Am I overthinking or are things over?


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georgia_peachy is offline georgia_peachy Post #1  February 10,2012, 12:29pm
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I have been talking with someone over eharmony since early December and we've been dating since January. Things have been very fun and positive, and I feel like we're both on the same page (we have a ton in common, but are taking our time and not dating exclusively). We've been consistent with communication, usually a quick phone call or two a week and a low-key date every week. The last time we spoke on the phone, he was sick and so we naturally didn't talk about going on a date. I asked if he wanted me to call and check on him the next day, to which he said, "yes." We chatted a bit the next day; he sounded like he was feeling somewhat better, and we left it at that.

It's now been a week since we last spoke, and almost two weeks since we last went out. During the time we've dated, I've followed the "dating rule" of not calling him unless I'm returning a missed call. I've been told enough times that if a guy wants to see you, he'll call (and coming from a former-clingy girl, this is a huge step for me). Although since it's been a week, which is really atypical, I left him a message today see how he was doing.

Already I'm wondering if calling him a week later is too clingy or paranoid of me. I really like him, but if this is the sign of someone losing interest, I don't want to get myself hurt. Am I overreacting or reading a signal that he's no longer interested?
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #2  February 10,2012, 2:31pm
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You did the right thing by calling him. The idea about not calling guys is more applicable in the first 2 or 3 dates, if you don't show some initiative once his interest in you is clear, he will think you are distinterested.

Based on what you have described, your short phone conversations and infrequent casual dates suggest things were not progressing or picking up speed.

All you can do is wait and see if he returns your call, if you don't hear from him in a week I'd say he changed his mind or moved on. If he does call and you do see him again, I'd suggest you tell him that you like him and find out if he is on the same page as far as investing more time in this goes.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  February 10,2012, 2:45pm
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Unfortunately, your "rule" of sitting around waiting on a man may have backfired....

I'm not sure where you learned this but it's just a silly game....Call when you feel like calling, and after a date or two...the woman should be offering to plan and pay for a date as well...You can't expect a man to do everything....that is not a balanced relationship whatsoever...

He may have lost interest as you didn't show any towards him...but maybe the next time around you will throw out the rules and just have fun and show mutual interest...

I'm curious about who brought up the "take our time" comment....What does that mean to you? Dating is about getting to know someone...but if there is not even any hand holding or kissing within some of the dates...then it's like sitting there with a friend...It's not about sleeping with someone right away...it's about showing interest...

I hope things go better the next time around...
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  February 10,2012, 2:50pm
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I agree with the comments above. After the first couple of dates, those communication rules don't make any sense anymore. Additionally, I think it's about staying away from the extremes. It's generally not beneficial to call him every 2 seconds, but not reaching out at all doesn't help either. I guess I'd also hope by one month in to have a bit more momentum. One date + two phone calls per week would feel very casual to me.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #5  February 10,2012, 5:16pm
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I don't understand the thought process of individuals who believe that it is acceptable for a woman to not take initiative and show genuine interest and concern for a man. Why would a man want to call a woman who never calls him?

Next, why would someone assume or presume that one is being clingy by making a phone call or sending a courtesy text/email? If someone calls a person a hundred times a day, 7 days a week, then that is one thing. But, to come to a conclusion that it is improper for a woman to call once a day or a few times a week is an extreme.

To the OP, I don't know where you are at from an emotional standpoint, but I sincerely hope that you will consider adopting a more progressive stance on communication as well as understand that there is no set rules that you must adhere to in order to gain a companion. If you like someone and enjoy his company, then it is ok to pick up the phone and call. As for the reason why your interest is delaying communication, there is no individual on this site that can answer said question. For all we know, he may still be sick or suddenly became extremely busy or he may be seeing/dating someone else or multiple people. Point is..who knows what his reasons are for not being consistent with communicating with you, but I can assure you that the best source to answer your query(ies) is the gentleman you are dating.

