.
True! But, you also have to consider how newbies react to certain things.

An example would be e-mails. You are exchanging some quickfire messages but then there is a lag from you because you took out the trash or got a phone call. The other person sends an "are you still there?" message. Sometimes even worse! They assume you aren't interested because you didn't answer in 15 minutes so they close you.

So, how do we address this? Do we assume everyone knows the "game" played online or do we try some better communication?

I'm not suggesting kid gloves be used. But, rather than assuming that we are all on the same page, what can "we" do as veterans to be sure they don't get scared off or jaded within the first few days of using an online dating site.

@Gr8 - Most of my newbies tell me they are new. It shows, too. They have profiles that scream "I don't know what I'm doing" and they seem "lost" in their messages. They sometimes ask me if they are messing up/doing OK in the process. I typically say yes and then move on to a different topic, especially if I'm highly interested.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #6  February 11,2012, 6:33pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
They assume you aren't interested because you didn't answer in 15 minutes so they close you.

So, how do we address this?
I don't! If someone can't handle a 15-minute lapse in communication, we have vastly different communication styles, and I'd consider them incompatible. That's not a "simple newbie error". At my most impatient, I gave matches a week to respond. It would really be okay if they closed me!

wrote :
what can "we" do as veterans to be sure they don't get scared off or jaded within the first few days of using an online dating site.
Again, I'm not an eHarmony ambassador when I'm dating, and ensuring that someone does not become jaded is not part of my job description.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 11,2012, 6:43pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Again, I'm not an eHarmony ambassador when I'm dating, and ensuring that someone does not become jaded is not part of my job description.
Remove the eHarmony from that and try again. LOL I'm looking for "general" stuff, not just eH related items. You also seem to be taking this a little too black and white. While it might be nice to go about and just expect everyone to "get" what they are supposed to do with regards to online dating, why not try being a tiny bit more empathetic to your fellow matches.

I'm also not talking about inappropriate behavior. If someone can't figure out that asking a girls bra size is not OK (on or offline) that's a whole different ball of wax.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #8  February 11,2012, 6:49pm
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I'm not sure if this question was about newbie posters, or newbie online daters.

I remember being a newbie. My first instinct was to run. By that I mean put off a meet, as GrtGuy mentioned. I think it's important to share positive stories about meeting early. Don't just say that's what you do because you're such a wonderful judge of character, but repeat the safety rules and tell them their reluctance is normal, and that it goes away. They'll be okay.

You'll wind up with fewer newbie poofers and penpals that way.

I also like the advice given about temporary email addresses when moving off the dating site. They don't give out too much information, but they're a great stepping stone to get to know a new match better for a few days. They build confidence and are easy to close if you do wind up with a crazy match.

I think you should also stress that phone conversations can be had without giving out your business or personal phone number for the first call. I don't know if eH still offers that, but I hope so.

My second instinct was to romanticize a match. It's important for newbie online daters to make it to the first date without falling in love via keyboard first. Point out that can happen, and that it's not real, as often as you can. There'll be fewer disappointments and fewer rushed relationships.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #9  February 11,2012, 6:51pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I am not sure that I understand what you are asking about in this thread but I will give an answer and see if it is what you are looking for.

1) I never ask any match about their experience on eHarmony or any other sites therefore I would not know that they are a newbie or not. Generally speaking you would not be able to tell that someone is a newbie from their profile or other outward signs.

2) My first clue that a match is a newbie is when they say that they would be interested in meeting (for the first date) and then are never heard from again.
Completely agree. Asking about their experiences is like asking about their exes. The last thing you want to hear is, "yeah, I've been dating online for N years and have been on X-hundred dates and they've all been LOSERS!"
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  February 11,2012, 7:29pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Remove the eHarmony from that and try again. LOL I'm looking for "general" stuff, not just eH related items. You also seem to be taking this a little too black and white. While it might be nice to go about and just expect everyone to "get" what they are supposed to do with regards to online dating, why not try being a tiny bit more empathetic to your fellow matches.
The first piece of advice that I would give to any online dater is that it's not different. The only "difference" is that you are meeting a stranger from a profile on a computer instead of meeting a stranger, well... anywhere else. I think that is one of the biggest mistakes that so-called newbies make. I had one guy call me on the phone (I was his first ever online contact) and he said "Well, I'd really like to ask you on a date, but I'm not sure what the protocol is for online dating?" Um.... you just do whatever you would do when asking a girl for a date IRL. Duh!


harnomygirl wrote :
I remember being a newbie. My first instinct was to run. By that I mean put off a meet, as GrtGuy mentioned. I think it's important to share positive stories about meeting early. Don't just say that's what you do because you're such a wonderful judge of character, but repeat the safety rules and tell them their reluctance is normal, and that it goes away. They'll be okay.

You'll wind up with fewer newbie poofers and penpals that way.
I disagree that it's "normal" for newbie online daters to be "reluctant". Nervous, yes. Let's face it, it's pretty weird meeting a complete stranger for a "date", but if you follow common sense, meeting in public places, etc. there should be no reluctance or fear involved. If you're experiencing reluctance and fear with meeting people you don't already know, then you probably shouldn't be dating. Or at least not dating people you haven't known long enough to feel comfortable around.

Me, I enjoy that slightly feeling of nervousness before a date. It's a very similar feeling to giddiness, which is so nice when you're in the early stages of getting to know someone new. It's those "butterflies" that everyone talks about. But, if I feel apprehensive or reluctant, that's not a good sign.

So, nervousness = good. Reluctance/fear = bad. And that's true for a newbie dater or for anyone else for that matter.

harnomygirl wrote :
I also like the advice given about temporary email addresses when moving off the dating site. They don't give out too much information, but they're a great stepping stone to get to know a new match better for a few days. They build confidence and are easy to close if you do wind up with a crazy match.
I don't know why more people don't think of this. It's so easy to set up a gmail or hotmail or yahoo address. I have addresses with my screen name @whatever.com and that's the only email addy I give out to my online dates.


harnomygirl wrote :
My second instinct was to romanticize a match. It's important for newbie online daters to make it to the first date without falling in love via keyboard first. Point out that can happen, and that it's not real, as often as you can. There'll be fewer disappointments and fewer rushed relationships.
Well, I think it's good not to "fall in love with a profile" but if I can't be at least a little excited to meet a new match, then I really shouldn't be meeting him. So, I would tell that newbie dater that it's OK to expect your date to be as described on paper... but that sometimes they will not be. Or, maybe they're exactly as described on paper... but you just don't "feel it" for them. The simple fact is that most first meetings with online dates do not lead to relationships. Some do, but that's probably more rare than you would hope.
 
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