Being blown off, or something else?


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eccemuliere is offline eccemuliere Post #1  February 11,2012, 9:06am
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I have a situation I'd like another perspective on, especially from a male viewpoint (I'm a female)...

I have been on EH for about 6 months. Two months ago I was matched with someone and we completed guided communication in a week or so. I was (and still am) very excited to pursue things, as we seem to have a lot in common and the same goals and values in life.

We communicated through EH email for a few weeks, responding to each other every other day, until suddenly I didn't hear from him for a week. I sent a message to see how he was doing, and he apologized and explained that an extremely stressful event in his life had occured but he did want to keep getting to know one another. We then started emailing each other outside of EH, at about the same pace as before.

A few weeks later, another week went by without hearing from him. I decided to send another email to see how he was and it turns out his situation (a fmaily member's illness) had become even more stressful. I completely respect this guy and his situation, so I decided to back off and give him some space but told him I would be there for him if he wanted to talk. I gave him my muber, since we had only communicated via email up to this point.

It has now been two and a half weeks since this exchange and I haven't heard from him at all. I'm pretty disappointed since I find him very attractive and he seems like an amazing dad (I am also a single parent so this is important) and a really great guy all around. I felt like we were building a great connection and it's sad to see that end.

I feel like there is a chance that he's just too busy and stressed out to respond, but at the same time, after a certain point if you decide not to pursue something with another person, I think it is polite to say so. I haven't seen anything in the past two months since we've been matched to make me believe he is a flake or an inconsiderate person, but I can't help feeling like I've been blown off. I wish he'd let me know if he's lost interest or if this is just not a good time to pursue a relationship.

I have decided not to email him again just because a) if he is overwhlemed right now, I don't want to add to that, or b) if he is blowing me off, what can I do about it? I know that in time I will find the right guy for me and I don't see the point in chasing a man that's lost interest.

So what do you guys think? Am I being blown off or just being impatient? Should I give it another chance or give up on it and move on?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  February 11,2012, 9:32am
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It is odd he makes enough time to sign up for and communicate through dating sites....but repeatedly has "all this stress"..and only when prompted and asked by you.

He has probably moved on .He may or may not have family stress....but uses this as the reason for not communicing...and more importantly..... setting up a date /meet.....Good Luck...
eccemuliere wrote :
We communicated through EH email for a few weeks, responding to each other every other day, until suddenly I didn't hear from him for a week.

A few weeks later, another week went by without hearing from him.

It has now been two and a half weeks since this exchange and I haven't heard from him at all.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #3  February 11,2012, 9:36am
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eccemuliere wrote :
I have a situation I'd like another perspective on, especially from a male viewpoint (I'm a female)...

I have been on EH for about 6 months. Two months ago I was matched with someone and we completed guided communication in a week or so. I was (and still am) very excited to pursue things, as we seem to have a lot in common and the same goals and values in life.

We communicated through EH email for a few weeks, responding to each other every other day, until suddenly I didn't hear from him for a week. I sent a message to see how he was doing, and he apologized and explained that an extremely stressful event in his life had occured but he did want to keep getting to know one another. We then started emailing each other outside of EH, at about the same pace as before.

A few weeks later, another week went by without hearing from him. I decided to send another email to see how he was and it turns out his situation (a fmaily member's illness) had become even more stressful. I completely respect this guy and his situation, so I decided to back off and give him some space but told him I would be there for him if he wanted to talk. I gave him my muber, since we had only communicated via email up to this point.

It has now been two and a half weeks since this exchange and I haven't heard from him at all. I'm pretty disappointed since I find him very attractive and he seems like an amazing dad (I am also a single parent so this is important) and a really great guy all around. I felt like we were building a great connection and it's sad to see that end.

I feel like there is a chance that he's just too busy and stressed out to respond, but at the same time, after a certain point if you decide not to pursue something with another person, I think it is polite to say so. I haven't seen anything in the past two months since we've been matched to make me believe he is a flake or an inconsiderate person, but I can't help feeling like I've been blown off. I wish he'd let me know if he's lost interest or if this is just not a good time to pursue a relationship.

I have decided not to email him again just because a) if he is overwhlemed right now, I don't want to add to that, or b) if he is blowing me off, what can I do about it? I know that in time I will find the right guy for me and I don't see the point in chasing a man that's lost interest.

So what do you guys think? Am I being blown off or just being impatient? Should I give it another chance or give up on it and move on?

I am curious in knowing why did the both of you take so long to get to the phone stage of communication? Why haven't the both of you met yet?

As for your match's situation, I am going to tell you this much. If any match tells you that he is going through a stressful time due to an illness in the family or death, then that is your cue to back off and prepare to move on. I do believe the guy is interested in you, but since the both of you are still strangers(never met yet which is when it really counts), then you are not a priority in his life which is the reason why he hasn't been consistently keeping in touch with you. Two and a half weeks is a very long time not to communicate with someone and if taking a few minutes out of one's schedule to say hello or keep someone updated with their situation is too much, then said person clearly isn't ready to date anyone.

