So this guy walks into a bar . . .


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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #1  February 9,2012, 3:39am
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Last night, BF and I were out at a sports bar to watch his college team play basketball. While he was off paying the tab at the end, I was dinking around checking email on my phone. Some guy I've never seen before walked up to me, recited his phone number, and then started throwing some pickup lines around. I pointed out the BF and said I was with him. My new friend said to take his number down anyway in case I got tired of the BF (I didn't take it down), and then planted a kiss on my cheek and left.

The BF turned around in time to catch the tail end of this and made a beeline back over. He thought it was pretty funny, but also made the observation that from what he saw, my defenses were up right away when this guy approached me, and that's why it's so hard for nice guys to meet women in public. What do you guys think: True or not true?
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 9,2012, 4:18am
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My defenses would have been up, too. Would your bf preferred you lead the guy on or appear open and available when you are obviously not?
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #3  February 9,2012, 4:58am
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I was expecting to read a joke!

I'm not sure what you are asking barbarella?

You made it obvious you were not looking to be "approached", but this guy did anyway. That just means he's more pushy than most, especially by giving you a kiss -- that may have warranted a slap in the face response!

Most men, whether they are the proverbial nice guys or not, are not going to ask out a woman whose body language says "leave me alone", especially when her words reinforce that.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #4  February 9,2012, 5:02am
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Not at all; he thought my response was perfectly normal. The point he was making was that men who can be spotted as players from a mile off ruin it for all the nice guys, which (he says) is immensely irritating.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #5  February 9,2012, 5:10am
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insertscreenname wrote :
I was expecting to read a joke!

I'm not sure what you are asking barbarella?

You made it obvious you were not looking to be "approached", but this guy did anyway. That just means he's more pushy than most, especially by giving you a kiss -- that may have warranted a slap in the face response!

Most men, whether they are the proverbial nice guys or not, are not going to ask out a woman whose body language says "leave me alone", especially when her words reinforce that.
Sorry, I should have been clearer. BF thinks that players ruin nice guys' chances of meeting women in public because women automatically get defensive when approached. The end result in his view is that nice guys end up not approaching women because they know they'll get shut down immediately.

I don't really agree with that: While I don't like pickup artists like the one from last night, I've always been really pleased to be approached by men who are nice, polite, don't rely on pickup lines, and project genuine interest. In other words, I think many or most women are discerning enough to welcome being approached when it's done in a non-skeezy way, and nice guys shouldn't refrain from doing it.

I was just curious to know which perspective resonates more with people (or if there's a different one altogether).
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #6  February 9,2012, 5:22am
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barbarella_42 wrote :
Sorry, I should have been clearer. BF thinks that players ruin nice guys' chances of meeting women in public because women automatically get defensive when approached. The end result in his view is that nice guys end up not approaching women because they know they'll get shut down immediately.

I don't really agree with that: While I don't like pickup artists like the one from last night, I've always been really pleased to be approached by men who are nice, polite, don't rely on pickup lines, and project genuine interest. In other words, I think many or most women are discerning enough to welcome being approached when it's done in a non-skeezy way, and nice guys shouldn't refrain from doing it.

I was just curious to know which perspective resonates more with people (or if there's a different one altogether).
Ah, I understand.

I think your bf is talking about the lack of confidence that some guys have. It sounds like a defeatist excuse to me, a "loser's" attitude. I'm not saying your bf is like that -- he's obviously a winner he has you! -- I just mean the attitude expressed is not a positive one, and ultimately self-fulfilling.

My personal opinion aligns with yours. Women like to be approached by confident, non-skeezy (love that word!) men.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #7  February 9,2012, 5:32am
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tink333 wrote :
My defenses would have been up, too. Would your bf preferred you lead the guy on or appear open and available when you are obviously not?
Exactly.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #8  February 9,2012, 5:33am
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insertscreenname wrote :
Women like to be approached by confident, non-skeezy (love that word!) men.
You mean men like me?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #9  February 9,2012, 5:40am
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I think your defenses probably went up on this occasion because your boyfriend was with you, so you know some random guy in a bar approaching you isn't going to have a good ending! lol
When i'm out with friends or alone, the mere approach of a man doesn't automatically send my defenses up, but maybe it does for some women and that is all your bf paid attention to in the past.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #10  February 9,2012, 5:42am
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Oh, and the kissing cheek thing? Not cool at all. That guy really was taking his chances.
 
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