dbp812 is offline dbp812 Post #1  February 10,2012, 4:37am
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Hi! Joined eHarmony and had a couple of communications then met the 'great' one. We live 1100 miles apart and have visited a couple of times, I have read the 'success stories' but I am wondering if anyone is currently in this situation and how it is going for them. My relationship is just over 2 months and we really are a good match but it's not the typical is it? (I hardly know what is typical as I haven't 'dated' in 30 years!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  February 10,2012, 7:10am
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1100 miles sounds like the longest distance relationship I've ever heard of.

How often do you see each other? and do you meet half way?

How are you going to make it work in the long term? And why couldn't you find someone more local?
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  February 10,2012, 7:45am
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I'm curious about the details as well....How often you have seen each other in the 2 months...and how the travel/expenses have been split up...

I personally have no desire to date someone this far away...For me, a relationship needs time and nourishment....and unless I was married to someone and then they need to travel for work/military....I think it's very rare and very difficult to maintain and grow a healthy relationship that far away...

I like to spend at least 3-5 days a week when seriously dating someone..

Have you all been intimate yet? (Don't answer if that's too much)....

This type of situation is only going to work if you all can travel a few times per month to see each other and then after a year to year to two years can see one or the other moving to their state....The reason for the year to two years is that it's going to take a much longer time period to get to know someone with only seeing them a few times a month..

People and relationships can be much different when you get to the shopping at Target on a Thursday night....hanging out after someone has had a tough day at work....and just seeing if there is a physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection through the ups/downs of life together...

That takes time together....Long distance when only seeing one another a few times a month can prolong that "honeymoon" period as one person is off of work...they are in a new city/town....and you all cram in all the "fun" within a few days....People are less apt to be themselves on those occasions....It also takes longer to meet and spend time with friends/family...etc..

So...it's not that it can't be done...but it is a LOT of work and much harder than a local relationship...You should think very carefully about if this is something you want long term and can handle being apart more days than together...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  February 10,2012, 8:15am
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Yes, long distance can work just fine and there is no reason not to pursue that if you've found a person who is worth the effort and it sounds like you have. There are two really important things to discuss immediately. First is if things were to work out between the two of you, can either one of you move and is willing to do so? Second is how easily can you both travel and whether or not you can really afford the travel sufficient enough to build a relationship. If you can't travel reasonably frequently enough, it's not going to work. Keep in mind that what's reasonable varies from couple to couple.

In some ways, starting out with long distance has certain advantages in addition to challenges. For instance, your communication will be stellar since that's primarily what's sustaining your relationship in between visits. The extended stays also quickly show who the person is and lets you get to know them quicker than you would going out on many couple hour dates locally. When spending multiple days together in close quarters so to speak, you can really see quickly what the person's normal habits are like and how well you two actually get along. You'll see each other cranky and tired and this and that faster and that's not a bad thing. Another positive imo is that the relationship has to move along forward or it needs to end promptly precisely because it's not convenient. It's worth the effort for the right person, but not for the wrong one.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 10,2012, 8:44am
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I think Dancingfool and Ingy have both given you great advice. While I haven't been in a LDR since my teens and therefore don't feel like I am qualified to speak from personal experience, I do know many close friends who have had them successfully and unsuccessfully. As has been said before, it's more crucial in long distance relationships to talk about the end game. With most of the successful long distance relationships I know they always had an end game in mind. In other words, the distance wasn't open ended, there was at the very least a rough plan of how things might pan out. If you're in a place where neither party is interested in or able to move if things continue, to me that would be a problem. I wouldn't want to date long distance indefinitely.

I think the one potential watchout with a long distance relationship is to make sure you are seeing your partner as they actually are. Sometimes with minimal contact it's too easy to fill in the gaps with idealism. So I'd be careful to make sure you're not building them up too much and also if your goal is to find someone you are compatible with long term, to make sure that your dates involve some element of the real world. In other words, making sure you're compatible doing day to day things vs. living in a relationship where all your time together is like going on a vacation.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #6  February 10,2012, 9:02am
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I did a cross country Seattle to Boston/Austin long distance relationship in college... it worked for quite a while and the "honeymoon" visits were really awesome. A good friend did a Seattle/New Orleans one that also worked well too for a while...

The problem ended up being that she wanted me to transfer colleges and didn't want to wait for me to graduate (I was 2 years behind her) and it ended poorly. For him, neither one of them wanted to leave their respective city. So I definitely think that an end point is important that both people agree on i.e. someone has to move to someone. This should be an important point fairly quickly.
 
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Mermaid1969 is offline Mermaid1969 Post #7  February 10,2012, 9:27am
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It has been my experience that long distance relationships are at best extremely difficult to maintain and at worst a disaster. The fact is that people need to see and be able to touch the person they are involved with all the time. Talking and using the web cam are fine and well if you are apart for a week but aren't enough for months of separation. I hate to be so negative, and I wish you all the best but I was a military wife and I can tell you that even in a deeply loving relationship the distance and loneliness get very hard to deal with. Tread carefully with this "relationship".
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  February 10,2012, 9:31am
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Its rather rare for a long distance to work but it can happen.

From my experience goign into it before it goes anywhere you need to find out what the ending point could mean....would he move to you, you to him, or you both choice a third option and move there.

Another factor that could wear on it is who is doing the traveling and absorbing that cost.
 
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dovegirl is online now dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  February 10,2012, 9:33am
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Typically, the successful long distance relationships I have heard about didn't start out that way. In other words, they built a relationship first, then for one reason or another one of them had to move away, but they kept the relationship going until they could be reunited. This seems more likely to be successful to me than starting out long distance, because that relationship base is there. When starting out long distance, there is always the very likely possibility that your "relationship" is much more based in fantasy than reality.

However, if you'd like to try it...Skype is your friend
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #10  February 10,2012, 10:04am
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I'm working on one right now, distance is about 1150 miles. We talk daily, skype a few times a week, and have plans set up to see each other about once a month on weekends (wish it could be more often but finances don't allow) for the next couple months including spending a week together in April, and then I will go out there and spend the summer (I work from home so I can work anywhere there's an internet connection). If that goes well, I will permanently move there. I also have friends and family in his area so if for some reason it didn't work out later on down the road after I moved, I wouldn't be stuck there alone. So, there is a definite "end" in sight for us that is coming relatively quickly. I think that's the only way it would work, at least for me, I can't imagine carrying this on for a long period of time. I also don't think I would have been as open to it if he didn't live in an area that was close to my family and friends.

I agree with what some of the others said as well, you have to have some pretty serious conversations up front about what you want out of the relationship and what you would be willing to do to help it work out... stuff you wouldn't normally talk about that soon in a "normal" relationship. You also have to be a good communicator because that's your only "bond" with the other person until you can actually physically be together.
 
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