If I were you, I would definitely cut your losses and move on, but I would not necessarily close the door completely on him. What you do is keep the door open for him to reach back with you, but you also need start pursuing other matches. I understand that this person is great guy and a great dad, but I will never accept that he is the only great guy/dad out there for you to date.

I share your frustration when meeting great people who have a lot on their plate, but it is just the way the ball bounces in life. It is only right for you to respect his space, back off and focus on your family, your other obligations as well as begin the process of moving on to pursue other matches. When your main interest decides to get back in touch with you, then he will do so. At that point, you can decide whether you would still like to start where things left off or politely decline his advances and pursue someone else.

B.Y.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  February 11,2012, 9:36am
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For me personally, assuming the situation doesn't call for surgery using my kitchen knives, I'll let the professionals handle the "family illness," and not risk losing a good potential partner.

Rumor has it I'm an outlier, though.

***

I think one of two choices is your best bet, here:

- Make extra effort to meet. Go to his location, at a time convenient to him. Plan a meeting. Use language like "I think you need a break ..." If he fails on an easy meeting, walk away.

- Send him a message to contact you when he is ready. This is what I would recommend to a man waiting on a flakey woman, but I'm not sure it makes as much sense in your case.

***

Bottom line is that a person who cancels or delays a meeting, has the burden of rescheduling the meeting. If he is not, then I say he is not worth any more effort.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 11,2012, 9:49am
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I think we all make time for what we want to make time for. He is delaying for some reason.. If indeed there is family stress then he is not ready to date. My gut tells me there's more going on here, and he is waiting to see if another situation works out. A man who is interested would have scheduled at least a quick lunch or sent an e mail explaining the issue without being prompted. I am not buying family stress, I think it's a delaying tactic. Stress is a part of life, and if he turns into himself during tough times without communicating what does that say about him? It's like the guy telling you he's busy... read between the lines. It's how he chooses to handle this I have a problem with.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #6  February 11,2012, 9:51am
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You have developed an emotional bond with a personification. He has not, you are only pen pals at best. I believe him about the crisis in his life at this time and in such a situation, a pen pal falls to the bottom of the priority list.

He may come back to you in written form, when things settle down, it is unlikely he will call you. If he does, you must take this to in person as soon as you are both available.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #7  February 11,2012, 10:10am
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eccemuliere wrote :
I'm pretty disappointed since I find him very attractive and he seems like an amazing dad (I am also a single parent so this is important) and a really great guy all around. I felt like we were building a great connection and it's sad to see that end.
Generally, connections over e-mail are a fantasy. If you want to build a connection, or even see if you're compatible, the reliable way to do that is in-person. This is probably the most common mistake made by online dating newbies.

wrote :
I have decided not to email him again just because a) if he is overwhlemed right now, I don't want to add to that, or b) if he is blowing me off, what can I do about it? I know that in time I will find the right guy for me and I don't see the point in chasing a man that's lost interest.
If he, at any point, made proposals to meet or talk on the phone that you ignored or rejected ("let's take things slow").. it's possible he got cool because he wants a real romantic relationship. In that case, you might salvage things by suggesting an actual date.

Added - It's also just possible what he said is true. Like LD says, when my life gets crazy I have time for family, best friends, and girlfriends. Not so much for "acquaintances" or "penpals". Maybe stay in touch and ask him out when the coast is clear again.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 11,2012 at 10:16am.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #8  February 11,2012, 10:31am
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You are too invested in someone you've never met. As such, you have created who he is from a few written exchanges and put all your eggs in one basket.

His personal/family stress is irrelevant at this point, as you don't even know him. Until you've met in person and spent considerable time together, you can spend hours of time and energy hypothesizing all the 'what ifs' and still not know for sure.

Find matches who are willing to meet and don't put so much effort into this 'one.'

Good luck!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  February 11,2012, 11:06am
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I don't know who is not stepping up and planning a first date. But if you and your match take more than a week, it really should not take more than 3 days, to get through Guided Communication and then do not have a first date planned within the first week after reaching Open Communication (e-mail) then that is a clear sign that one or the both of you are not really interested in meeting.

He has lost interest and has moved on to other matches that either he finds more interesting or who are more interested in meeting and building a relationship than having an e-mail buddy.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  February 11,2012, 11:15am
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You have a pen pal congratulations......


When it comes to online dating if you are interested and you both live in the same metro area or within and hr or so apart...from the time of getting to open communication you should try and meet face to face within 2 weeks.

Never assume you are the only one he is talking to. I bet he likely had other dates lines up when he stopped talking to you and see how they work out...then go to plan B (you).

It is quite common in the online world of communication where you can forget to communicate with someone when you are doing something else like business travel, a planned vacation taken before you started talking, or something like a serious health issue with a close family member could have you forget about talking to this other person.
 
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