Please stop being afraid to show genuine concern for someone who has some significance and pick up the phone when you want to talk. If he is free, he will respond. If he is busy, he will get back with you when he is available. If you don't hear from him after you made an attempt or two to reach out and/or he fails to take initiative to reach out to you within a reasonable amount of time, then come to a conclusion about his level of interest in you.

All I know is a woman who never attempts to communicate with me will be a woman who will be talking to someone else willing to put up with such practices.

B.Y.
Last edited by BabyYoda; February 10,2012 at 5:57pm.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  February 10,2012, 5:33pm
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I closed a match some days ago. She did not reply when she had told me to call her. I got a message next day saying she had forgotten her cell phone in her car that night. So could I please call her the next day at a certain hour ? I called and went direct to VM. tried left a voicemail. Called again after 20 minutes, same result. Now I had already asked her out on a date but she wanted to talk more.

Too inaccessible, and she is closed. She now checks my profile every day. And I really though we would have clicked, she likes camping, the only time we spoke we found out we had a lot of things in common.

If you like what you see, you have to make an effort, and keep at it. Expecting to be chased doesn't get you anywhere.

Good luck with your next match !
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  February 10,2012, 8:36pm
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georgia_peachy wrote :
It's now been a week since we last spoke, and almost two weeks since we last went out. During the time we've dated, I've followed the "dating rule" of not calling him unless I'm returning a missed call.
?

What the......this is a dating ule.

As a guy in my rule book if she only calls me just to return cals it says to me she has no true interest and is just using me as a free ride. I would be moving on.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #8  February 10,2012, 8:52pm
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georgia_peachy wrote :
since early December.. a quick phone call or two a week and a low-key date every week. The last time we spoke on the phone, he was sick and so we naturally didn't talk about going on a date. I asked if he wanted me to call and check on him the next day, to which he said, "yes." We chatted a bit the next day; he sounded like he was feeling somewhat better, and we left it at that. I've followed the "dating rule" of not calling him unless I'm returning a missed call. Already I'm wondering if calling him a week later is too clingy or paranoid of me. I really like him,
Quite the opposite. First, it's very appropriate to call him. Second, these 'rules' may protect you from getting hurt, but mostly only because they'll make it more difficult to form a relationship in the first place. Be yourself. I'm sure lots of guys want that.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  February 10,2012, 9:57pm
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OP,
I have never heard of these 'dating rules' as you call them. They may be leftover from the 50's - 70's, but since I was dating in the 80's and 90's and as recently as 2009, I have never encountered these rules. I agree that calling or texting excessively or constantly is a bad idea, but taking things so slowly that the relationship never has a chance to progress doesn't make any sense.

Hopefully, you'll hear from him, but don't hold your breath. He probably thinks you aren't interested. Also, since you have been operating by these so-called rules, you may want to double check how you are approaching the who pays topic as Ingy mentioned. In this day and age, women usually ante up at least half of the time or share the costs of many dates. It is unrealistic and no longer appropriate to expect the guy to take care of everything. It not only paints you as disinterested, but also as selfish, so please consider this as well your next time around or this time if you actually hear again from this guy.

I'm sorry this happened to you - I can't imagine who gave you such bad advice to play by a set of 'rules.' It translates to a guy as 'games,' and most don't appreciate it.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #10  February 11,2012, 4:42am
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sounds like she's quoting the book that became popular in the late 90's, The Rules. it specifically said to never call a man unless you are returning his call, and, when he calls, to keep it short and not talk for hours on the phone.

while I agree that it works to a point - the first couple of weeks, letting a guy initiate shows his interest level - you do have to reciprocate and let a guy know that you like him, too. I'm not big on calling men, either, but a phone call the woman initiatives once or twice a week is perfectly acceptable as long as he's doing it, too.

if you called and left him a message and he isn't calling you back, then he's probably lost interest in you.
 
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