So, men. Explain this to me, please!


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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  February 9,2012, 12:33am
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I'm completely confused at how this e-mail conversation got so "weird". Is this his baggage showing up? Just a guy being a nut?

Some background. I am a single parent, no father involvement at this point and I work shifts (mainly evenings and nights). He is a single man, a year older than myself, no children and owns his own business doing construction work. He lives in a city about 20 miles South of where I live.

We have been chatting for about 3 or 4 days now. He initially "winked" at me on Match and I sent one back. He then found me on POF and sent me a message.

Oh, and the topic of meeting was NEVER brought up before this. Not even a slight mention of coffee or dinner or anything. It's pretty much been "getting to know you" chat.

ETA: This part of our conversation took place over an hour - so it was not some quick exchange. Sometimes it took several minutes for one of us to respond to the other.

Him: I am thinking of getting off this pathetic site again. I dont like it or the selection of low quality ppl on here...

(I did take offense to this a little, but then thought I would explore what he was talking about. I kinda wondered if he was talking about other women and it was an off the cuff remark)

Me: Wow... I'm low quality? lol

Him: I havent met you and barely meet anyone off this site. The women are too full of BS and cant walk the walk. So, yeah, like when am I going to meet you?? lol : )

(Slight relief felt at this part)

(I mention my schedule in this next part because he works days and my schedule is mostly evenings and nights. I can be home by 7 pm some evenings and sometimes not until 1 am. He sort of knows this based on when we are able to chat via this dating site and I do mention to him when I won't be home until very late.)

Me: Well, that's the first time you've even mentioned meeting.

I know I have a crazy schedule sometimes. We'll have to work around that. And, right now I'm working at the (city that is a good 40 miles from his location) store, so my work schedule seems longer due to driving.

You're also going to have to tell me some stories about "too full of BS and can't walk the walk". (snip)

Him: And................

Me: Oh, just put the whole thing on me why dontcha! Hmmm.... I think I have Saturday off. Maybe we can meet for coffee or something.

Him: I am not sure I will be available. I have to see whats going on this weekand and know I have some stuff to do, but cant remember right at the moment.

(I'm thinking this guy is a flake or really not interested or just playing games. I was a bit peeved, but decided to give him some room to either step-up or step in it. I put the ball into his court.)

Me: OK then. We're still a couple of days away, so you figure out when you could meet and let me know.

PS - I would suggest tomorrow, but I have to go sit at a government office for a few hours and go grocery shopping. Such a huge amount of fun that I think adding to it would be just too much for this simple country girl.

(I was trying to keep it funny. I guess he kinda agreed.)

Him: lol Ur too funny.

(But, then I get the following and I'm thinking "you're nuts" and was ready for some horrible, nasty message at this point)

Him: I like how women have a million excuses and wonder why there all single. lol lol Think my time is up on this site and everytime I get on this pathetic site, it never changes and all the woman are the same. lol Like they all fell from the same tree. lol lol : )

(Really? Excuses? Did I not just give him a free day and he's telling me "maybe"?? What did I miss? I'm also a bit tired of his "all women" stuff.)

Me: Hmmm, ok.... Not sure if you are just ranting to rant or something else. I'll leave it to you if you want to meet. I'm pretty much OK with whatever, I just need to consider the needs of my son. He doesn't get much time with me as it is, so I try to not take away from that, if I can. Not that he wants to hang out with MOM.

So, let me know. In the mean time, we can chat on here if you still want to.

(that's me trying to keep it light. No one wants to read what I really wanted to send to him.)

Him: lol crack me up. Do you say this to all the guys iu talk to or talk about meeting?

Me: What's wrong with what I wrote?

(Yes. I'm totally confused (and angry ) at this point. I wonder if the guy is drunk or maybe one of his friends is using his account. Again, what I sent is the nice version)

Him: Why do u need to tell me anything abouyt ur son or make it sound like you have no time to hang out with me or anyone.? Why do u women always have excuses for things or if your that busy with family, friends or whoever, then why you on a website trying to meet people if you have no time? I am confused?

(OK, so I kinda see his point. But he's kinda being a jerk about this, IMO. I decide the pull back my claws and not strike with a nasty response.)

