When to bring up the big c?


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katestein is offline katestein Post #1  February 8,2012, 10:35am
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So I am officially dating the guy I had previously asked about in December... everything is going well and I trust him, but I do have a question. I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago and haven't dated anyone since that, to me, was important enough to tell about it. I'm currently in remission and generally in good health, but it has really changed the way I live my life and is a big reason as to why I've chosen to go into nursing. I've had several surgeries, two of which he sort of knows about but he doesn't really know why I had them.

In the past he has given me a hard time about not being open with him and telling him things about myself. He's a very open person and while I consider myself to be as well, I don't just spew out facts about myself if it doesn't come up naturally in conversation. This is one of those things that I think he'd really want to know about. However, I'm nervous about it and I can't figure out why exactly. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, I'm proud to be a survivor! But I tend to find it shifts the way people view me and I guess I don't want his perspective to change or to freak him out. How should I go about discussing this? Should I wait some more or is this something I should tell him asap? We have a date on Saturday and I've been thinking about mentioning it then.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #2  February 8,2012, 10:40am
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What's your gut telling you to do?
 
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katestein is offline katestein Post #3  February 8,2012, 10:54am
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Well, he's the first guy I've ever actually wanted to tell. So I feel like that's a positive sign. It's a very emotional topic for me and I'm generally a very unemotional/disconnected person.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 8,2012, 10:56am
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There are a lot of variables....such as the extent of what you had...how it affects you,etc. Also, as far as the relationship.....also a lot of variables such as exclusivity, level of intimacy,etc.....a couple months is not a long time.

Just because someone is probing and pressuring for disclosure or answers...it doesn't mean it's required to mention things unless it's the right time for you.

Keep in mind whatever you say can not be unsaid...and can be disclosed when it comes up or when the time is right for you, not his curiosity......Good luck..
katestein wrote :
. I've had several surgeries, two of which he sort of knows about but he doesn't really know why I had them.
I tend to find it shifts the way people view me and I guess I don't want his perspective to change or to freak him out.
I wait some more or is this something I should tell him asap?
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #5  February 8,2012, 11:06am
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I think you can wait. You've only been seeing him a short time and your health is currently fine. There will be a time when it comes up naturally, possibly when you are both committed enough to each other to discuss long term plans together.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #6  February 8,2012, 11:16am
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katestein wrote :
Well, he's the first guy I've ever actually wanted to tell. So I feel like that's a positive sign. It's a very emotional topic for me and I'm generally a very unemotional/disconnected person.
And the fear is that he'll run for the hills or treat you like you're going to break if he touches you? The reward if he doesn't do either of those is that you know you are accepted for who you are as much as what you've been through?

I've never had my gut prompt me to disclose anything from my past. I think if it ever did then I'd know that I'm with someone special.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 8,2012, 11:20am
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harnomygirl wrote :
I think you can wait. You've only been seeing him a short time and your health is currently fine. There will be a time when it comes up naturally, possibly when you are both committed enough to each other to discuss long term plans together.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^ I fully agree with. As long as thee is no long term discussion, there is no need to bring it up.

Personally I would only want to know it if I we both knew that we are getting into an LTR and start to make plans for our future together.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  February 8,2012, 11:30am
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i disagree with most of the above. you are officially dating him, it sounds like. it sounds as if you are exclusive. i would lay money that he is already thinking long term about you.

anyone that i would get into a relationship with- i want to know all of the possible deal-breakers up front and as soon as possible. (i am not talking about "hanging out" as "friends" or first "coffee dates." i am talking about "i like/love you and want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you."

anything else and i would feel gamed- which was always a big deal-breaker.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #9  February 8,2012, 11:32am
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I agree you can wait, but I also think that once it gets so much in your mind and emotions there's a reason for that. When you feel pressure and it feels more like a secret than 'too much info' then I think there's been a shift in you, him or the quality of the relationship.

So for example, you might feel that you need to know his response because your emotions are getting so involved. Or you might feel from his comments about you not being open, that if you wait much longer it won't be the information, but that he will be hurt that you didn't tell him sooner that will be the biggest deal. Or you might just feel that the relationship somehow is close and intimate to the point that it needs to be said.

It is a big emotional risk for you and I think it's worth thinking about all your feelings about it, without rules about when is the right time.

Another factor - if you've been dating for this amount of time, he may begin to know your friends and family who may casually say things that tip him off to there being something important he doesn't know, even if they don't clearly specify. If this is true, then you may want to let him know so that there's no anxiety about what other people might say.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  February 8,2012, 11:57am
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If you don't have any surgeries or treatment coming up and are in remission...than I see this as a very easy conversation. I would wait until there seems to be an appropriate time where you both are sharing things....and just state that you are a cancer survivor...and in remission....and then ask if he has any questions....Help him understand that it isn't defining your life in a way that should change anything...

Simple as that...

In everyone's lifetime...there chance of getting cancer is 1 in 10..And most people either have someone in their family or knows someone who has fought this. I have friends I have lost, and many, including family who are in remission...

If for some reason this becomes a negative issue or changes how he feels about your or treats you, than he isn't someone you should want to date.
 
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