Me: I'm telling you that I'm making time to meet you. And, considering I'm not making excuses but actually giving you a day that is open to meet, I'm not really sure where the problem is. If Saturday isn't good for you, give me another option.

( )

Him: Oh Ok. My bad. I can get back to you tomorrow about the day cause I am going to go to bed for the nite. (snip)

Me: OK, you have a good night. (snip)

END

I'm almost at the point of just saying NO to meeting. But, considering the previous three days of conversation has been pretty good (and I'm trying to not assume what he means by some of his comments) I don't want to just toss the baby out with the bath water. I feel as if my patience has been put to the test with this man. Whether he did this on purpose or he really thought I was putting him off or he was just the unfortunate man to communicate with several women who yanked his chain, I'm wondering if it's worth it now.

I don't want to give him more reasons to think women will do this just to do it. So, I want to meet him. But, I wonder if this will be something a potential new romantic relationship can hurdle. So, I question if meeting him would just be a waste of time, for both of us.
Last edited by AndieIsMe; February 9,2012 at 12:38am.
 
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DaLocman is offline DaLocman Post #2  February 9,2012, 1:08am
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He's nipping at you, weakening your defenses. I'd say he was being unreasonable. At the same time, he's succeeded, convincing you to take troubling attitude from him and still get you to continue confirming you'll meet him.

He's also taking a bit of a victim's stance. Complain, complain, you reinforce him, complain, complain again at you, you reinforced him. This is my opinion, but continuing with this guy is likely to be an unpleasant thing for you.

It's why you're confused, because he's being unreasonable and yet, you're letting him do so. At the very end, he got you upset and then he cut off the conversation real quick. >>The mark of someone getting under your skin.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  February 9,2012, 1:15am
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I think if he had truly gotten under my skin, though, I would have sent him something as snarky as what I was thinking. There were points where I was going to send him "OK, seems like you don't really want to meet. Good luck." and leave it at that. But, if he was "just ranting" to me about wishy washy females, I would have been OK with it and tried to make it a joke.

And, the thought that he was just jerking with me because that's his MO, did cross my mind.

Thank you!
 
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DaLocman is offline DaLocman Post #4  February 9,2012, 1:19am
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You're welcome. I think you should trust your gut there. To say that was his MO sums it up. It's not hard to be reasonable if he actually had some respect.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 9,2012, 2:44am
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Andie,
I'm not a guy, but I agree he was working you. Go ahead and meet if you want to, but it sounds like his mode is passive aggressive. I wouldn't want to get in to a LTR with someone like him and a year down the line have a similar conversation about why he won't take out the trash.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  February 9,2012, 2:47am
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"I don't want to give him more reasons to think women will do this just to do it. So, I want to meet him. "
- so you want to meet him because you don't want him to think all women are bad?


I have never spoken to a woman like he has.

Occasionally if the delays and excuses continued at the point of texting then I'd just send a text saying "I give up" - which did once get me a 'date'!

but his tone is aggressive and he is rude and unjustified in abusing you because "all women on dating sites are mean to me" attitude.

His attitude is dire and all it would tell me is he gets a lot of rejection - and there's reason for that!.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #7  February 9,2012, 2:49am
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if there's a 'blacklist' button or 'block' button or 'close' button then I would use that on him. I'd rather be in watching TV than spending time with someone like this.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #8  February 9,2012, 2:55am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
if there's a 'blacklist' button or 'block' button or 'close' button then I would use that on him. I'd rather be in watching TV than spending time with someone like this.
above ditto. Worse than a waste of time. If he's this bad in email when he should be trying to be appealing, imagine what he'll be like after you tell him you're not interested after meeting in person.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #9  February 9,2012, 3:12am
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He sounds like a total jerk. I'm sorry, but he does. If he doesn't get back to you after he's had his beauty sleep, I'd consider it no great loss.
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #10  February 9,2012, 3:13am
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I would not bother with this guy at all. Is this the way you want to be treated? It really does not matter what he thinks of other women, nor should he be reading into your comments while being completely hypocritical.

He is either playing games, setting you up, or he really isn't into you. Either way, why do you want to waste your time on him.
 
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